all my lies are only wishes

last night's bike ride

2008-09-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

he decidido tratar de escribir una vez más en este blog.

por el momento estoy leyendo un libro en español por Isabel Allende entitulado "Retrato en Sepia." ¿lo conoces? me da ganas de practicar el español mas, aunque casi no tengo nadie con quien puedo practicar. necisto mucha ayuda. tal vez practicando un poco en escribirlo aqui será bien.

I haven't been sleeping well at night. Last night I rode my bike to a meeting in Rogers Park. It was a good night for a bike ride. This week has been warm, with a nice, cool breeze. On the way back, everyone I was riding with took off as fast as they could. I was, of course, left behind. My feelings were so hurt I realized there was something more to my reaction.

I couldn't help but feel the past hurt of elementary school days - being teased for coming in last when we had to fun around the field, being the last person chosen for any team. I'm 31 yrs. old, surely this kind of stuff should be put way past me. I'm 31 yrs. old, I can recognize that this past hurt shouldn't affect the way I respond to my friends who rode off and left me behind. They did not do it to hurt me. I figure if I can be honest with myself about why I feel the way I do, eventually I'll be able to respond in a good and healthy way.

Until then, well wishes to all of us who were always the last to be chosen, the first to be out...

winter

2007-02-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

this morning on my way to work i saw a boy walking to school. he was wrapped in a blue coat with an orange and black stripped scarf around his face and a grey cap covering his head. only his eyes could be seen. he was wearing mittens. in his hand he carried a dead branch and was waving it in the air as though it was a sword. he was by himself and he seemed to be having so much fun.

it is freezing here in chicago. i finally feel that i am not being robbed of the chicago winter experience.

be the squirrel, girl

2007-02-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

the thing about being in the wilderness is that it has caused me to forget about my real surroundings.

check it out

2007-01-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

http://www.geezmagazine.org/demotorize/

quickly

2007-01-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

i am in a dessert, a wilderness. i am being patient (passive?). i am waiting for this reality to act upon me. i feel like i'm in limbo. i'm out of sorts, in need of joy.

and the day is still not over

2007-01-20T12:36:00.000-08:00

this morning i cooked breakfast. i woke up at 7. i peeled and shredded potatoes to make hashbrowns. made some scrambled eggs with cheese, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms. toast, coffee, orange juice, milk. we eat well.

after breakfast my housemates and i split up to clean the house. i was in charge of cleaning windows, dusting, and making lunch. it was 10 degrees outside and the cleaner froze to the glass. i took this as a good sign to stop cleaning the windows.

i have become the official community compost collector. so, after chores i walked to houses and collected their compost. friends at the patch household have large wooden boxes in their backyard where we collect all the compost to be used this spring when we plant our gardens in the city's community garden!

for lunch there were plenty of leftovers and free food. pizza that paul made last night. some veggie burgers from somewhere. peggy's potato soup from fri. lunch that i added milk and potato flakes to. made some tomato soup because there wasn't enough potato soup for everyone.

i'm still reading kathy kelly and her stories are affecting me. in the back of my mind are the words of amos the prophet that i read with my friends on thurs. evening. she writes, "Each Sunday in the Christian season of Advent, churchgoers anticipate the arrival of the innocent one, born into utmost poverty, who will bring forth justice for the poor, liberty for captives, sight for the blind. 'O come, O come, Emmanuel,' is sung in churches worldwide. I hear the tune now and feel haunted. Is it possible, is there some dim chance, that good-hearted care could extend to the Iraqis in Basra?"

i think about the rich in the days of amos - how they lived comfortably at the expense of the marginalized, how they enjoyed luxuries that forced some to live without. i think about driving my car. i only use it to go to work, but work is not so far that i could not leave earlier and walk. is the comfort of a warm and quick ride to work worth the price? i'm thinking that this is not ok for me to do. i am convicted and i wonder if i am strong enough to make a proper change. it is not right for me to live as though there are none who suffer for the price of my comfort. on thurs. night i want to bring it up to those in my community. my hope is that together we can find a way to live more rightly, more justly, and in obedience to God.

and what do you want to say?

2007-01-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

two odd conversations today in which people chose to tell me the type of person i am:

when a teacher asked if i would ever move back to texas he says, "you have to stay. you're a scarf girl." a scarf girl? i was wearing a scarf today, yes. i don't know if this is a sort of sub-culture that i am unaware of. so, i don't know if i really am a "scarf girl" or not, but it's true that i like the cold weather. i think that's what he meant.

when a co-worker invited me to come over and play games on sat. night i must've looked hesitant. "oh. you're not competitive," he said. "have i told you that already?" i asked. "no. you just have that kind of demeanor. you seem like a non-competitive person."

it seemed worth recording because i'm at this point in my thought processes where i seem to only want to record the superficial and not the weighty things that are happening in my life.

like this kind of stuff: tomorrow i'm on for cooking breakfast and lunch and on sun. i'm on for lunch. these are chores that are rotated and somehow it happened that i'm getting them all at one time. i should make sure to get my rest tonight. it'll be nice, really. no jokes, but i feel comforted when i cook (and that's better than saying that i feel at home in the kitchen).

plans for the day and so on

2007-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

the snow is lovely.

leading a bible study tonight on the book of amos for the patch household.

going to a meeting to wrap-up the mlk planning and talk about how the mlk weekend went. we had a good response - over 70 volunteers on sat. morning.

i've been neglecting my journaling, writing, blogging. still reading. i finished the gift of peace, and a fictional book called the time-traveler's wife. still reading the book by kathy kelly. also finished the long loneliness by dorothy day.

i've been longing to explore the city (chicago) more. i hear that the cheapest tour of the city is to take a ride on the brown line. so, i'm going to plan to do that soon.

last night i prepared myself to walk to the patch for evening prayer: two pairs of pants, two long-sleeved shirts and a sweater, my long blue coat, two pairs of gloves, a cap. still a little cold.

the books i've read

2006-12-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

last night when i couldn't go to sleep, i decided i would blog today and list the books i have read since september. then i stayed up trying to remember the books i've read. in the order they were read (i think)by category

nonfiction:

- the silence of st. thomas by josef pieper. a re-read

- the beloved community: how faith shapes social justice, from the civil rights movement to today by charles marsh

- glimpses of glory by dave and neta jackson. a history of the first thirty years of reba place fellowship. a very honest (sometimes frightening) retelling of the community's story.

- making room: recovering hospitality as a christian tradition by christine pohl

- selected poems from the works of george herbert

- holy the firm by annie dillard

- the jewish-christian schism revisted by john howard yoder

and some fiction:

- city of joy by dominique lapierre. i started reading this one first and finished it in november. it was a difficult read for me because i was reading it at the same time i was editing my paper about my time in india. it brought to mind many memories.

- slouching towards kalamazoo by peter devries. my first check-out with my evanston public library card. devries makes me laugh with hesitation.

- a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers. even though i've heard mixed reviews, i decided to read it. a fellow reba-ite said it was his all-time favorite book and recommended it. how could i say no? i'm glad i read it, but only because i feel it helped foster a friendship with him. he also went on to recommend really great books. otherwise, i could've done without it.

- lancelot by walker percy. my first walker percy read. i enjoyed it.

- a confederacy of dunces by john kennedy toole. a recommendation from my friend. a very funny book. great, great characters. my sister devina hated the main character so much she couldn't finish the book. it's so good.

- the shipping news by annie proulx. another recommendation from my friend. very good.

that's it. next on my list is the gift of peace by joseph cardinal bernardin, which was given to me by my dear friend amy as a graduation present. i am really excited about beginning it. and other lands have dreams: from baghdad to pekin prison by kathy kelly, who came to speak at reba. she is a peace activist who has been imprisoned for her creative acts of non-violence. she is one of the best story tellers i have ever heard. i need some fiction, though. any suggestions?

2006-12-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

tonight i met with a group of five other community members to share my reflections on becoming a practicing member. the decision has been made.

at the end of the meeting, my friend sally asks, "do you have any final words?" and i say, "since i have made this decision i have been really joyful! i am grateful for God's faithfulness to bring me to this place and for the faithfulness of the community here to embrace me. you have taken my concern and care in decision making as your own, and i am full of joy."

at the moment, i can not think of another place that i would rather be.

this weekend we hosted a schools for conversion. around twenty five people were here seeking out what it means to live in an intentional Christian community, wondering if it is possible to find of body of believers who live together in a way that attempts to make real the Kingdom of God. so many of them were voicing the same frustrations i was voicing last year: how is it possible to live the way Christ has called us to live? how do we resist the powers of the unjust institutions of our society? is it possible to live in a way were all are equal, where no one is lacking, where all are cared for and loved? many of them expressed a new-found hope in seeing the community and knowing that there is a group of people who are living differently. again, gratitude springing from my heart because i am here.

it all begins on the 14th of december

2006-12-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

there's been snow on the ground for three days in a row now. i'm becoming accustomed to a numbed chin, the sensation of defrosting upon entering a building, the half-hour it takes to move my car from one side of the street to the other, and the care i must take to walk on icy patches of sidewalk.

it's beginning to look a lot like i'll be in texas for christmas!

on why i am becoming a practicing member

2006-12-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

i'll start by describing the difference between being an apprentice and being a practicing member:

apprentices: those who participate in the apprenticeship program
practicing members: those who want an in-depth experience of RPF and discernmnet of future direction

app. purpose: to grow in christian discipleship, community and service
pm purpose: to experience community at RPF and discern God's calling here or elsewhere

app. term: 9-11 mnths
pm term: 9-12 mnths

app. expectations: participation in all apprentice program activities including development of shared disciplines and some economic sharing; attendance at monthly RPF meetings and social gatherings; regular meetings with a mentor
pm expectations: participation in a RPF small grp; regular attendance at RPF monthly meeting and annual RPF retreat; participation in RPF social events including montly friday potlucks, monday seminar, and camp lake events as possible; relationship with an RPF mentor or discernment group; participation in household life as appropriate

expectation of rpf to apprentice: welcome into RPF life; apprentice program; mentors and models; opportunities for service and growth
to practicing members: welcoming members to open events; providing mentors and models; building relationships through hospitality, work days, social gatherings, etc.; providing discernment circles to seek God's direction for practicing members

so, basically the distinctions are mostly in the area of commitment. an apprentice participates as someone who is wanting to learn about community, testing whether or not it is something they would like to do in the future. they do this by forming a small community within the greater community. practicing members come interested in a fuller participation with the community and test whether reba is the community for them or if they are being called into another community.

also, i am already doing most of the practices that practicing members do and in addition, i am participating in the apprenticeship things. it's too much. i would like to spend my time involved in the ministries i have begun participating in.

i also feel that my age and place in life separates me from the other apprentices and sometimes makes me uncomfortable. this is only a minor reason, but still a reason.

last night i announced that i would be becoming a practicing member in jan.

and now i am on the phone with my sister and finding it very difficult to concentrate on what i am writing. this is such a short summary, i know. i will answer all questions.

that's just silly

2006-11-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

no. of course i should keep blogging. there's a reason for the blog. it's a good reason. so today i'm going to make myself write.

the students i work with at the high school are starting to ask questions:

do you have roommates? yes. i have ten.

ten! do you live in a house? yes. a big, three-story house - with a basement.

all women? no. men and women.

married? single? yes. some married. some single.

they're all you're age? no. the oldest is 80. the youngest is 23.

and there i am answering the questions as nonchalantly as i can when really the whole time i'm so nervious they're going to discover how odd i really am. i answer more questions about bathroom situations, meals, etc. do they think i'm a hippy? will they still let me help them with their homework? do they think i'm a part of a weird cult?

with my co-workers it's a little easier, but not much:

you should apply to teach or sub full-time. we could really use a chemistry sub next semester.
oh! no. i'm not looking for anything full time.

not full-time? how many hours do you work now?
about 25, maybe a little more, but i don't need much.

no?
no. i don't need a lot to live.

do they think i'm a really wealthy philanthropist? a lazy intellect who wastes her degrees on tutoring alg.1 and high school chemistry?

some of my co-workers know what i'm doing. one guy even came to dinner here at the clearing with his wife one night when i cooked. but mostly, i'm still an enigma. and i guess i'm waiting, longing, hoping, expecting for a time when i will be able to explain my choices. i think that's going to happen over time. time. always time.

and since i am experiencing difficulties finding things to write about, i'd like to take suggestions. any ideas on what i should write about? questions you'd like answered? maybe i'll give you some and you can vote.

what would you like to hear about next? vote for your choice
- dinner times at the clearing, including (but not restricted to) my housemate chuck's search for the perfect pair of shoes

- an outing with the barbaric children of the after-school program i volunteer with in chicago (including a trip to mcdonalds - yuck!)

- my thoughts and reasons for possibly quitting the apprenticeship program in december to become a practicing member at reba

- the rituals/routines of life in household (could be boring - on tues. i wake up at 6:30 to make breakfeast, which always consists of... - but i could try to snazz up a bit)

OR

- a list and summary of the books i'm currently reading, have read since my time here, want to read in the future. really i just felt you should have five options, so this one might sound really lame to you, but i could talk about my struggle to get a library card. how does one acquire a library card if there are no bills in your name? don't you want to find out?

for the really interested - i would appreciate your vote.

2006-11-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

this blog is getting sad. i'm sorry about it, but not sorry enough to do anything.
well, that's not true. i am writing now even if only to say nothing.

i promise i'm still thinking good things. it's just so hard to get to a computer.

and anyway, you don't need a blog to find out how i'm doing. do you?

it's getting better all the time

2006-10-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

this weekend i made myself do this. here we go - things i enjoy about being at reba

- the changing color of leaves
- friends houses all in walking distance
- living simply
- cooking meals for 11-15
- developing friendships with the people i live with at the clearing
- discovering the admiration i hold for the other apprentices
Julia’s kindness
Christine’s gentleness
David J.'s wisdom
David H.'s sympathy/concern/sincerity/humility
Ruth’s determination and passion for social justice through action
Peter’s style of confrontation
Heidi's determination and courage
- Sitting by the window in my room, watching the birds, hearing people play in the park
- the opportunity and time to read
- evening prayers at the patch
- sharing communion with my small group at the clearing
- routine that allows me to develop spiritual disciplines and formulate good habits
- getting letters in the mail
- snickers, the dog
- walking to the beach
- sitting on the porch swing
- finding comfort through my struggles and confusion
- visiting with Linda, writing down her poetry, listening to her stories, sharing my own with her
- worship at the meeting house
- having a good place to ask questions about the church without losing hope
- discovering how my gifts/talents/passions can be used
- Scripture reading in the morning at the breakfast table

not what i miss

2006-10-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

saturday night a couple of friends and i sat on the porch talking. somehow we started talking about scents and i remembered how much i loved and missed bath&body's peppermint grapefruit body wash and salt scrub. right now it feels a little weird that i once paid so much money for something like that. now when i bathe like twice a week in an effort to feel like i'm doing something for the environment by conserving water.

"what else do i miss?" i asked. as soon as i started thinking about it, i realized i made a mistake in asking the question. dwelling on that topic is not good for my soul. most days i don't even have to think about the question to know the answer. so, instead i've decided to think about the things i enjoy about my new home.

i will post them when i have them all down.

no more snow here, just cool weather.

2006-10-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

it snowed yesterday.

i went outside and stood under it with my mouth open. one of our neighbors, ric, walked by and laughed. he mentioned something about me being from texas.

i tried to take some pictures, but i think my camera is officially dead. so, no more pictures i guess. it'll be a good practice in fostering imagination.

a part of something bigger

2006-10-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

i have the day off today in celebration of columbus day. i am so grateful for it after an odd, frustrating, tasking weekend. it's not worth going into and some of you have already heard all about it, so i'll skip that.

this morning i woke up and remembered i hadn't changed the parking permit on my car. so i got another ticket. it's so frustrating. i have two tickets right now that i'm contesting. i finally found out this weekend that there are places where i can park without having to have the permit, so i moved my car there. each ticket is worth $30 dollars and if you know anything about me, you know i don't have $30 to spend on parking tickets. if i hadn't gone to bed at 8:30 last night i might have remembered. why would anyone go to bed so early?

so this morning i woke up to the parking ticket. walked to the post office for a stamp to mail off my credit card bill and discovered that the post office is closed. i really should've thought about that. came home and read some before lunch.

after lunch, the clearing gang (8 of us + 2 guests) walked to the home of a couple who generally eat lunch with us. they are both 90 and because he now needs the use of an oxygen tank, linus could not come to lunch. today was their wedding anniversary - 64 yrs. since they couldn't come to us, we walked over with cake and ice cream to celebrate. "is this our 64th wedding anniversary?" virginia asked. "linus, did you know?" we assured them it was indeed their anniversary. we sat, ate, and listened to the two share stories about the day they were married, the children they have raised, and how blessed they have been through their 64 years together. dana, their neighbor, came over with flowers and she and andrew (married now for 7 weeks) joined us for cake. "will you go get the camera?" i heard her ask andrew, "we need pictures. this is a very special anniversary."

i think we all felt that way. when linus and virginia come around, i notice a slight change in the actions of those around, as though they are reminded that we must enjoy every moment with them to the fullest. i see everyone taking in every word, smile, touch, getting it all in before the opportunity is gone. i love being a part of this. knowing that linus and virginia are here and not in a nursing home because they have a community who supports them, helps them, loves them. i play such a small role in the great love shown to everyone here, but my presence always feels necessary and important.

you might not believe this

2006-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

but it's true.

yesterday was my last day to work at the b&n cafe here in chicago, and we were extremely busy. i was working the cash register as fast as i could. ringing up orders, serving coffee, toasting sandwiches, etc. i rarely looked up to see how long the line was. when i did i noticed someone who looked a lot like, no. wait. it definitely was...jeff tweedy, frontman for my favorite band of all time - wilco.

my heart raced like i had just sprinted up five flights of stairs, my stomach dropped, my mind raced with what i would say when he ordered, and my whole body was paralyzed. i told myself to hurry and get to him, but i couldn't move. i stuttered. i spilled some coffee. i was a complete idiot. i helped the next person...only three more to go until i talked to jeff tweedy. i turned around to pour the coffee and when i turned around again, tweedy had disappeared.

"can i take my break right now?" i asked my manager, after explaining how i had just missed the chance of a lifetime. it was going to be my story to tell for the rest of my life. she said yes, so i hurried down the steps and frantically walked around the store. i saw more of the store than i had seen since i started working. i looked everywhere, but jeff tweedy was no where to be found.

sad day. torrents and storms outside reflected my mood.

you say you want a revolution

2006-09-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

it's been more frustration...wondering why i'm here. wondering if i'm making a difference. what am i doing to help hunger, poverty, war, injustice? i'm living with a group of people, investing my life into theirs, finding real times for prayer, living peaceably, simply, finding ways out of "the empire" and into the kingdom. is it revolutionary?

i'm currently reading the beloved community by charles marsh (well, i'm reading a lot of books these days. also - making room: recovering hospitality as a christian tradition by christine pohl, city of joy by dominique lapierre, and slouching towards kalamazoo by peter de vries). i finished reading the second chapter last week on clarence jordan and his work toward reconcilation. it was a movement that differed from king in its method. jordan didn't worry about effectiveness; he didn't set out to be in the face of the officials and politicians who were making laws; he simply lived rightly. he refused to live a life of segregation and didn't need the law to change in order to live differently. he wasn't necessarily revolutionary, but he was subversive and his actions made revolutionary statements years before the boycotts and protests.

life is slow here. decisions and actions take time, and no one seems to be in a hurry. we are on God's time, they tell me, and he has eternity. it is not our job to change the world. we give our lives to obedience - to live on Kingdom principles - even if it means we fail, because the Kingdom goes on past our own lives.

so i confess (i feel odd doing so on this blog) that am i struggling. i think that if i had not seriously and deliberately studied the life of Christ i would want to be a revolutionary. i'd find a way to be in the face of those making the laws, i'd yell and demand the rights they are denying. i'd fight and kill for those who can not and dare anyone to stop me from giving them the justice and dignity they deserve.

but i can't.

i would feel it to be so far from the life i long to live and feel called to live- one that reflects the life of Christ. one who was subjected to the powers and laws of his time and simply lived rightly. and i wish i was doing more, but i'm learning to be patient. i am learning that the Lord is not slow as i understand slowness, but he is patient. and i think he is teaching me that Kingdom values can not be learned overnight. i'm so attached to this world that i have even believed its methods of success, effectiveness, and efficiency to be the best way. i can't explain how difficult it is to feel those beliefs being ripped away from me. to find that ways that i have acted in the past have been such a truncated understanding of how am i to live out my faith.

and so it is with one relationship at a time that i move.

i had the day off today. my friend told me about a lady who has been evicted from her apt. she had no one to help her move and a house full of trash, dirty dishes, and broken furniture. i spent some time helping her find some peace in the overwhelmed feelings of stress, helplessness, and hopelessness that paralyzed her from doing anything. for the first ten minutes, all she did was walk in circles telling my friend and i that there was no point in our being there, that nothing could be done, there was too much junk. calmly we reassured her that it would get done and we began taking loads of things to the dumpster, taping up boxes, and packing up the things she wanted.

i visited a friend i have made who is confined to a bed at a nursing home. sometimes she looks at the ceiling and gets so scared that it is caving in on her that the fear is evident in her whole body, and i see her struggling to make her hand grasp the railing on her bed so that she can feel safe. sometimes she feels that she is falling out of her bed and that scares her, too. she used to be a stripper, she tells me, after she left home at sixteen, and there are autographed photos from men that adored her above her bed, "to boom-boom, the greatest star to ever hit chicago," they say. but in her early thirties she was severly beaten by a boyfriend. she spent some time in a wheelchair, but after a fall was told that she had to stay in bed for her own safety. now her only time out of bed is for a couple of hours in the morning on a geri chair. today was her birthday, and when i saw her i asked if anyone had sang the song to her. she told me that the nurse had told her happy birthday in the morning. i sang loudly, proudly and held the hand of a sixty-six year old woman, too young to be in a nursing home. i sat with her for an hour and we talked about life, about our fears, about the things we loved...

so is this revolutionary? i shared my struggles with david, the director of the apprenticeship program and told him about my beautiful day - about how much joy i felt being with these women. he told me that i spent the day with two women who were probably considered "losers" by others in society, but who are greatly valued and loved in the Kingdom.

i find myself grateful for the opportunities to live simply in order to work less and to live with eleven others in order to spend less. it gives me time to seek out people who i long to love and be with. i don't really think that it is revolutionary, but it's the right thing to do and it satisfies my soul, heart, being in such a way that makes me wonder if i could ever truly express it.

the first hesitation

2006-09-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

on friday i went into town to interview for a job. as i got ready for the interview, i realized that it was the first time i had spent time thinking about what i should wear, how i should fix my hair, whether or not i should wear makeup. as i got into my car (a ticket on the window, ouch), i realized that i had not driven since i arrived. the feelings were warnings to what i was about to experience.

the barnes and noble cafe i interviewed at is in a huge shopping mall. i walked in and was overwhelmed by the crowds of people shopping, talking on cell phones, walking fast...it had only been a week, but i had been removed enough from the city for it to be significant. i sat down to wait for the manager. she came and spoke to me about the store: the people who shop here are some of the wealthiest, they are very demanding, they are used to nice things, we give them what they want, blah, blah, blah. i nodded my head. could i handle that?

i drove back home feeling odd. i didn't like the fact that i had felt so awkward outside of reba where everyone is calm, no one cares about how you look, there's no need to shop, really, no need drive. sometimes i leave my house barefoot to run errands, with no purse, no cell phone, no keys. i thought the job might be good for me. maybe it would help me reconcile the two worlds, if i can call them two separate worlds. i don't know. so i took the job at the cafe. i'll also be working in the music dept.

and after two days of working the cafe, i realize i hate it. i really do despise being there. it feels compromising and hypocritical and false.

on monday night, the apprentices as i are part of a seminar with northpark students. we are reading the beloved community by charles marsh (we have one copy for the five of us so we've decided to read it together aloud). we meet with the other students for a big potluck dinner, then we break up into small groups to hear from one another and to pray for each other, then we hear a speaker who lectures over the chapter we have read. this week it was ch.1 on martin luther king, jr. it was a thought-provoking seminar that left with me with several concerns and questions.

when we got back to the house, i asked my friend if he would like to take a walk. i had the intention from the very beginning of probing his brain with my concerns. we talked about the copromises that we make (must make) in order to live. i talked about my job. we compared the leadership of bush and that of king. i don't know if that's a fair comparision? we discussed true christian leadership and compromised leadership. we discussed all the things we know are unjust and corrupt and choose to participate in anyway.

i walked the last block in silence. listening to my friend occasionally try to fill the void. i arrived home discouraged. why are you so silent now? he asked. it's too frustrating to follow Jesus. i said. maybe i should quit now.

he smiled and offered sincere, not shallow, words of encouragement and suggested that i read some scripture before i went to bed. i did. i brushed my teeth and went to bed singing, "i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. no turning back." and i sang sincerely. as difficult as it is to believe in principles that are so difficult to live out in this world, it's a decision i have made with a lot of thought. i could not turn back now. i'd be more miserable knowing there was hope and chosing not to embrace it.

2006-09-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

last weekend when we were at camp lake sitting on the dock looking out into the lake to watch the sun set, david sighed and said, "this is how a city man keeps his sanity."

"not on the interstate in the middle of heavy traffic?" the person sitting next to me asked.

"oh, i suppose we can discover the peace of Christ in any situation, but being here does something for me soul," david responded.

last night after about a two hour discussion about life, death, heaven, hell, faith, doubt, religion, knowledge, truth...with one of the apprentices who is not a Christian but grew up in a Christian home, i walked to my room, sat, and remembered david's comment. i think i understood what he meant because at that moment i longed to be back on the dock watching evening come like the herring on the water.

pictures of my new home

2006-09-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

snickers is the household dog. she's been misbehaving lately, but i think she's under control now. i'm trying to make her my friend and am finding that it's much easier than befriending denver combs. she's a nice dog.

the clearing, side & front view. i live here on the third floor.

reading by the window in my room. there's not a whole lot to do right now except walk the neighborhood exploring and looking for a job. i'm enjoying the time and taking up as much reading as i can. i'm reading the silence of st. thomas by josef pieper for a second time and started reading city of joy.

my room and evidence of my not so good camera. i apologize for the blurriness of the picture. here's a view of my bed and the window i've enjoyed reading beside.

the wall opposite my bed has been decorated by a cork board and photos. here's a fuller picture of the room showing the table with the computer.

jen worked very hard knitting the blanket that is now on my bed. a great gift and surprise! i did take more pictures of my room, but there not worth posting because they're not the greatest pictures. maybe later i'll find a better camera, but for now these will have to do.

i haven't given much thought to what i'm going to write

2006-09-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

jen and i arrived later than anticipated fri. night in evanston, il. the whole trip was fairly easy - no problems with weather, traffic, or directions. the only time i was a little frightened was in chicago. the traffic was very fast, and i was not aggressive enough for it. i am grateful for public transportation.

i settled into my room that night, determined to open and empty every box before i went to sleep. i took some pictures of my room but forgot my camera, so maybe i'll show pictures of my awesome decorating skills later. the room is on the third floor, and the women of reba had it nicely prepared for me with a bed, two drawers, a table, and two chairs. i tweaked it a little - like taking down the blue, flowery, frilly curtains in exchange for a simple sage green curtain panel i had brought with me - to make it look more like me. more like home. whatever that is.

we went to church on sunday and had communion, which was really great. it was a calm, slow moment to see the faces of those in my community. we were given the bread and then passed the wine to those behind us. yeah. real wine. i'm not in a baptist church anymore.

after lunch all the apprentices left for a retreat house that reba owns on camp lake in wisconsin. it's beautiful there. we spent the evening hearing one another's life stories in between making and eating dinner, taking the canoe and row boat out on the lake, a short hike, building a fire, making smores...it was a delightful evening, and i could not imagine a better way to get to know those with whom i will be spending a great amount of time. all the other apprentices are younger than me (of course) and are good, honest, vulnerable, thoughtful people. they are already significant figures in my faith formation. i don't quite understand how that could happen so quickly, but it's true. that night i fell asleep (and woke up) to the sound of rain gently falling on the roof and the leaves outside the window.

the next morning, after a breakfast of french toast, fruit, coffee and apple juice, we had a bible study followed by a time of prayer for one another. then, others from reba place drove up to meet us for lunch. i was so happy to see jen's face among them. i ate, played, sat around a talked, walked the trails again...

today i woke up at 6:15 because i was in charge of breakfast. tonight i am in charge of dinner. i'm going to make enchiladas, rice, and beans. hopefully that will be good for everyone. oh! i should also make salsa! just thought about it. also taking jen to the airport today. that will be sad, but i won't think about it now.

in s.angelo

2006-08-28T06:17:00.001-07:00

i'm at my parents' house in san angelo for the majority of the week. that means i have access to a computer. by the time i woke up today at 7:30, almost everyone had already left the house for school, work, etc. in bed, i was in an unsteady state of sleep and could hear the conversations that were going on in the house. they were incorporated into my dreams. i felt as though it was the first day of school, and i was going to be late.

i don't really know what to blog about today. i could write about moving, but that would just make me sad. i could write about the excitement i feel for what i'll be doing, but most everyone's heard that already.

when i tell people about what i'm doing, most ask me how i became interested in the subject. it all started with this book -

i first read excerpts from yoder's book three years ago when i wrote a paper on the political nature of the kingdom of God. then, a year and a half ago, i read the entire book for a class i was taking. i was intrigued by the issues that yoder spoke about, but wasn't convinced by all the things he said. i had issues with his thoughts on subjugation and believed that his refusal to participate in secular politics was an easy way out of dealing with the real problems of society. at the time, i was convinced that if the church was to have any significant influence on society, it would need to be active in changing policy.

i read the book again. this time for a class on social justice. the class read yoder after reading walter rauschenbusch, reinhold niebuhr, gustavo gutierrez, marvin olasky, and karen lebacqz's six theories of justice, which included philosophical and theological perspectives on social ethics. when i read yoder alongside all these others, my views on his stance began to change. everyone's solutions seemed truncated, or compromised, but yoder wasn't necessarily trying to offer any solutions. his challenge is for the church to be faithful to the politics of the kingdom it represents, whether or not they are effective. i felt i must be a pacifist, whether or not i believed war was necessary to overthrow evil dictators, because it was the way of Christ. many of my ideas began to change. but it was difficult to act the way i wanted to. i felt the only way i could enact the ideals i was challenged to embrace was if i could find a community of people who thought the same way and who were practicing things in the same way. it was during this time that i became interested in church communities that were very intentional about living together, sharing things together, visible enough to be different in the society they were living.

i began researching intentional communities and found there were so many in existance. for those interested, this page is an online directory of many intentional communities. it has a place where you can search according to different preferences. it was through this research, and much prayer, that i ended with the three different communities in mind to visit. and we all know how the story ends. i fell in love with reba place, and that's where i'll be heading on friday.

while i was in india, i read this book by shane claiborne. so much of what he writes resounds with my own dreams and passions. i felt so unoriginal knowing that someone else had been led down the same path, through simliar thought experiences. at the same time, it was extremely helpful to read. i have asked everyone in my family to read the book in order to better understand my decision to move to reba place. i hope they will.

then, there's this book that i picked up and read during my stay at reba place. it's the one that i think may cause some to squirm a little. wendell berry is very frank and speaks against practices by those on both sides of the line. but i his thoughts are valuable and have helped me better communicate the reasons for my convictions.

so, if you're interested in the things that have pushed me toward this move to chicago. these are three books i recommend.

i haven't been to a computer

2006-08-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

having no access to the internet has forced me to forego the blogging for a while...well, that and the whole moving thing.

hopefully i can give a full update once i am in chicago.

me + radio + tv = something to blog about

2006-08-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

i think i'm in love. yesterday on all things considered, i heard michele norris interview jose gonzales. he was crushable when he spoke - he has this lovely, unique accent that is a blend of his european and latin american roots (his parents are from argentina, and he was born in sweden). when i heard his music, i fell in love.

it's enough to make me a little sad that i'm missing acl. please tell me you will go see him. he plays on the last day of the festival from 3:30-4:30 at the at&t blue room. no one worthwhile overlaps his concert. trust me. you'll like. if you click on the link above, you can listen to the interview. if you go to the bottom of page under "related npr stories," there's a link to hear him in concert.

in other news...did you watch project runway? michael kors was back! though he was a little boring. he didn't give us any prized phrases to repeat and use as often as we can in conversation. i was excited that michael won. he is quickly becoming my favorite.

but what was up with this?
bradley's modern day version of cher was horrible. my friend jonmark said he took a costume design class once for theater. he's pretty sure he could make this outfit. now that i look at the picture, i realize how bad it really was.

jonmark called it and knew bradley was the one to go.

i have to say, though, last night i was really hoping that vincent would be the one to go. his twiggy outfit was disgusting. the whole presentation (especially with the fake lashes drawn on his model) made me think of the movie clockwork orange. plus, he really annoys me. maybe he'll be "auf'd" next week.

nothing like a little project runway to help pass an hour with mindless conversation and good fashion. well, good minus bradley and vincent.

i'm moving

2006-08-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine brought to my attention the fact that i've never said (at least not on this blog) that i will be officially leaving to chicago. it's true. i'm moving on sept.1. so, quickly...

more about reba place fellowship and what i'll be doing - it's actually a really cool community that started in 1957 by some students from goshen college. the place boomed in the mid '70's and was beginning to die out until recently. within the last 2-3 yrs. a lot of younger people who came as interns have stayed. it's given hope to the original members that the community will continue.

the fellowship spans about 5 or 6 blocks in evanston. they have bought houses and apts in the area in which they live as households. there are 35 members of the fellowship and 5 or 6 households. the ex- interns will be establishing a new one in sept. i will be living in a household called "the clearing," which is made up of 12 other people. it's multi-generational, and i will probably be one of the youngest persons there. the houses and apts. that are not used by people working with reba place are rented out as affordable living homes for those with lower incomes.

they have a lot of things they're doing - a daycare, a homeless shelter, a food pantry, a local grocery store, a sister community that has a farm (connected with the csa), their own plot in a community garden, a store where they sell their hand-made crafts, a garage where they fix up old bikes and sell or give them away. they get their vegetables from the farm and shop at the grocery store. there are some artists in the community that are doing very interesting things. as an apprentice, i will be working with an afterschool program that they have established, living in one of the households, and interacting with the other apprentices through reading and discussion, prayer times, and some shared meals.

i trust that this will be a challenging and joyful experience for me to learn about community, to rid myself of a false need for independence, and to cultivate habits that deny the facade of what seems to be in order to live in the true reality of another kingdom.

i hope to have time to write a little more about it. for now, it's back to boxes and work.

one month

2006-08-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

yesterday i finally finished my india reflection paper. now it's time to start going through my belongings and packing. only, i don't want to start yet. i want to believe that i still have a long time left here. my days are filled with a movement from excitement to saddness. i get very excited when i think about the new experiences that await me at reba place, but it doesn't help the fact that i will no longer be able to see the people i love as regularly as i do now.

here's the conclusion to my paper:

He sat on the floor with his body wrapped in saffron colored clothing. A saffron colored turban covered his head, but his thick, uncut beard let me know that underneath the turban was hair that had also been allowed to grow. It was part of his vow, he said to us. After years of struggling with what it meant to be Hindu and follow Christ, this man, who we called Swami G (a Hindu title that identifies the bearer as a learner of religious and spiritual matters), spoke to us about how his calling led him to make choices that eventually exiled him from both Hindu and Christian communities. He made lifestyle choices that many Christians in India could not endorse – he refused to eat meat as proof of his faith in Christ; he continued to wear the traditional clothing of his culture; he would not marry and would not cut his hair. He lived simply and humbly, believing all his decisions to be guided by his relationship with God. Yet, those within his own culture could not understand him. His choices were made in devotion to a God who was embraced by those in the West. He did not participate fully in their worship acts to their gods. Why was he so exclusive? Why did he not embrace the Hindu gods if he was a renouncer within the Hindu tradition?
Swami G spoke and I began to see that the products of his labor were not the vows and decisions that he had made, but the happiness and satisfaction of knowing that he was in God’s will. Though he was an enigma to many in his country, he was being used by God to make known the love and salvation of Christ to reunite humanity with Deity.
My own choices - to be a vegetarian, to begin the purging of my possessions, to live more simply, to buy less, to find an intentional Christian community in which to live, to possibly remain single the rest of my life – were ones that I made (am considering) prayerfully and deliberately. But these are not the defining yields of my relationship with Christ. They are only my markings, my delights, my attempts to move beyond this world and into life in the Kingdom come. They are choices I make to ensure that I will not be tempted to simply walk by the rows of people Christ demands I stop and love. They are the changes I am making to answer the question I wrote in my journal a few days before I left for my trip: What must I change for my life to be in complete submission? Not to society, not to tradition, not to family, not to norms, but to God’s calling in my life.

lyrical joy

2006-07-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

i was telling my friends the other day that i have been listening continuously to colplay's x&y album. i started listening to it when i got back from india because i hadn't heard it for so long. i began realizing that every song seemed to have something to say to my current situation. i think chris martin must have just graduated from seminary and been looking for his next place when he wrote these lyrics. to me the whole album is about taking the next step, risking failure for the sake of the move, all the while finding comfort in a great love. there are some lines i sing along to loudly, they confess my greatest fears and hopes. other lines are so sobering and comforting, i just sit and listen. here are some of my favorite lines from the songs on that album.

square one
the future’s for discovering
the space in which we're travelling

under the surface trying to break through
deciphering the codes in you
i need a compass, draw me a map...

what if
every step that you take
could be your biggest mistake
it could bend or it could break
but that's the risk that you take

that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
that’s right
how can you know it when you don’t even try
that’s right
let’s take a breath, jump over the side
that’s right
you know the darkness always turns into light

white shadows
maybe you'll get what you wanted
maybe you'll stumble upon it
everything you ever wanted
in a permanent state

maybe you'll know when you've seen it
maybe if you say it you’ll mean it
and when you find it you'll keep it
in a permanent state
a permanent state

swim out on a sea of faces
the tide of the human races
oh, an answer now is what i need
see it in the new sun rise and
see it breaking on your horizon

talk
oh, brother, i can’t believe it’s true
i’m so scared about the future
and i want to talk to you
oh, i want to talk to you

so you don’t know where you’re going
and you want to talk
and you feel like you’re going where you’ve been before
you'll tell anyone who’ll listen but you feel ignored
and nothing’s really making any sense at all
let’s talk, let’s talk

speed of sound
how long before i get in
before it starts, before i begin
how long before you decide
before i know what it feels like
where to, where do i go
if you never try then you’ll never know
how long do i have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine

a message
my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don’t have to be alone

your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it’s so hard to see clearly
you don’t have to be on your own
you don’t have to be on your own

low
all you ever wanted was love
but you never looked hard enough
it’s never gonna give itself up
all you ever wanted to be
living in perfect symmetry
nothing is as down or as up
don’t you want to see it come soon
floating in a big white balloon
or given on your own silver spoon
don’t you want to see it come down
there for throwing your arms around
and say "you're not a moment too soon"

the hardest part
and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part
it was the hardest part
and the strangest thing was waiting for that bell to ring
it was the strangest start

twisted logic
you’ll go backwards
but then you’ll go forwards again

'til kingdom come
still my heart and hold my tongue
i feel my time, my time has come
let me in, unlock the door
i never felt this way before

hold my head inside your hands
i need someone who understands
i need someone, someone who hears
for you i’ve waited all these years

for you i’d wait til kingdom come
until my day, my day is done
and say you’ll come and set me free
just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

that's almost every song on the album. i wish i was listening to it right now.

another thing that's brought me some comfort (lyrically) is the work of george herbert. i've posted some of his poems before. i've been reading them devotionally, over and over again throughout the day, trying to grasp exactly what he's saying. one of my favorites these days is this one:

The Answer

My comforts drop and melt like snow:
I shake my head, and all the thoughts and ends,
Which my fierce youth did bandy, fall and flow
Like leaves about me, or like summer-friends
Flies of estates and sun-shine. But to all,
Who think me eager, hot, and undertaking,
But in my prosecutions slack and small;
As a young exhalation, newly waking,
Scorns his first bed of dirt, and means the sky;
But cooling by the way, grows pursy and slow,
And settling to a cloud, doth live and die
In that dark state of tears: to all, that so
Show me, and set me, I have one reply,
Which they that know the rest, know more than I.

i don't want to write a whole lot because i've probably already lost most of my readers, but some favorite things about the poem
- the wisdom of an aged poet who is looking back on time, remembering the passion he had as a youth who wanted to reach the sky. his seeming disappointment with the way his aging has settled him to complacency and his lost vigor.
- the imagery created in the first four lines of a head with hair the color of snow falling when shaken. remembering the seasons backwards, looking back on time. of the thoughts falling slowly now, escaping without any fierce action on his part, not being thrown as they were when he was young.
- having desired as a youth to reach the sky, away from the dirt, he finds himself at the end of the poem settled in a cloud. only the cloud is like a rain cloud, dark and full of tears.
- there is no real answer, except that rest is what is desired. if "the rest" means death, it returns the reader's mind to thoughts of the earth and dirt. so what should be desired? was the fierceness of his youth a good thing? or did his desire for success only lead him away from his natural, intended surroundings? does rest mean contentment where one finds himself instead of always looking up?
- the poem has a completely different tone at the end than what the beginning seemed to be implying. maybe herbert isn't necessarily disappointed with growing pursy and slow. it seems that he is wishing he had learned earlier in life the value of rest and contentment; yet, he is still learning. he has not yet known "the rest." is that to come on the final day?

i started reading the sonnet yesterday and have yet to have it completely figured out. that is why i love the poems of george herbert. i wish you all could love them as much as i do. what do you think about this poem? do you think i'm completely off?

i write a lot in my journal

2006-07-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

i've never copied an entry from my written journal to this blog, but i've decided that i wanted to share what i wrote after my first night at reba place. so, if the language is annoyingly emotive, i apologize. but i think you will understand - that's what journals are for...

7/19 at Reba Place. it is completely lovely. not because it is perfect, but because in the midst of the imperfections that come with being human the people here have made a commitment to love and to be loved, and because i, in my imperfections, am learning more about how to use my natural giftings to interact with people i don't know well.

there's a trust here at reba place. i don't want to say that it's an easy trust, but i find it quite natural to share my story with these people and to confess my true feelings. i don't think that makes it easy, though. the trust that one finds here comes from years of living with other believers and from years of following Christ - of learning what it means to love; of practicing discernment; of enacting hospitality. here, behind the ease of trusting there are years of struggle, of being wounded and restored. to call it easy would not do it justice.

an air of age and timelessness surrounds the buildings of reba place. i find myself comforted not only by the love and hospitality i am shown, but by the wisdom of generations past and knowing that so many have passed through this place voicing the same concerns as i have, embracing the same hopes as i do: that the church could be more than she is; that the community of saints could rise up to be those whose lives reflect something different from this world; that love of God and neighbor could be the first passion in the lives of believers; that reconciliation and resurrection could be the desire of every encountered relationship; that imagination would be fostered by our experiences in the church; and that we could learn to look past the way things appear to be in order to discover the reality of how life is lived in the kingdom. where we are content and satisfied intstead of always wanting to buy more. where we appreciate our bodies when we are healthy instead of degrading it based on others' standards; where we see the beauty and sacredness of God's creation instead of believeing it is is for us to dominate, abuse, neglect, and exploit. these are my passions, and i am seeking for a safe place to nurture and explore them.
____________________
stayed with grete, aaron, and barbara for most of today. there was to be a potluck dinner @6:30, so barb and i made waxbean casserole, veg. kabobs, and rice. there was a feast awaiting us when we arrived - soup with potatoes, squash, tomatoes, onions, and noodles; a casserole with chard, dill, tomatoes, and eggs; homemade bread, and delicious chocolate pies. all vegetarian!

after dinner tatiana told me they would have evening prayer at 9pm. i went to aaron, barb, & grete's and picked up my stuff to come to the guest apt. a lovely simple room has been assigned to me. twin bed with sheets striped in lt. blue, pink, and white with flowers trimming the edges. a chair. a bedstand with a lamp. a closet with hangers. what more do i need?

walked to the apartment for evening prayer. as i tried to remember how to get there, i heard the voices of people singing. resounding from an open window, pouring beauty out into the streets. then i knew where i was going. as i walked, it was a moment when i felt at peace, in union, with creation. the air around me blew my hair at just the right time to cool my neck at just the right place. dusk settled in with enough light to guide my steps. the solitude and attitude of the summer night expressed the joy of my heart. then i went to pray.

safe in the arms of strangers

2006-07-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

i arrived in chicago midway airport last night anxious and nervious. i read most of the way (anne lamott's blue shoe) and chatted some with the girl next to me who dropped her cup of water right between her legs. apparantly i wasn't the only one who was nervious. at least i hide it better. i mean, come on. get a grip. (if you could see my eyes you'd know that's a joke). so i arrived wondering if i'd be able to work chicago's transportation system. if i'd find my way through the airport alright. i was a little sad that i had to travel by myself. i despise the fact that everytime i have to do something challenging on my own i start reconsidering the whole single thing. my thoughts naturally go there. and then reading anne lamott whose character is sad about being divorced and wanting to date any man, even a married one...

but i've decided that almost anyone with any sense could work the transportation system here. it's pretty easy. it's true that my friends (who were at first only friends of my friends, but now definitely my friends as well) have helped me through it, telling me which line to take where, but i was still scared that i wouldn't find the line or that i'd miss my stop or not have put enough money on my card. i was really scared that i wouldn't even be able to find the trainstation from the airport. there's signs everywhere (with directions) and for those who don't want to read or notice, there are voices overhead telling you what to do. "this is the red line to howard," "this is argyle. the doors open on the left at argyle. you can connect to the purple and brown line here," "the next stop is loyola..." and so on. i think if i moved here i could definitely make do without a car, and i can't tell you how much that excites me.

i left the house at 7:30 this morning and took the red line to fullerton and then walked about a block and a half to the depaul student service center. i registered for the conference and found some people from waco! yay! not alone. see? single's alright. there were so many great sessions today - on agrarian farming and it's relation to urban life, on the catholic worker's movement. i heard three different takes on the use of imagery in worship and christian formation - one from an orthodox perspective, one from a catholic perspective, and one from a mennonite perspective. it was very interesting. i also went to a seminar entitled, "beyond sunday school: christian formation and subversive worship." also very good.

i walked by loads of great books that i stopped myself from buying, but i'm going to pray about it tonight and may end up buying one or two of them. i don't know yet. there's a 40% off discount conference price, so i feel like it's a good deal. i just don't know which ones would be most beneficial.

i've met lots of cool people. today i met several from reba place and even went by there tonight with one of the ladies i met. i met up with her at the train station, and she offered to show me how to get to reba place and then drive me back to where i was staying. but i only knew one way back to this place and that was from the train station. she thought she knew how to get here, but we ended up getting lost. i had forgotten my cell phone.

reba place is not what i imagined it to be. i thought it would be some gated community where they grew vegetables and had a church building at the center of the place. i was pleasantly surprised. it turns out that the fellowship is made up of a bunch of different apartment buildings and houses on one street where people live. there are several households - that is, around 5 or 6 people live together in the house or apt. complex on different floors. the church is within walking distance on the corner of a street. there is a garden where they grow their vegetables, but i haven't seen it yet. i think i may get to work in the garden on thurs.

i have also met a lot of neat people who are leading the conversations about things like how to live faithfully in a world marked by consumerism and materialism. and by leading i mean they're the ones writing books and articles on these type of issues and having them published. today at dinner i met a delightful lady and had wonderful conversations with her. then as we were getting ready to leave she says, "i have to skip out and make a call. i saw the cover of my book today, and i was surprised...i didn't really like it." she said it all as though it was her fault that she didn't like and as if she felt she should like it no matter what. then she and the others at the table talked about whether or not she had any say in the matter and if so, how she should go about saying something. i just smiled - i have nothing. i've never had a book published.

now i'm off to the futon. tomorrow is conference in the morning and reba place in the afternoon. night.

on my way

2006-07-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

i leave today at 3PM for my flight to chicago. last night, i finished my application. it took a long time as i was made to reflect upon great questions like, "what do you hope to change about yourself during your time with us?" and "why are you interested in reba place?" it also took me a good bit of time to think about all my strengths and weaknesses.

here's what i came up with:

strengths - organizing, plannin, communicating,listening, nurturing, serving, hospitality, writing, teaching, being open to new ideas, learning languages, taking criticism from those who love me, initiating friendships, implementing ideas, following directions, asking questions, cooking, being creative, reading people's responses, humor, giving gifts...

weaknesses - impatience, taking too long to make decisions, responding poorly to criticism from strangers, asking too many questions, being insecure in new environments, worrying, budgeting, being overly frank with others, reliance on comforts, using silly behavior and jokes to make people like me, insecurities about physical looks, fashion - clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry...

hopefully these are the strengths and weaknesses of someone they would want to be in community with.

when i was younger and thought of myself i never dreamed i'd become like this

2006-07-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

guess what mistake i made this time? turns out my flight doesn't leave at 7 on mon. morning like i thought it did. it leaves at 7 P.M. P.M. that means night. all this time, i thought i had booked the flight for the morning, so i never looked closely at my itinerary. and now it's too late to change without eating a ridiculous fee.

so. that means i will miss the first day of the conference - no stanley hauerwas. no psalters concert. it also means i will miss registeration, so not i'm waiting for a response to see if i'll still be able to even attend. surely so, but you never know. i never would have thought i'd make a mistake differentiating between a.m. and p.m.

i let that one little mistake set my thoughts off today: nothing's going to go right. my job ends in july. i'm going to have no money to live. and so on.

then i'm left to consider how ridiculous i am when i allow worry to get the better of me.

so now it's an hour until lunch and things are better. i've had my small/HUGE dilemma for the day and can now have my fun.

ah. living.

i'm talking jibberish. tip of the tongue can't make sense of it

2006-07-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

today i'm listening to the show of paste's 100 best living song writers on all songs considered. jeff tweedy is no. 24. aw yeah. myles will be happy to find that bruce springsteen is no.3. check it out. let me know what you think about the list.

back to working on my paper.

teaser

2006-07-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

i have started writing my reflection paper. intro is almost finished. it's a work of art. a masterpiece of struggle and redemption.

can you tell i'm fighting to not let this paper be one huge cliche?

here's a little of what i have so far:

Before I could be shown the person I am in relation to the person I am called to be, I was first forced to consider and remember the person I used to be. I had no idea that this phenomenon was to take place as I sat on the airplane in Dallas traveling to L.A. It had not yet begun its acceleration down the runway for flight, but my heart was already soaring in anticipation of the journey I was beginning. The excitement produced bubbles of thoughts – airy, weightless, floating thoughts - that threatened to disobey the lit seat belt sign. They were foolish enough to believe that they had some weight to fight off the deeper questions and concerns that were lurking in the back of my mind. For a moment, I let myself be carried off by them, only to finally arrive in India with the loud thud of a questionable landing and a hot bus ride to claim my luggage.
By the time our team arrived in Hyderabad, I found myself in a country so unlike my own, I began daydreaming about time-travel. My fellow travelers and I were secretly transported to the past. We were being studied as we experienced for the first time an example of the airports of old, before the days of air-conditioned vehicles, fancy computer graphics, and contemporary design. Then, we walked out into the city, and I was reminded of the volume and madness produced by modernity. Riding as a passenger through the streets of India is like being inside a video game. With no control, I hear the repeated music of horns honking, see the constant movement of people on every empty spot, and watch the driver as he attempts to get to the final destination as quickly as possible, with as little damage as possible.

first draft. remember that. suggestions are invited.

upon rereading, this post makes me sound depressed

2006-07-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

i think i've hit a cement block with my writing. i can't do it. everyday i open this blog page and click on "create a new post." i stare at the screen, check email, do work...anything but write. i have a reflection paper to write over my time in india. it's due pretty soon, but i haven't been motivated to do it. i have a journal overflowing with things i wrote while in india, but now my mind feels dry. maybe every thought sweated off in india. do you ever feel like you have absolutely nothing interesting to say?

the latest news about my life is that i'm trying to figure out my next move quickly without rushing into anything. that's the tension. last night i said to a friend, "i don't want to be in waco for the sake of staying in waco, but i don't want to leave just for the sake of leaving." he looked like he understood what i was saying, but as the words left my mouth, i thought, "WHAT?" what does that even mean? i feel like my time in waco now is just filling a void. a place to be because there's nowhere else to be. a job to work (these days i really hate the cafe) because there's no place else to work. i need some direction. i need some inspiration. i need to feel like i'm here for a reason. i need to know that there's something i'm working towards here. i want to see that there's a life and place for me after truett seminary graduation.

on july 17th i will be traveling to chicago for a conference. it's a gathering put on by the ekklesia project - a forum whose commitments i greatly resonate with. i spent time fretting about the money for the flight/accomodations/food, but things have worked out in my favor and i am very excited about being able to attend. my hopes are that i will meet people with whom i can have some valuable converstations with about church, community, and creative ways i can live out the things i feel i am being called to. click here for more info about the gathering.

after the conference, i'm visiting a community that i am interested in. i'm staying wednesday night through sunday afternoon at reba place with the hopes that i can learn more about the community and speak with them seriously about their internship program. in my heart, i feel like this trip could be just as meaningful for me as my trip to india, but i need to mix in some practicality with those idealistic feelings, right?

and when i return, i'll be trying to find a way to make a trip to this place, another interest. until then, i'm still researching different communities, trying to find motivation to fill out the mennonite central committee application, and finding inspiration to ask the question, "would you like that in a venti?"

a salute to indian cuisine

2006-06-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

and now i am back from india. i've been back for some days now. arrived 1:35 a.m. sunday morning. kept my family awake, slept for almost 5 hrs, and went to church. it was the best way i could imagine to be introduced back into life in waco - with a worship service. i was happy to be sitting between friends, singing, praying, taking the Lord's supper. my mom, dad, and sister devina left the next day, and i was left alone to process my thoughts.

when people ask me about india, it's sometimes hard to discern what they really want to hear. are they asking to be kind? do they really want to know what it was like? sometimes i get it wrong and about 5 min. into a story i see their eyes glaze over. i try to find some awkward way to end the story: "yeah. that's about it. thanks for asking." sometimes i think i really could talk for hours sharing stories that may mean nothing to anyone except me.

but lately i've been thinking about the food in india. it felt like we were always eating. always at a new restaurant. the few times we had a meal prepared in a home were so appreciated because i knew that soon i would be having to order from a menu. and there's new names to things. i became familiar with what some things meant, and started ordering those things. dals are good - lentils cooked in more ways than you can imagine. aloo - potatoes. i ordered that a lot. i would hope that whatever sauce i ordered with my potatoes was tasty. paneer - it has a tofu-like consistency, but is cottage cheese. this may have been my favorite, but sometimes my stomach didn't like it when i thought about ordering it.

i learned that most people order their entree with either a bread or rice. a lot of times, people in our group would order both and the server would raise his eyebrows: "you want naan? or rice? naan and rice? oh! this is a lot of food..." there are several kinds of bread: rotis, chapatis, and naan. sometimes i preferred the roti because it was thin like a tortilla. especially with a good potato dish. it was like having a burrito back home. but soon i discovered the garlic naan. after that, it was all i ordered. sometimes i just ordered garlic naan with soup and was very happy.

there weren't a whole lot of options for dessert. a lot of ice cream. the worst thing i had, maybe the worst ever in life, was a dessert. i'm not sure what it was called, but it was a small, white ball in a puddle of clear liquid. when i chewed on it, it squeaked between my teeth. felt like a sponge, soaking up the very, very sweet, rose-tasting water it was in. the sponge didn't taste like anything, really. so, it was just like chewing on a sponge for weird tasting sweet water. yuck.

most things were really good, though. especially tea. i rarely drank coffee in india. instead, i would generally order tea with milk. it was best when it was seasoned with cardamon, ginger, etc. one day we went to a festival type place where they made the chai in front of us on coals and served us the drinks in these small clay cups that were so hot you could only hold them on the top and bottom with two fingers. it was the best chai i ever tasted in my life. can't you tell in the picture?

that same day, we ate a feast. sitting on floors and pillows with a small block wood table in front of us. we had huge plates that were continuously being filled with different kinds of great tasting delicacies. so why is it that now, when i see the picture of the meal from that day, my stomach turns?

if you've spoken with me since my return, you know that i've developed quite a relationship with my stomach. my life has been lived in attempting to appease its whims. at first, it wasn't having anything to do with whatever was put before me. it didn't even want the fumes to enter its domain. the smell of any food offended it. if i chose to hang out anyway, it decided to force me to leave by demanding a visit to the bathroom. recently, it's decided that it would like some foods, but not everything. so when i'm eating i have to ask, do you like this? or will you decide to cramp and hurt 30 mins. after i've finished it? even then, sometimes it thinks it wants something only to discover...yikes. not a good idea. i hate to say it, but it's true. i can handle not having to see indian food for a while.

but it's getting better, and i'm hopeful that pretty soon my stomach will be ok and the normal 3x a day visits to the restroom will return - instead of the too frequent visits now. that's a new relationship being established that i will spare you from hearing about. the restroom. eh.

so. that's my salute to indian cuisine and all the consequences of eating in foreign country. while i was there it was not so bad, but the return...i should've just stayed.

2 days

2006-05-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

the other day i had lunch with a friend from church. i don't really know her that well, but we've been working together planning a possible church trip to visit our sister church in mexico. our meal was meant to allow us to get to know one another better. she asked me about my expectations about india - the second time, i think, that someone has asked me this question. for some reason, this time, i was very sincere. i surprised myself as i allowed myself to hope for big things. i think it was because she asked me not only about my expectations, but also about my fears. so, i was able to qualify my expectations by explaining that all this time i've been keeping myself from having high expectations because i'm afraid it will lead to disappointment. but, the truth is, i want my journey to india to challenge and solidify what i've been thinking about the church and about my faith. in my head, it's going to be this great motorcycle diary experience. and if that doesn't happen, i don't know. i think it'll be alright, but i may be sad when i return.

after i talked for almost half an hour about all this and more, she began to talk. as she did, i noticed the tears forming at the bottom of her eyes and i was struck by her sincerity and vulnerablity. she encouraged me by affirming my thoughts and sharing her own experiences. she spoke briefly about her time as a recently married woman traveling to other countries and the effect it had on both her and her husband. for her part, there was not much time. we had been sitting in the restaurant a long time. but in those few minutes i felt i understood completely what she wanted to say. i was embarrased by the amount of time i took up explaining myself.

after this meeting, i had a meeting with a professor who i have recently been introduced to. i sat and listened to him speak, and when he asked me a question, i found myself wanting to be as brief as possible. i think i talk too much. i wasn't always this way. i didn't always believe my opinion needed to be heard. i didn't always think it was necessary to announce my opposing views to someone when they said something i couldn't agree with. i don't know when the switch happened. it was probably gradual, but i want to move a little more back toward the side of silence. i have a friend who rarely speaks. he gets teased about it alot, and i used to think it was really strange to not want to talk, but now i'm wondering if he's been right all along.

so, i leave sunday. i don't know how much i'll blog while i'm away, but maybe i'll make some time. if not, i will for sure when i return. i took a picture of me waving goodbye to post - and also you can see my new haircut.

i'll email when i'm around a computer. give chorizo plenty of love. have your own fun adventures to tell me about when i get back.
ask mom and dad if they can see the piercing in this picture. crazy - did i mention that my parents said absolutely nothing about my piercing until i mentioned it? my dad hadn't noticed and my mom refused to acknowledge it.

and...here's the lyrics to the dolly parton song from transamerica - "traveling thru." my friend and i included it in a cd we made for our travels to india. i think it's a great song.

Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' on

Questions I have many, answers but a few But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when And I hope I'll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew As I was travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin' thru I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'

Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', thru I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home Oh sweet Jesus if you're out there, keep me ever close to you As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', as I'm travelin' thru

try try again

2006-05-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

done and done. finals are over. i started reading my assigned novel for india class. it's like jane austen meets bengal, except this author's a man. it's taken some time to get into, but now i like it. it's called gora.

at the grocery store i saw a curious boy gag after picking up a piece of strong romano cheese and smelling it. the image is still in my head.

a couple making out as they ordered their caramel frappucinnos and white chocolate mocha - image still in head.

don't know what causes those kind of things to remain, but visions stay with me for a long time.

this is nothing. i felt like i should write something, but i've written nothing. the first things that came into my head.

yesterday i got a massage. that was really nice.

i'm out.

relax, don't do it

2006-05-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

eh. i don't really know what that frankie goes to hollywood song is all about, but it was the first thing that came into my head when i went to write a title. lately i've been putting lyrics into my conversations. example: to my friend who said a bug was on her boob i say, "did you get some attack-with-love-pure- bug-beauty-make-out action?" to the boy who sits next to me in hinduism class, chewing bubble gum i say, "you smell like strawberry fields forever." etc. glad i can be normal.

FINALS ARE OVER. i will probably never take one again in my life. it hasn't settled in. my head still thinks it belongs to a student because i still have a lot to do as a student. a couple of books to read, some presentations to get together. life in india will be grand. don't forget i leave on the 21st.

now i'm going to make some calls to mexico. oh! it's cinco de mayo. does your oldies station have a mariachi band playing live in the studio? cause ours does. it's a wonderful thing. one call to mexico, one to portland, and another to virginia. it's time to be serious about life after august.

have some fun today. i know i will.

why am i so boring lately?

2006-05-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

good news - i just finished a final. only one more to go. i was fortunate enough to have two take home finals. one of them was due early (today) and even though it wasn't fun to write it after a couple of weeks of finishing books and writing papers, it feels worth it now to have nothing due until friday.

i have a six hour silent retreat left to do, which i will probably do tomorrow. then i get to write an imaginary letter to an imaginery hindu friend for my final in religion & worldviews. then i start preparing more seriously for the trip to india. twenty days. unreal.

no worries

2006-04-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

i learned how to say "that's life" today in hindi. maybe i'll use it when i'm in india.

no worries, guys. graduation in august is back on, but not before i stressed myself out for two or three hours. nothing like a surprise to make me painfully aware of how i respond to changes in my plans.

options lead to dilemmas

2006-04-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

just found out i should be graduating in may. i don't know whether to be happy or stressed. i feel like any little thing sets me off these days, and i don't like the person i'm being. i think a change is coming, though...

easter weekend

2006-04-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

a few things can compare to the loveliness of a beautiful easter day. complete with a blooming cross of colorful flowers representing the risen christ, the banging of the drums and blowing of trumpets, the sermon reminding us of our finitude and need for redemption, the constant announcement that salvation has been given, the companionship of those who love honestly and sincerely, the correct enjoyment of things meant for pleasure. yesterday was beautiful.

EASTER-WINGS by George Herbert

LORD, who createdst man in wealth and store,
Though foolishly he lost the same,
Decaying more and more,
Till he became
Most poor :

With thee
O let me rise
As larks, harmoniously,
And sing this day thy victories :
Then shall the fall further the flight in me.

My tender age in sorrow did beginne :
And still with sicknesses and shame
Thou didst so punish sinne,
That I became
Most thinne.

With thee
Let me combine,
And feel this day thy victorie,
For, if I imp my wing on thine,
Affliction shall advance the flight in me.

2006-04-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

these days there's too much going on in my head to talk about. thoughts about my expectations for india, about how to rightly understand my actions as a christian in social issues, about what it would mean for me to leave waco, what it would mean for me to stay in waco, about how my crushes are always disasters, about my faith in Christ, about how that's the one thing i can't let go of, even when i'm speaking with a hindu and finding commonality in almost everything she says...and on and on.

and in my thinking about how i would like to address social justice issues, i am becoming convinced by yoder that my place as a christian is not to act within the political structures of our society. when i lend them my time, when i put my energy into trying to change things they way they allow for me to change things, i give them a place of power in my life that they should not have. by using their methods i support their ideals. but i don't know how to move away from political activism. it's all i've known. if only i could become a part of a community that could show me how to make a difference without using the system...

saying that, yesterday i took part in a rally organized by the hispanic community in waco. click here for the article
i didn't sign a petition; i didn't write a letter to my congressman; i didn't shout out my disdain for HR 4437. the truth is, i couldn't even attend before there was a real struggle in my head about whether or not to go. was it worth skipping palm sunday for? would i be saying that i supported the ways of the political system? in the end, i decided to go. because here's the deal: i want to stand among those who are being treated injustly. i wanted to be with people that i would not necessarily see at my church. even if i wasn't being active, even if i was simply walking in silence, i wanted to show my support for them, not the system. and as i listened to the voices of men, women, and children shout "el pueblo unido jamas sera vencido," as i watched mothers enduring the walk while having to carrying their babies, as i stood beside elderly men and women who walked despite the arthritic pain of growing old, i felt i had made the right choice. i don't know that i will ever understand the full plight of people who are denied the rights of basic human dignity, but i do know that standing there, among my people, i felt i was a part of their struggle.

turning 29

2006-04-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

i have to say, i wasn't excited about the passing of this year. 29 feels like a lame age to me. i don't know how, exactly, to describe why i don't like it. it's not because it's closer to 30. i'd almost just rather be 30. i just feel like it's an insignificant age. what happens when you're 29? at least when you turn 30 there's the marking of a decade. 29. blah.

but...i had a great birthday weekend. i spent the majority of my time with my family. my mom spoiled me with great vegetarian meals, and we spent the days talking and resting. i took off work sunday so i was able to go to church with the family and see a lot of friends that i hadn't seen in a long time.

i drove into town around 6 on sunday evening and got ready for dinner with friends. i was reminded that i have the best friends anyone could possibly have. quang had a marvelous meal for us - pot stickers, spring rolls, zuchinni soup, salmon stir-fry, cous-cous, and a cucumber, carrot, apple, etc. salad. scott gave me a beautiful flower arrangement with orange lillies and other flowers that i wish i knew the names of. i received some birthday mixes, a massage at a spa with my friend christy, and courtney donated a flock of chicks to a family in my name. we sat around and laughed and ate and drank. in the dark, because the electricity went out at the restaurant. it was so hot, but interesting. a nice, intimate dinner with nine of my closest friends. it was the best way to end a perfect weekend.

oh. and before i go. this is atticus, the gloers' puppy that i love so much. doesn't he remind you of maxwell before he turned gray?

becoming poor

2006-03-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

to give the context - when i went on the poverty simulation, i had just finished reading theology of liberation by gustavo gutierrez and had started reading politics of jesus by yoder for the second time. the experience helped me to think about what i had read as i lay awake, cold, hungry, uncomfortable. i kept wondering if this is what it meant to be in solidarity with the poor. did it mean that i should give up all i have and be homeless?

as i looked around at the 30 other people experiencing the simulation with me, i couldn't help but think that the answer wouldn't necessarily be the same for all of us - but should it be? should we all make a sincere commitment to make do with less, to make friends with those in need, to fight the struggle against the injustices of our system? or is it ok that others enjoy wealth and give out of their wealth to those in need? the thing is - it wasn't only the cold and hunger that kept me awake at night during those couple of days, it was also the static in my head. the noise of thousands of black ants racing on the screen, making no sense.

friday night was the worst. the longest night of my life. i had no watch to see how much time was passing in between my dozing and waking. no real way to keep completely warm - i'm claustrophobic and couldn't stand to have the sleeping bag completely covering my head. everytime i thought i had surely slept for a couple of hours and it must be daylight, i peeked out to a completely dark sky. i played mind tricks, reminding myself that there were times when i had been colder and still survived. i thought about what would happen the next day, or sunday, or monday. i imagined myself somewhere else, having a pleasant conversation with someone. i prayed. i thought about how easy it would be to just take a hit of something to forget about where i was or how horribly uncomfortable i was. every once in awhile i'd hear someone cough, or the person next to me snoring, or someone moving in their sleeping bag, and i found myself grateful for others who were enduring the same thing. gutierrez's notion of solidarity made more sense to me that night.

the truth is, i didn't really learn a lot of new information. i had heard most of it before; seen a lot of it before. but this weekend helped me to remember the commitment i had made to serving the needs of those who find themselves without, all the while remembering that at any moment it could be me, it should be me. after this weekend, i wondered why i shouldn't work with the knowledge that it is me. unfortunately, i have made decisions in my lifestyle that have displaced me, moved me far from that type of a lifestyle. i used to pray all the time that God would use me however he chose, that he would send me wherever, that he would put me in whatever situation. i don't know if my faith was stronger then, or more naive, but i do know that when i prayed those prayers i felt that nothing was too much for me to overcome with the help of God. and on friday night when i almost had a panic attack because i felt i was so cold i couldn't breathe, i wondered if i had ever really considered what i was praying for when i was younger.

i want to say that i didn't leave the weekend thinking i would never pray that prayer again. i left wanting to continue asking for the same thing, desiring a complete, humble obedient life-style. only now i know that when i pray, it won't be flippant, and it won't be easy. during these past couple of days and nights, i've been trying to get the prayer out. most of the time it's with a knot in my throat, a butterfly feeling in my stomach. it's slow, like i'm trying way too hard. but just so you know, i'm trying.

weekend plans

2006-03-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

i'm off to have what i hope will be one of those experiences that changes my whole perspective on life. today at 8pm i start the poverty simulation that mission waco sponsors. so, i'll be homeless for two nights. if you think of me this weekend, please pray for me to have endurance. i'm not going to lie, i'm a little nervious.

spring break '06

2006-03-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

ah. it's back to the routine, and i am glad for it. i don't think i could have passed my spring break in a more enjoyable way. i worked the cafe a lot, but even that was good because it means more money for the trip to india.

my family came in for the first part of the week. they left on monday and my sisters stayed until tues. what i love most about my family is that i can experience immense joy just by looking at them and seeing them interact. i thought about that one day when i was working. they had come in to waste some time, look at books, and have some drinks. everytime i looked up and saw them, i found myself very grateful for them. isn't it interesting that you can be reminded of the great love someone has for you and the love you have in return with a simple glance?

wednesday was my day to rest. so, i went to the library. i printed out some articles for a sermon due in april. this was the only day i really thought about school.

thurs. worked at the cafe and was allowed to leave early for my trip to austin! i was so excited about being able to leave town. austin was austin maxed out. tons of people for sxsw, decked out in their coolest, not-the-fad clothing, men wearing more make up than i was. it was fantastic. when i got there thurs. night i was so tired from work. i met up with a friend, told him he would have to make all the decisions for the night (my mind wasn't working), and started walking. we did a lot of walking in austin - up and down 6th street, listening for someone, something interesting that we would want to hear. we heard a couple of bands that night and ended the night in a dueling piano bar, where two men faced each other on pianos and sang requests from the crowd. things like rocket man by elton john. i think my friend thought it was lame, but i thought it was hilarious and wanted to stay - "let's stay until we hear a song neither one of us can name" - was my suggestion. so we left during this odd song about a redneck that was distasteful anyway.

fri. morning we got up and left round rock around 10. we went to la zona rosa for an mtv2 concert line up. the first show we watched was not good, so we left. we walked to waterloo. waterloo! within 20 minutes i had the new belle and sebastian, arctic monkeys, minus 5, kt tunstall cds, along with the kinks - village green, and radar bros - radar bros. i walked around the store searching for my friend, hoping he'd be a voice of reason to help me narrow down my selections. in the end, i purchased only one cd. do you want to guess which one it was? i can't remember if i told ya'll or not. after waterloo, we visited book people and whole foods, where we ate lunch and bought a bottle of wine to thank my cousin for letting us crash at her place.

after luch we went back to the mtv2 party to hear jack's mannequin, a pop-rock piano driven band. i didn't particularly care for them, though my friend assured me they sounded better on cd, which i think is sad. anyway, it wasn't the sound i didn't care for, it was more the lyrics. i can only take so much of what i've decided to call the "you and me baby, uh-huh, we're good/you and me baby, uh-oh, we're sad" kind of lyrics. i felt like all their songs could fall into one of those categories. i wondered if he had anything else going on his life besides trying to maintain his relationships with women.

but on fri. i did get to see kt tunstall, which was very good. i've wanted to see her ever since i watched her perform on conan. the show was short, but good. another friend joined us at the kt tunstall show and from then on there was more walking, hanging out, and getting to know one another. and i've decided one of the reasons it's semi-difficult to make new friends is because i have to rehash my whole life every time i want to sincerely befriend someone. i mean, i have to remember what i was like in college or high school. i'm forced to remember and claim my annoyances that all my old friends already know about and put up with. it is a bit tiring, but in the end it's completely worth it if the person sticks around.

on sat. i spent time with my cousins. we had brunch and they told me all about traveling in india and what i would need to make my trip more comfortable. i barely ate because i was trying to write down everything they said. they took me to a cool travel shop, whole earth provision, and i spent the rest of my money buying things for the trip. then we headed over to perfection tattoo, my cousin's fiances tattoo studio. we stayed there for a while just talking and looking at all the art around the studio. these tattoos are serious. i saw some beautiful drawings that made me wish i had a tattoo. i think it's safe to say i probably will never get one, but it's still fun to think about and really interesting to hear about. my cousin informed me on the art of tattooing, and i was intrigued for hours. i told her about flannery o'connors short story, parker's back, and thought it was funny how something i read in a seminary class could relate to a conversation about tattooing.

with my cousins and their very cool, classic austin, friends, i discovered that they didn't think i was lame for going to seminary. in fact, they thought it was good that i was interested in spiritual things, and spent a good amount of time asking me questions about my thoughts on christianity, other world religions, and the church in america. our conversations were enjoyable, but not superficial, and i found myself wishing i could stay longer.

on sat. night, when i was driving back to waco, my friend scott called me to come over and play a game. i arrived to find the board for sesame-street monopoly, set up, ready to go. i lost, of course. but it was a sweet way for me to come back home, back to the pace of things, where my friends are silly and don't care that i am, too. where i am force to make time to read things that cause me to think and deliberate about what i believe.

apparently i like to do whatever it seems

2006-03-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

four words/phrases i'd like to use more in conversation:
- hustle & flow (meaning "study/read" as in "i'm going to hustle & flow at beatnix")
- oh schnaap!
- quite right (maybe with an "ol' chap" at the end)
- mulligrubs

four words/phrases i need to stop saying:
- like
- apparently
- whatever
- it seems

four things i learned today:
- it might be too hard for me to call for pacifistic action from someone who experiences very real and life-threatening opression from a regime. i wonder if that makes me a weak pacifist, and i wonder if it's a choice i've made with enough thought. reading gutiérrez makes me glad i'm a pacifist and confirms my belief that a call for peace is necessary. i'm not as certain that i could condemn his call for peace through conflict in the midst of his situation. i'm in conflict over the issue, but not enough to stop calling myself a pacifist.
- in hinduism goddesses are the embodiment of shakti, or power. while male deities can exercise power, it is usually not thought of as being apart from their consort, but goddesses are able to stand alone. the sexual energy of women is recognized as a characteristic of the goddesses as a destructive, but also supremely creative power because of th epower of fertility. Sometimes, worship is centered around the menstrual cycle and celebration of women. it's interesting to find this in a religion of a culture that i have a tendency to quickly condemn for the oppression of women.
- i have a "damn the man" (as my friends call it) attitude to things even when i'm not aware of it. today this professor at starbucks told my friend and i that we would have to move at 10 because they were having a meeting. obviously i would not be moving. i was there first. but then i saw in my kind friends face that she was not completely comfortable with that choice. she said she would stick it to the man with me, and i realized that the attitude was in my thought process without my knowing.
- i'm not ready for spring break.

four things i want to do after work:
- thrift store shop (don't worry. i've given myself a $ limit)
- watch a movie
- meet friends at ninfa's
- stay out late doing nothing important/pressing/stressful

four things i should do after work:
- laundry
- clean bathroom
- pay bills
- go to bed early

kites, cheese fries, and contamination

2006-02-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

i'm at the gear-up office, because i've decided waco high would be cramping my style today. today i want to fly a gearup kite. it's windy outside, and there's a big field with no electric lines across from the building. i can't believe there aren't twenty people flying kites right now.

last night i didn't want to go to a coffee place to study. i had been at a starbucks earlier and had to change because i couldn't get the coffee smell off of me. i didn't want to go to the commons because i used to study there all the time. it depresses me. i went to the library, but it was way too quiet. i couldn't handle it. so, my friend courtney agreed to go to denny's with me. i don't know why i wanted to go to denny's. i just did.

it's actually not that bad. they don't allow smoking anymore; our waiter was friendly; i had cheese fries and a cherry bling drink; i studied hinduism terms and read on liberation theology; they played good music; and there were not too many people there. i won't be frequenting the joint, but it wasn't a bad experience.

this morning i went to a food safety class. the man's tone of voice was sad and put a lot of people to sleep. but i was amused by his outfit and his attempt to solicit responses from the crowd. there was this one older woman in the back who had taken the class before and knew all the answers. she annoyed him. he would say, "here's something you won't know. i'm going to teach you something new. how long do you think it takes before symptoms from a food borne disease appear?" the lady shouts from the back and the smile fades from the man's face. well, that's a good answer...

after a while he started directing his questions to her - "since you're the only one answering, anyway." aww. defeat.

my favorite part was when he asked for help with a demonstration. no one even raised their hand or spoke a word. we all just turned our heads to the back and watched her get up and walk to the front. it was understood. anyway, for the demonstration she had to wash her hands that had been contaminated by some chemical the man had. she washed her hands for a good minute. i think she washed them twice. she made sure there was nothing left on those babies, much to the dismay of the teacher.

daniel v. rocks!

2006-02-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

i just finished working at the greatest physics circus on earth! if that's not enough to inspire me to post a blog, i'm dead inside. i did get the shirt. i will gladly give it away to anyone who absolutely loves it, but not until after monday. i have to work the show again on monday.

who knew physics could be so much fun?

i think i did alright on the midterm. i felt comfortable with my answers. tomorrow is b&n day. and tonight? i think we all know what happens tonight...

hide away, soon you'll finely wonder, wonder to me

2006-02-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

my mood seems to be directly tied to the weather. this means that lately, most days, i would rather be in bed. all day long.

this morning as i had my cup of coffee at the tues. morning spot, a little boy wanted his mom to see the train, but she kept thinking he meant the rain. she couldn't see the train, but i could and i wanted to tell her. instead i kept reading.

i was pricked three times today. 1 - to see if i could donate blood (i couldn't) 2 - hepatitis a vaccination in my left arm 3 - hepatitis b vaccination in my right arm (4 if you count the stinging realization that someone may have better things to do than be my friend)

i have a test tomorrow. i don't want to study. it's almost 8 pm, and i have no idea what i would write about for possible essays. i've read all the material, listened and participated in class, and reviewed most of my notes. it's just a matter of getting my thoughts together. have i mentioned that i don't want to do it? if i didn't care about my grade, or doing my best, or not disappointing myself and my professor, i'd go to bed. i'm at the library, studying.

i'm thinking about giving up tv for lent. grey's anatomy? it's making me hesitate. that probably means i should do it.

i finished the oil chalk drawing i started last night. i really like it and want to frame it, but i keep thinking it may be a little lame and very vain to do that. maybe i'll give it away.

someone's cell phone just went off, playing la vie boheme. i was reminded of my friends ashley and meredith who were listening to it when i walked in on them studying today. then they dedicated different songs to me; the title of this post is from one of the songs they played.

motivation for friday?

2006-02-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

make it work, people.

my name is cupid valentino, the modern day cupid, and i just have one thing to say

2006-02-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

i didn't even think about it being valentine's day today until someone said something last night. after years of having nothing out of the ordinary to do on feb. 14th, i've gotten used to it being no big deal.

if you need some ideas on what to listen to today, i recommend the following albums - mostly because i can handle they way they talk about love.

andre's cd, the love below, even has a song called "happy valentine's day." i played it as soon as i woke up this morning. i know there's some things that may be considered vulgar on this cd, but with lyrics like "everybody needs someone to rub their shoulders and scratch their dandruff and everybody needs to quit actin hard and shit before you get your ass whooped and everybody needs somebody to love before its too late its too late..."

i mean, come on. this stuff's hilarious. if you don't want to take everything so serious today, listen to this.

i started listening to this album in the car today. i really like sheila nicholls. it's r&b-isque but kinda of ani difranco. something about her music makes me feel alright about listening to love songs on valentine's day.

"as the spice girls prostitute girl power in the background on tiny speakers, you smile in desperation..."

you're going to wonder now if i'm depressed since i'm recommending an elliot smith album, but alameda off his either/or album is one of my favorite songs. i will definitely listen to it before this day is done.

"if you're alone it must be you that wants to be apart"

and just in case you do need to yell, there's always shakira. if you don't understand spanish, trust me, she's mostly angry and bitter in these songs. this album came out before all her english ones, so i feel like its true to the shakira i like. plus, it's a live album.

"si te vas, si te vas, y me cambias por esa bruja, pedazo de cuero no vuelvas nunca más que no estaré aquí. toda escoba nueva siempre barre bien. luego vas a ver desgastadas las cerdas cuando las arrugas le corten la piel y la celulitis invada sus piernas. volverás desde tu infierno con el rabo entre los cuernos implorando una vez más. pero para ese entonces yo estaré un millón de noches lejos de esta enorme ciudad lejos de ti."

translation? "if you go, if you go, and change me, for that witch, piece of trash, don't comeback anymore, since i won't be here. all new brooms always sweep well, later you're going to see the bristles be gone, when her wrinkles fold her skin, and her cellulite covers her legs you'll comeback from your hell, with a tail between you horns, imploring one more time, but for that, then, i'll be here a million nights, far from this enormous city, far from you"

this morning i had my cup of coffe at olive branch were i always go on tues. morning. the girl who works said she wasn't feeling well. last night she went to a valentine's day costume party dressed as cupid. since she wasn't wearing a whole lot and going outside in the cold, she got sick. if cupid really is running around today, he's not very smart. the things people will do in the name of love. ah. valentine's. are you starting to get the idea of how i feel today? i will have a smile on my face all day long.

monday mornin' wasn't all i hoped it would be

2006-02-13T06:31:00.000-08:00

if i could bottle up all the milk i spilled at work yesterday (i'm not being figurative), you could all have yourselves a couple of full bowls of cereal. i made too many mistakes to even write about.

when i got home i was so tired i couldn't fall asleep. instead, i sat on the couch and watched part of girl, interrupted until my eyes didn't want to watch anymore. did you know there's a wilco song in that movie?

a new week. i'm already off to an awkward beginning. i woke up late (i know, shouldn't have watched the movie) and got to the library at ten after eight. my article was due at eight. it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but i also realized that i left my debit card in my shirt pocket. my work shirt. the one that gets put in the bin for the cleaners to pick up. i'm calling to see if there's anything that can be done about that. i may be making calls to the bank...

the song that won't get out of my head today

2006-02-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

i think we've all had moments when life seems insignificant and relationships, shallow. i'm trying really hard not to be a niebuhr follower, but there are some things he writes that i can't deny. mainly, that there's something lacking in everything we see. like the painful realization that what we need is just out of reach. so every song i hear now is being filtered through what i've been reading, and this morning when i heard this song, i couldn't stop listening to it. it has this hopeful sadness to it...

the dangling conversation by simon & garfunkel

it’s a still life water color, of a now late afternoon, as the sun shines through the curtained lace and shadows wash the room. and we sit and drink our coffee couched in our indifference. like shells upon the shore you can hear the ocean roar in the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs, the borders of our lives.

and you read your emily dickinson, and i my robert frost, and we note our place with bookmarkers that measure what we’ve lost. like a poem poorly written we are verses out of rhythm, couplets out of rhyme, in syncopated time and the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs are the borders of our lives.

yes we speak of things that matter, with words that must be said, “can analysis be worthwhile?” “is the theater really dead?” and how the room is softly faded and i only kiss your shadow, i cannot feel your hand, you’re a stranger now unto me lost in the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs in the borders of our lives.

thrift store finds

2006-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

the other day i ran into a friend at a store. he was looking for a pearl-snap shirt but had been having no luck. i suggested he visit some of our local thrift stores, and he looked at me very confused. would thrift stores have cool pearl-snap shirts? now, i am a girl who has shopped for years at second-hand stores. in high school, my dad would give me money for clothes with the demand that i buy at least one thing new. so, i was extremely surprised that a person would be unaware of the wonders of thrift-store shopping. i ranted off a list of places he could visit and sent him on his way.

yesterday, when my graceful friend courtney told me that a new post was long overdue, i decided i would share some of my most favorite possessions from these thrift stores that i have accumulated over the years.

1. a very cool velour adidas sweatshirt. the funny thing about this shirt is that when i am complimented on it, the person who gives the compliment ends up becoming a good friend. in my mind, everytime i wear this shirt i have the possibility of making another good friend.

2. boy's pokemon long-sleeved t-shirt. i wore this last night, actually. nothing says "i'm refusing to grow up" like this shirt.

3. navy winter coat. i'm always happy when i get to wear this and sad that it's rarely cold in texas. this morning it was 31 degrees. i wore my coat to my tues. morning coffee place. now it's in the backseat of my car because it's too warm to have on.

4. vintage dress. i've wore this like 4-5 times. a couple of times on saturday morning errands, once at a theme party that i threw, and once over jeans when my sister adriana picked out my outfit. i really like it. if i was gutsier, i'd wear it more often.

5. i found this semi-cowgirl shirt at a thrift store in austin. it was actually a little pricier than what i'm used to, but i was immediately drawn to it. it's been modified a bit - it used to have lace all the way up to the neck with frill at the top, but i cut it off because it made me feel way too little-house-on-the-prairie-ish.

6. a little cream comb with roses on it that i love to wear in my hair. when i found it, i decided i would try to find one at every thrift store and start collecting them. that hasn't worked out. so far it's the only comb i have.

there you have it. you should all visit thrift stores. great things await you.

weekend update

2006-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

i have so much reading to do for tomorrow. i have no idea where the time went. i'm only taking two classes, and i'm still doing things last minute. i played way too much this weekend.

my sister devina was in town. on fri. night we went to a birthday party. her perception was that a lot of my friends were "tanked." i don't know...i didn't feel like they were, but who's to argue with a perception? saturday morning we drove to san antonio for my cousin's baby shower. it was raining the whole way down, and i nearly wrecked on sI-35. i came as close the red suv in front me as i could possibly get without hitting it. the vision that came to my head? the brady bunch episode where marsha beats greg and proves she's the better driver because she got closer to the cone with the egg on it without breaking it. greg broke the egg. i didn't. i am marsha brady. see the logic there?

we drove back home after the shower. rushed to find something red to wear and went to a chinese new year party at the clay pot, where the premiere meal was the hot dog - since it's the year of the dog. now if there was a party were people were tanked - this was it. there had to have been at least 30 bottles of wine sitting out for people to sample. i met some interesting people, but i always wonder if they'd be just as interesting sober.

yesterday i did read some, but not enough. i felt like i had a productive day, though, because i worked from 9-4 and still managed to mail out my first round of support letters for the trip to india, make sesame green beans for our life group meal, and prepare to present my life story for the meeting. so, see, reading the 30 pages that i did read doesn't sound too bad.

post #40

2006-01-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

i've thought about posting the words to the wilco song that my blog gets its name from before, but i've never done it. i think that today (since i'm very tired and don't know what else to talk about) i'll do it. so here you go, ashes of american flags by wilco:

the cash machine is blue and green
for a hundred in twenties and a small service fee
i could spend three dollars and sixty-three cents
on diet coca-cola and unlit cigarettes

i wonder why we listen to poets
when nobody gives a
how hot and sorrowful this machine begs for luck

all my lies are always wishes

i know i would die if i could come back new

i want a good life with a nose for things
a fresh wind and bright sky to enjoy my suffering
a hole without a key
if i break my tongue
speaking of tomorrow how will it ever come

all my lies are always wishes

i know i would die if i could come back new

i'm down on my hands and knees every time the doorbell rings
i shake like a toothache when i hear myself sing

all my lies are always wishes

i know i would die if i could come back new

i would like to salute the ashes of the american flags
and all the falling leaves filling up shopping bags

no you're not hard-core, unless you live hard-core

2006-01-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

last night was not my shining night as a b&n barista. i sucked it up. i'm pretty sure i annoyed one of the boys working with me. the other guy was kind.

the never-ending line forced me to quickly learn how to multi-task. i started off just working the register, then went to making drinks. by the end of the night i was doing register and making drinks. i swept, mopped, cleaned out the trashcans, and threw out the mop water. as the new person i got the jobs my co-worker didn't want to do, but that's expected. the worst part was that i kept misunderstanding him. he told me to clean the inside of the trash bins and i took out the linings, threw out the trash, and cleaned out the insides of the trash cans. except he meant for me to clean out the inside of the door and the sides of the closet that the trash can was in. i was doing that kind of stuff all night. i told him i was amelia bedilia, but he wasn't hip enough to catch the reference. while i was taking out the trash, i overheard a lady and her husband (i assume) talking about chemistry. here's the conversation:

woman: so what do they mean by that? why is it like that?
man: let me read it again. "the negative charge of the electrons..." i don't know. i wish i could tell you the answer, but i can't.
me: are you studying chemistry?
woman: i guess that's what you would call it. we're not doing a very good job.
me: aw! i used to teach chemistry.
woman: really? well, come here. can you explain what this means?

then i went into a mini-lecture on polar molecules and the strength of bonds. she must've just started this course. it was intro material. nevertheless, i still felt compensated in some way. as if my ability to answer this chemistry question made up for the fact that i kept misinterpreting directions and continually asking how to make drinks. other than that, the only other brief moment of pride i experienced was at the end of the night when the guy working with me called me hard-core for throwing out the mop water on my own (most girls make him do it, he said).

my first job was a science lab assitant in college. after that i started teaching. then i was an educational specialist for lighted schools. now i work as a college advisor. i am not used to mopping floors and washing dishes, but it's been really good for me to experience this type of job. it definitely makes me wish i was nicer to my sister when she came home tired from waitressing.

spoken language and measured time

2006-01-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

i started my second job already. i am now an official employee of barnes and noble - the cafe. this means that part of my week has been taken over by a whole new language. tall, grande, venti? frap? non fat? two shots? this is my first job ever in customer service. i had to think about greeting the customer, asking if i could take their order. i tried to avoid saying, "can i help you?" it sounded stupid, but inevitably i found myself saying it without even thinking about it.

mistakes i've made so far? dropping a bagel, putting a goey cinnamon role in a bag (it should go in a plastic take-out container), serving decaf instead of the good stuff, forgetting to clean the espresso machine after pulling a shot, selling chips that were out of date, forgetting to ask if the customer had a membership card (if you ring them up and forget a manager has to come put in a code)...there's a lot to think about. still, the job's not as difficult as i thought it was going to be. and so far, i haven't had any rude customers.

i've been at waco high this week making presentations in the classrooms. i've been reminded of how rude an audience can be. well, to be fair, there was really only one class where i stopped early. i think i said something about being able to tell they weren't interested, so i'd leave and go to the next class. they couldn't have cared less.

i''ve also been reminded, though, of how much i miss teaching. i find myself torn between deciding whether i should try and find work in a church after i graduate, which is what i really want to do most of the time, or go back to teaching, which is something i know i like to do. i think i feel that if i choose teaching i will be restricted to texas, since that's the state i'm certified in. i don't want to be restricted. in my ideal plan, i will be able to go wherever i want after graduation. i suppose i'm too realisted to believe that restrictions won't exist. perhaps that's why i'm still clinging to the whole teaching bit.

visit the cafe tonight. i'm working until close.

nothing snazzy

2006-01-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

on tuesday i looked in the refrigerator and realized the only real thing i had to work with for lunch was an onion and some spinach we still had from the hunger farm. we haven't gotten vegetables from the hunger farm since before chirstmas break. though i had a nice meal of sauteed onions and spinach with linguine, i realized i had to go to the grocery store. for some reason, i don't really like to go to the grocery store for serious shopping by myself. when i lived on my own it was no big deal, but recently i've discovered that i will avoid the event at all costs. i'll go to the store for a few, quick things, but not full-out grocery shopping. heb is so crowded. people are rude. i never know what i want to buy. i guess it helps to endure those things if i have company. anyway, all this to say that during my outing i noticed a lot of couples shopping, and maybe it was because i was already thinking that it's a lot more fun to shop with someone else. but not all of them were happy. i saw like three or four couples where the wife was so rude to the husband. putting him down, bossying him around, complaining that he had gotten the wrong thing, griping about what kind of salad dressing he liked. i don't know if it's because women consider the grocery store to be their territory, where they know better, but geez, louise, be nice a little. when did it become acceptable for women to put down men like that? if a man had yelled at a woman, put down his wife, and bossed her around in a public place, i think people would've been talking. but all these women acted like it was completely normal for them to treat their husbands this way. so, for the record, i just want to say that it is not. it's not right to treat anyone that way. at the grocery store i was a coward. i didn't say anything or do anything (other than give an evil eye). but here on my blog, suddenly, i guess i wanted to say something.

my grocery shopping has been very beneficial, though. i haven't been out to eat all week. i've even started making my own coffee in the morning so that i wouldn't waste money on starbucks. someone even called me thrifty today as i ate my home-made lunch. or maybe it was me who told them i was thrifty. now i can't remember. dang it.

and in other news...my trip to india is coming up. we were told the trip would cost $4200. yikes. that's a lot of money. so i got another part time job. if any of you visit the b&n coffee shop next week, i may be working. i've started work on other things to get prepared for the trip. right now, it's consuming a lot of my thoughts, but i don't know how long that'll last.

tonight's courtney's birthday party. i'm going to leave work early to get some things ready for it. i made this cool disco ball that we saw in a magazine made out of a paper latern and cds. i should post a picture of it. i'll try to remember to take pictures tonight.

i would like to be you just for a few habit forming years

2006-01-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

i survived the i-term with enough desire to continue. it could've been disastrous. i could've finished the course tired, not wanting to begin my classes this semster, but it's not that bad. i'm in a frame of mind to start class. i'm determined to end my year at truett strong.

i woke up early this morning, got dressed for work, came to the computer lab to look up the books i need for class...it's my last full semester at truett. sometimes i get so excited i have to remind myself not to be too anxious. other times (like when friends ask me if i'll be moving or staying) it makes me really sad. i try not to let myself think about it too much - the future. for now, i'd rather enjoy my moments in waco, not giving thought to the fact that there's a chance i'll be moving away. it's difficult to not think about it, though. i just keep telling myself it's way too early to start. after all, i still have the trip to india before my august graduation. i wish i could be more of the kind of person who lives for the moment. though i have to say, i'm much better now than i used to be. thank god for change.

more pictures

2006-01-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

sonja, landon, me

jeff - who has no idea what amy is doing in the background

me, ashley, courtney, and amy - how sweet are we?

myles, me (i was actually surprised by how short i am. still, after all these years.)

quang and jay

jeff, ashley, and christy

new year's eve party photos

2006-01-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

this year, my roommates and i hosted a pajama new year's eve party. even though i was writing a paper most of the day, i had almost forgotten all about all the things i had to do before the third. at midnight i found myself surrounded by people i loved. it was the best new year's party i've ever been to.

i'm actually starting another paper today, but i wanted to post these pictures from the party - i guess i wanted to take pictures with everyone that night. we moved everything out of the dining room and made it look like a bed. we hung stars and lights on the ceiling, lit candles everywhere else, and served breakfast food. the only thing missing was my family.

me and christy

me and jeff (i look so tired - remember i was paper-writing all day)

here i am again, with amy

zach and amy - recently engaged

landon (who was wearing a robe earlier) and amy - caught by surprise

i'll post more pictures later.

with a rat-tat-tattle-um ho-dum-diddly-um hey it's time to take down the tree

2005-12-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

the other day, my sisters and i spoke about the things that made this christmas not feel like christmas. for me, the main thing was that i was reading books and articles on china the whole time. for my family, it was probably the fact that i was going around sharing newly-learned facts. did you know twice as many people shop at walmart everyday as live in switzerland? did you know that mao zedong had a campaign to wipe out the four pests - rats, flies, mosquitoes, and sparrows - and that he got the people of china to do crazy things to get rid of sparrows? with the birds gone, there was a surplus of locusts that led to an agricultural disaster and the great famine in 1960. who wouldn't have wanted me around this christmas? i was a walking encyclopedia article on china.

there were other things. we had the a/c on one day, and most of the days were considerably warm. yesterday felt like a summer morning.

nana thinks someone paid the stores to stop playing certain christmas songs like "my grown-up christmas list," and i only heard my favorite pop christmas song once this holiday season. that wasn't even when we were shopping, it was at a restaurant with friends. still, once i realized we hadn't heard it enough, i think i sang it enough times to make up for it.

last christmas, i gave you my heart. the very next day, you gave it away. this year, to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone special.

i'll bet he even does the same hand motions as i do. look how cool he is. how could he not?

and i'm leaving today because i haven't worked nearly as diligently as i should've. the empty house in waco should allow me an environment to get some stuff done. i think this is the earliest i've ever left during the christmas break.

but all of that stuff isn't really what makes christmas. that's why we didn't really realize they had been missing until much later. if the obvious, constant things that we are fortunately accustomed to had been gone - the good cheer, great love, reminders of salvation - we would definitely have noticed a change in our time together.

still, next year maybe we'll get to hear the grown-up christmas list song.

2005-12-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

i just finished translating for a co-worker at a parent luncheon. i had forgotten how much i really enjoy speaking with parents and helping them talk through issues related to their students. these parents genuinely care about their children and are desperately hoping to find someone who will listen to their frustrations and help them understand their child. i know i don't have children of my own, but i feel like four years in the high school and even more working with middle and high-schoolers lends me some credibility in this area. i was nervious at first that my vocabulary would escape me, but it was not too shabby.
_______________________________________________

last night i went with some friends to watch syriana. i took me about an hour into the movie before i finally understood how everything and everyone came together...the movie is only about two hours long: this company lost their drilling rights to china so they want to merge with this company who has a holding in kazakhstan. this man has to find some dirt on one of the companies, but not enough to keep the deal from happening. george clooney (who suddenly looks like he could be my dad) is being used as a pawn by the cia. the one prince who wants to break ties with the u.s. finds it impossible. in short, america's dealings in the global oil industry are CORRUPT. one of the best scenes is when this guy (with the committe to liberate iran and an oilman with one of the oil companies in the merger) talks with the lawyer. [i should've paid attention to names, i guess]:

he quotes milton friedman, a nobel prize winner: "corruption is government intrusion into market efficiencies in the form of regulation." his next line sets up the whole movie, "we have laws against it precisely so we can get away with it. corruption is our protection...corruption is why you and i are prancing around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the street. it's why we win."

the movie was interesting. it's intense but definitely worth watching. it's frustrating sometimes to know that so much corruption does exist and affects the lives of so many people. i generally don't want to spend time seeing something as depressing as this movie. corruption abounds. there's really nothing i can do about it. the american government makes life difficult even for those who are loyal to it. still, the movie addresses critical issues and allows you to ponder about things that matter. you should see it. take dad. he'd like it.

it was 525,600 hours long

2005-12-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

i fell asleep watching david letterman, woke up at 9. the only things on my to do list were emailing, blogging, paying tuition, and planning for christy's party tonight. most of those things i've already gotten done while at work and it's only a little after 1. being done with classes feels great. i'm giving myself two or three days of freedom before i start work for that i-term class.

i went to see rent last night. my friend and i were initially joined by three girls who sat in front and took pictures of themselves before the movie started. once it started, they gave it about 15 minutes and then walked out. we were the only two left in the theater. i was determined to stick it out, and so was my friend - though he with drooping eyes. it was a lot easier when i realized he wasn't enjoying the movie either. then i was free to make snide comments about how obvious the dialogue and lyrics were. i was pleased that he was happy to join me in the making fun. i thought the musical was supposed to be edgy and original. i'll only give two examples as reason for my disliking the movie, but keep in mind that these two reasons are good reflections of the whole movie. 1) when the boy with long hair sings, it doesn't really matter what type of song the cast is singing, the music behind him automatically turns into ballad rock. 2) when the girl on drugs almost dies, but is brought back to life because of the rock ballad song about her eyes, the first thing she says is, "i saw a warm, white light" - or something very similar. i had heard that the movie was sad, and it's true there are some sad events, but i could never take it seriously enough to find it to have any significance. i smirked through most of the movie and even took a break to use the bathroom (this is something i almost never do).

i know a bunch of you loved the movie, but i'm not budging on this. my disdain for the movie will remain forever.

tonight's activities appear to be more promising. it's christy's birthday. speaking of...i must go make our dinner reservations.

two down, one to go

2005-12-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

it's time to turn my thoughts away from old testament study and the history of the spread of christianity to a more literary and theological frame of mind. actually, my class on the gospel and the imagination coincided quite well with my old testament class. what i'm really trying to say is, that class is over. it's time to review everything dr. wood's ever said in class.

it's interesting to go back and think about everything i've learned this semester. yesterday, in my oral exam, which

sidenote: the experience of that was what i would imagine a wedding
day to be like. i prepared and studied for an embarrasing
amount of time, only to sit and talk for 20 min. about 5
of those minutes wasn't even really related to what i had
studied, but about my life and experience with the class.
it was nice, and hopefully a sign that my answer to the
test question was satisfactory, but, man. there was no
honeymoon afterwards.

but, my professor asked how my views of God had changed throughout the semester. then, she asked how i had changed. the answers to those kinds of questions are ones that i had thought about, but had not been made to articulate until that point. it was a nice moment of reflection for me. i surprised myself a little when i realized how influenced i had been the things i've read and the conversations i've had this semester.

my thoughts are preocuppied now with theological terms, flannery o'connor, karl barth, kalistos ware, george herbert, etc. all the wonderful people we've read. i know i've posted a poem by him before, but i'll post another today. this one is becoming one of my favorite herbert poems and is one i actually got to present in class. it's a mystery how one can find comfort in recognizing humanity's finitude.

Employment. (I)

IF as a flowre doth spread and die,
Thou wouldst extend me to some good,
Before I were by frosts extremitie
Nipt in the bud;

The sweetnesse and the praise were thine;
But the extension and the room,
Which in thy garland I should fill, were mine
At thy great doom.

For as thou dost impart thy grace,
The greater shall our glorie be.
The measure of our joyes is in this place,
The stuffe with thee.

Let me not languish then, and spend
A life as barren to thy praise,
As is the dust, to which that life doth tend,
But with delaies.

All things are busie; onely I
Neither bring hony with the bees,
Nor flowres to make that, nor the husbandrie
To water these.

I am no link of thy great chain,
But all my companie is a weed.
Lord place me in thy consort; give one strain
To my poore reed.

remember: i've not had much sleep...

2005-12-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

in light of recent events and my current state of mind, i've decided to give myself some reminders. if you're like me (that is, slightly prone to feeling lonely), consider these to be warnings. i can't believe that a few things could leave me feeling so lacking in companionship.

1. don't hang out with couples married for over 60 years or under 60 days; avoid the recently engaged, happily dating, or single obsessed with dating, marriage, and/or making-out.
2. don't visit the home of any single male who:
- owns his own home
- has a stable career
- makes his own furniture
- is a great host
even if there's no attraction beyond friendship, the encounter will make your mind wander to the subject you want to avoid.
3. don't be friendly to arrogant boys - they will mistake your kindness for flirtation [as though no woman could possibly resist them], and will respond by avoiding you in the hallways at school. while their behavior is a good reminder of how crappy (i decided to delete the expletive)boys can be - and consequently a source of comfort: who wants them?, it can also result in hurt feelings, which lead to added bitterness.
4. don't listen to louis armstrong, otis redding, polyphonic spree, yo la tengo, bjork, beatles, even elliot smith...avoid anything overly melodic or poetical.

INSTEAD:
1. answer every call from single girlfriends who won't laugh at your present condition, but who instead offer to be supportive company.
2. decide to be indifferent to any boy who doesn't know you well enough to accept genuine kindness.
3. sing aloud to shakira, sheila nichols, and ben folds five (mostly whatever & ever...). christmas carols are generally acceptable, though overly sentimental ones that make you have visions of your own children decorating the tree should, of course, be fast-forwarded.
4. most importantly - bundle yourself up well in this cold weather. being able to keep warm on your own reminds you that you don't need anyone's added body heat (with exception to those referred to in #1).

finals, schminals

2005-12-06T07:47:00.000-08:00

i've been studying for my oral final. thurs. 3:30. then friday, 8:00 AM, another. i have a lot i want to say, especially about last night...but i have no brain power or will. after mon. i will be done with finals. then i can start my reading for the i-term. i just found out what book i'm reading for my presentation: God and caesar in china: policy implications of church-state tensions. sounds pretty interesting.

it's sometimes better to laugh

2005-12-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

by 5:00 friday evening, i had a total of 8-10 hours of sleep - for the week. in the middle of writing three papers, a book review, class reading, working on the seminary journal (which may not be out in time, yikes), and work, there were some surprises. the paper-writing and stuff isn't that big of deal, really. i mean, i knew all along that was coming. but the heat going out in the house (making for extremely cold nights and lack of sleep), my alarm clock deciding to quit working (in the middle of the night), a stress induced fever blister, my neglecting to save a paper on the flash disk (i went to print it, but it was nowhere to be found), even the friendly people from school who randomly stopped to chat while i was working on my paper in the library (as they should, i'm not complianing about that - it's just not planned) - those things were unexpected. on thurs. morning when i, running late (remember the alarm clock?), discovered that i had no paper to print out for class, i thought about getting mad, maybe crying, but it seemed more appropriate to laugh. isn't this all really ridiculous sometimes? it's impossible to take myself so seriously, when at every turn i'm reminded that there are so many things i have no control over. i'm not talking about a tragic kind of ridiculous, where knowledge of my lack of control leads to complete apathy or depression. this is more a redemptive kind of ridiculous. where my finitude reminds me that there is something greater. Someone willing to listen to my complaints and help me place them in correct perspective. at 4 AM, on thurs. night/fri. morning when i was still in the library realizing i would have another night of minimal sleep, i was again frustrated with myself, and tired, moody. but having just finished peter devries the blood of the lamb before thanksgiving, all i could think about was wanting to throw at least half a pie in the face of the statue...and that made me laugh.

see, devina, if you had read the book over the holidays like i wanted you to, you would catch the allusion and appreciate my entry a lot more.

the strange boy also kept telling me i looked tired

2005-11-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

i finished my paper at 6 am, drove home, took a shower, and went to class. i was one of three or four people who had actually done the assigned reading (i think that's including the professor), so i answered as many of the questions as i could. i guess no one reads if a paper's due. i didn't know that rule. so close to graduating, too. i presented my book review. only, i forgot to bring the book to class with me so i had to go on memory to answer any questions. i think the professor had around 102 for me. then (finally) i turned in my blasted paper. it's actually not too shabby. a nice little history on the spread of christianity to the solomon islands. pretty interesting, actually.

yesterday i found out that i have another paper due tomorrow. not that big of a deal, the professor said. but he wants them well-written. looks like i may be in the library again.

and you know how i get when i'm tired. so silly i'm pretty sure if anyone was meeting me for the first time they'd refuse to ever talk to me again. i'm pretty annoying when i'm silly. i may have offended a couple of strangers already. one boy who i asked to quit singing in the computer lab at school, another who i asked to stop talking so loudly (well, he wasn't a stranger, but he asked me when i stopped loving him. so, i'm pretty sure from now on i'll treat him as though he is a stranger).

now i'm avoiding going to work because they have placed me in another woman's office who likes pink, inspirational sayings, and clutter. yesterday i sat in the chair with my books on my lap. i tried not to touch anything or look at anything for an extended period of time. after about an hour and a half, someone told me there was going to be a fire drill. so, i left. i wonder how long i'll last today?

i guess i should go to the pepto-bismol dungeon of encouragement.

for your listening pleasure

2005-11-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

i have got to finish my paper - i'm on page three now. three of 12-15. but in addition to my fun cd, i've also been listening to clips of feist. you should listen to them on kut and on all songs considered.here's another song from that site. that's all for today.

why everyone should love mix cds

2005-11-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

do you ever get tired of having to apologize? i'm not talking about the sorry-i-bumped-into-you apology. i'm not even thinking of the sorry-i-bumped-into-you-and-made-you-spill-hot-coffee-all-over-yourself apology. i mean the apologies you have to make for something that upon reflection was not at all accidental.

i feel like i've been working on it for most of my life now, but my impatience still always gets the better of me. it hurts people's feelings, it puts people off, and it is completely due to my feeling that my time is way more important than anyone else's. i hate when i have to apologize for being impatient. it makes me feel like all my work to remedy it has been done in vain.

i will never, though, tire of the graciousness of my friends who say things like what scott said last night after the apology - "oh. i understand. thanks for saying something about it." kindness like that cannot be forgotten.

so i have another week from gehenna! yeah! wednesday a book review and 12-15 page paper. thursday some essays to turn in as my contribution to the class final. friday another paper of 10 things i've learned in class and their significance (that i was supposed to be working on all semester long). this in addition to class reading (let's be honest, this is only going to be perused ten minutes before class). at least i'm ahead in my reading for dr. wood's class. i started my paper yesterday (1 page) and finished the book review last night.

you know what else i did last night? i made a mix cd of fun songs with happy memories to get me through the week and into finals. alright. quite begging. i'll tell you what's on it.

1. float on - modest mouse. i still have that small clip of us singing along to this song at the concert. then we booed them off the stage for stopping early. we are never satisfied.
2. underground - ben folds five. one of the first times i heard ben folds was hearing this song, and it's hilarious.
3. the late greats - wilco. it's fun, easy to sing and dance to. i'll never forget when we heard them play this song in concert - myles turned to me and said something like, "holy junk. i hate this song." and then sang along to every word like he loved it. by the way, every quote of myles that i have in my head contains the phrase "holy junk."
4. road to joy - bright eyes.
5. mr. excitement - they might be giants. "let it be known - they might be giants...dirty..."
6. haiti - arcade fire. i cannot hear this song without seeing her brilliant dance with the red gloves and high silver boots. i do try to imitate the dance.
7. why bother? - weezer. because if it's fun cd, it has to have a weezer song and almost every other song has been put on my other mix cds. besides, the song is fairly fitting for my circumstances.
8. house of bamboo - earl grant. this song is crazy silly.
9. someday - the strokes. "see alone we stand, together we fall apart..." "when we was young oh man did we have fun. always. always."
10. michael - franz ferdinand. who we watched on tv during thanksgiving and adriana laughed everytime he sang "this is what i am, i am a man so come and dance with me michael."
11. all you need in love - the beatles. "all together now..."
12. window - guster. i saw this song played live as my friend joann joined the boys on stage and played the violin part and i yelled stuff like "that's my friend!" from the audience. it was ridiculously fun.
13. gather in - john rueben. "i just wanna make the party people dance. i'll make no disclaimer about that."
14. they never got you - spoon.
15. ain't nothing like the real thing - marvin gaye. there's nothing like singing a duet by yourself.
16. to be young... - ryan adams. the first song he played when we saw him, and he was incredibly high.
17. oye como va - santana. reminds me of being awakened on saturday mornings as dad cleaned house with santana blaring. it's not a bad way to wake up, actually.
18. digging to hell - superfurry animals. i did say this week is from hell. this is a fun way to sing about it.
19. scientist - dandy warhols. it's funny because i used to say this to myself when i first started seminary and thought i was in over my head with all the theology and philosophy stuff, "i am a scientist." i think if i ever teach chemistry again it'll be a song i play for my students.
20. i am over it - dandy warhols. because it finishes the phrase that ends the song above, "let's see if we can do this is one toke...i mean, take," which i laugh at every time. anyway it seems a good song to end the cd.

it was therapeutic. i don't care if making it made me stay up longer finishing my book review. it was worth it.

all i can see is orange and white and white and red and play it to green

2005-11-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

( you gotta love the play on the wilco lyrics - no matter how much i overuse them)

two turkey-less meals, two free movies, one read book...thanksgiving is over. my family's home is proof.

today the scarecrow men went back into hiding. well, not quite yet, but they're waiting to be taken back into the attic. my dad's too intrigued by a show on the history channel about the presidency to take them. the fall decorations have graciously given up their spots to make room for the wreaths, poinsettias, snowmen, sleighs...

no. actually, there will never be enough room in the house for all the red, green, and gold my mom has acquired over the years. this morning she paid another visit to hobby lobby to buy more. our house is christmas madness tastefully done - for the most part. i did knock something off a wreath earlier and had difficulty putting it back. i didn't really know where it went since every spot on the greenery seemed to be taken. all the decoration were up in a matter of minutes.

i took pictures of the christmas decorations to post, but my parents' computer is wanting to test my patience, and i'm proving lacking in that discipline. so you won't get to see pictures of the nativity scene, the spread on the mantle, or the pretty ornament i made for the tree. but i would be denying you all great pleasure if i didn't take the time to post the most beautiful picture i took.

his name's chorizo, and i'm very sorry if you haven't been able to meet him. all my friends love him so much it makes me wonder if they come over to see me or him.

one of these days i'll have to tell the truth about chorizo, but not today. he's always stressed out and tired when we visit. i'll be kind to him.

maybe when i do that i'll also post a blog that's not full of nonsense.

tomorrow i'll be on the road listening to (and hopefully finishing) the jack kerouc novel on cd. maybe i'll have enough time to listen to my sister's bob schneider cd that i'm stealing. yeah, i know you won't miss it and would probably let me take it if i asked, but this way's more fun. so take that for doing you know what to me. you don't play fair at all.

just for the sake of posting

2005-11-21T08:53:00.000-08:00

there was a minimal amount of school work done this weekend. i wanted to read half of the book for the book review due after thanksgiving - i got halfway through chapter one. to be fair, there was a preface, and an introduction. i got some reading done for my first class after thanksgiving. i only have ten more pages of that left to read. the thing that's looming over my head is that damn research paper. i want it to be interesting and good, but i can not motivate myself to get it written.

i cleaned the house some and did laundry this weekend. it was very needed.

still in my rental car. the chevy aveo. check it out:

excecpt mine's black and there's no backdrop that beautiful in waco. ah, waco.

this morning i was cursing waco when i drove to pick up my friend pete to take him to school. at a four-way stop sign, the car that stopped after me didn't even pause to let me pass. it kept going, getting as close to me as possible and speeding up as soon as i cleared the path. waiting at the door for my friend (he apparantly woke up when i knocked on the door), i could smell marijuana coming from behind the stairs. i saw a man walk by. it wasn't even 8AM yet. i guess that kind of stuff happens in every town, i was just upset that it was happening behind my friend's apartment.

i don't know if i've told you about my latest obsession. i want to learn to airbrush. my friend fernando has been teaching me some about it. in fact, if you spoke with me about airbrushes: bottle feed, siphon feed, gravity feed, dual-action, needles, air compressors, etc., i'd be able to contribute some knowledge to the conversation. just don't ask me to paint anything yet. i'm supposed to experiment some with his airbrush, but i haven't had time. another drawback: it's a very expensive hobby. i should probably just stick to my canvasses and acrylics. but maybe one day, i'll be looking very cool, holding one of these in my hands at a flea market:

morning drive musings

2005-11-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

this is what i did on my way to school this morning - ok, maybe only during the last 2-3 minutes of the drive, but still...

if i had to chose a cd that reminded me of each season:

winter - rufus wainwright, want one
spring - wilco, yankee hotel fotrot
summer - belle&sebastian, boy with the arab strap
fall - (i've said this before)sun kil moon, ghosts of the great highway

what are your seasonal cds?

the second post today!

2005-11-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

i felt the need to say - george herbert is (was) a genius. it's difficult to believe that something as horrid as sin can be written about in a beautiful, redemptive way. read, reflect, repent...

Sin's Round

SORRY I am, my God, sorry I am,
That my offences course it in a ring.
My thoughts are working like a busy flame,
Until their cockatrice they hatch and bring:
And when they once have perfected their draughts,
My words take fire from my inflamed thoughts.

My words take fire fro m my inflamed thoughts,
Which spit it forth like the Sicilian hill.
They vent their wares, and pass them with their faults,
And by their breathing ventilate the ill.
But words suffice not, where are lewd intentions:
My hands do join to finish the inventions.

My hands do join to finish the inventions:
And so my sins ascend three stories high,
As Babel grew, before there were dissentions.
Let ill deeds loiter not: for they supply
New thoughts of sinning:
wherefore, to my shame,
Sorry I am, my God, sorry I am.

questions for yoder with some thoughts about my future

2005-11-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

i've been reading yoder - the politics of Jesus. i usually avoid talking about theological issues on my blog because i get so much of it at school, in my reading, in my writing. since i've started seminary, there is a rarely an issue that doesn't get analyzed in my head in a theological kind of way. it's not the purpose of my blog to find one more avenue for that. i think i would go mad if it were. having said that...i've been reading yoder.

today after our class discussion, i wasn't completely satisfied with how are discussion had ended. i asked my professor if i could ask a question. we sat down to talk, and my questions/frustrations/confusion led to a thirty minute discussion. i value yoder and his contribution to helping me understand the value of the church for action (subordinate action?) to contrast the injustices of our society. i have no issue with understanding the necessity of allowing myself to peacefully accept the role society has placed on me - within the community of the church, in mutual subjection. it's not easy to do, of course, but i have no problem with acknowledging that in light of Christ's life - in his emptying of himself and subjecting himself to the powers of the world to the point of death - it is the only way i can live. i have no problem saying it for myself. but what do i tell my hispanic friend who allows herself to be beaten by her boyfriend because her traditional, mexican upbringing has tended to place that type of subjective role within genders? what do i tell my friends who are children living with parents who ignore their valid emotions and concerns? yoder's words are great for the church community - where we can speak to both parties and demand mutual subordination. what do we do with christians who experience a role of subjugation enforced upon them by one who is outside the church? how in the world can i express my belief that we, as followers of Christ, should allow ourselves to peacefully accept that role? yet, if i say it for myself, i must believe it to be true for others. my position is not one that allows me to live a christian life in a different way from others. we are all mutually valuable. we are one in that aspect, even though we are called to live out different roles within society.

after speaking with me for some time on the issue, i came away knowing there was not an easy answer. i came away convinced that the only way i could find some clarity to my questions was in living within my church community - among those who are different from me, among the poor, among the undocumented, single woman who has no means of representing herself. the only way i can know how they should live out their lives as followers of Christ is by struggling with them and being with them as they ask the same question. it is not for me to have an answer. it is for us - as we live in church community - to begin figuring out.

the conversation ended with my professor saying things too kind and too embarrassing to repeat here. he wanted to know what i wanted to do after seminary and suggested some very challenging things i should look into. one leading to eventually becoming a senior pastor somewhere. he seemed so convinced that i would be able to do all of the many things he spoke of, and in my mind i wondered why he should be so impressed with me. i tell this part of my conversation with him only to say that i am so confused as to what i should do after i graduate. i have considered several non-profit organizations and schools, but i feel now, with some hesitation (it's hard to explain why), that my work must be done within a church community.

i felt like posting pictures

2005-11-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

ah. memories from happier days. actually, it was hot, dusty, physically draining. but back in september the papers and projects i have due next week didn't even seem to exist.

it's actually not too bad at all. i had a great weekend. you would think that the paper/project outlines still don't exist. though i did spend a lot of time this weekend in the library i also took some time to have some fun.

see, here's proof. it's courtney, christy, and me at a friend's birthday party. we were very silly. i'm afraid we may have scared some people.

and now to do some reading...

one more thing to waste time

2005-11-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

apparantly my future husband has aligned himself with the make trade fair organization. of course he has. no wonder i haven't heard from him. i guess he's too busy to propose.

click on the "join the big noise" link to the left and add your name to the petition while you're at the site.

stayed up way too late last night

2005-11-05T08:23:00.000-08:00

i have had the same four cds rotating in my car. this is not normal for me. i like to change things up. i try to avoid admitting that i can easily fall into routine and habit (apart from the spiritual disciplines). yesterday, i changed out cds and realized that out of all my cds, i reached for one i had just listened to the other day. i guess i get into my fall mood and listen to music that reminds me of fall. so, if you need some good, fall-driving music, listen to ryan adam's heartbreaker, ghosts of the great highway by sun kil moon, it still moves by my morning jacket, or the kgsr broadcasts compiliation 2005(?), vol. 2. even on the indian summer days, they make me think of fall.

a couple of my friends did this on their blog. i thought it was funny. the idea is to go to google and type in your name followed by the word "needs" and list the first ten results. 1. celina needs a man falling for her
2. celina needs a body guard
3. celina needs a home
4. celina needs some physical regime
5. celina needs the jobs and taxes and low-priced goods
6. celina needs major help
7. celina needs one team for ten-team pool tournament
8. celina needs a solo hit
9. celina needs a little more still to prove herself
10. celina needs a raise

you can't make that kind of stuff up. so, thanks to myles for helping me waste some time before i finish reading a book, catch up on reading for another class, write a paper, and write thank you letters for scholarships.

count the number of times i used the word "wrinkles"

2005-11-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting at my new study spot for the semester, beatnix - a locally owned coffee shop away from the baylor scene - with my new friend courtney - a marvelous new seminary student who helps lead the life group i attend. it's a nice way to end a day that has been consumed by me thinking about life, growing old, and death. i mean, it's nice to be reminded that in the midst of aging (and i realize i am far from old) there are still new things to be discovered.

to be honest, my thoughts on growing old started a while back when my roommate jen remarked that she was getting crow's feet. i made her explain to me what those were - the wrinkles on the side of your eyes from laughing/smiling/squinting. of course that started others talking about their recent discoveries of wrinkles until i asked that the conversation stop. what bothered me (and i voiced my opinion, of course)was that they were not speaking of aging in the "sure i have wrinkles but it's all worth it" kind of way. they were lamenting growing old, and i couldn't handle it.

with all the happenings of the week - there was a lot. i found myself grateful for the things i've learned with time. not that there are things we can always be prepared for, but it helps to have perspective. i know it brings wrinkles, tired bones after a night of too much dancing, nights spent wondering where the time has gone - i'll admit it brings some things worthy of lament. but, there are good things that i would not give up, even if it meant foregoing the wrinkles. [to clarify, i really don't have wrinkles.]

and with my strawberry cremosa and half a cinnamon scone i shared with courtney, i'm grateful for the things that keep life fresh.

ding-dong the wedding bells have rung

2005-10-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

the wedding this weekend was a huge racket. i guess for the most part i heard the enjoyable chimes of the wedding bells. i was extremely happy for my two friends, admirous of their commitment to one another, encouraged by their willingness to begin a life together... and then there were times when an awareness of all the other emotions in the crowd kept me very confused. sometimes people seemed sad, definitely tired, depressed, anxious, busy. there were a lot of times during the weekend that i had no idea what to do, so i found a seat and stayed seated until someone called me to do something. weddings are a little annoying, to be honest. i've spent so much money on friends who have married. i've spent countless hours helping prepare things, buying gifts and dresses, traveling - whatever. the novelty is definitely wearing. in fact, when the moment came to catch the flowers, i, sin verguenza, refused. i sat down and was adamant in my refusal. i think it's been almost ten years of being forced to stand with the crowd to make it look like there's an adequate representation of single girls. this time i wasn't going to let it happen. i don't have to go in to how degrading the whole act is. you all know.

it was exhausting, but there were moments of sweetness. being able to be with friends was the best part of it all. after the wedding, those of us who found ourselves left as singles walked to a great restaurant and enjoyed a fine meal together. we stayed up late that night as scottie switched the channels between the first world series game and the baylor football game. marriages are sweet, but i am so utterly content with my single life that i almost loathe those moments when i feel as though i'd be happier married.

i have decided, though, that most of how i feel is due to the fact that i have great friends in waco. i'm starting to believe that the true beauty in marriage lies in the instant, permanent companionship that comes with it - not necessarily the passion and romance (though that is a part of it all). i do wonder what will happen if i find myself suddenly without my friends. will i wish i had married someone to be a constant companion?

i've been listening to "on the road" by jack kerouac on cd. it's the best thing to listen to while i'm driving, with the descriptions of the scenery and talk about traveling. i had taken a break from it a couple of weeks ago, but after the wedding i decided i should listen to it again. i put on the next cd this morning and in the first chapter on the cd, i hear matt dillon read: "I want to marry a girl," I told them, "so I can rest my soul with her till we both get old. This can't go on all the time—all this franticness and jumping around. We've got to go some place, find something."

great.

then my fall break will begin!

2005-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

after my 10:30 class today, i realized that i had inadvertently committed myself to four different things for lunch - covenant group (always scheduled at lunch on thurs.), an interest meeting for the trip to india, a meeting for the editorial board of the journal, and lunch with my friend chris (in for his wedding this weekend). i chose to go to the interest meeting and call my friend to tell him i'd be a little late. i think my covenant group chose not to meet, but i'll probably receive some type of scolding for missing the journal meeting.

after lunch, i decided i wouldn't go to work. the make up taas testing has been leaving me without appointments. then, i remembered i had to give a presentation at waco high over the new sat. so now i'm at the office looking over the presentation and getting what i need. my fall break won't officially start until 5:30 - but i'm free tomorrow! no class. no work. i plan to clean the house, start some research (much delayed), and relax as i read. maybe i'll get ahead.

i think those aspirations may be too high. there is, after all, a wedding in town this weekend. i will be a groomswoman in a black strapless dress. i am sure to be awkward and unknowing of what role to play, exactly. the two things are situations i've never really found myself in before - 1)standing on the grooms side, 2)wearing a strapless dress. but none of that really matters when two dear friends are forming a beautiful union of companionship, love, mutual responsibility - all the stuff that forces me to find marriage quite admirable. Not necessarily desirable, but certainly admirable. maybe my attitude will be changed after the ceremony.

when i'm bold...

2005-10-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

i have been given some relief for the week. i had two midterms this week in my hardest classes. for my scriptures 1 class i studies an absurd amount of hours, neglecting the essay that was supposed to be due today for my midterm in gospel and the imagination. in between memorizing the lineage from abraham to moses, i gathered my thoughts on how to synthesize the works of karl barth, kallistos ware, flannery o'connor. i had spent a lot of time thinking about what theme i wanted to write on and spent a good amount of time thinking of a good title, intro, and conclusion. on tuesday, i started writing and began stressing out. there was no way the paper could be as good as i wanted it to be by thurs. i decided to do something i've never done - ask the professor to consider an extension.

it's crazy because he has the reputation of being one of the hardest, no nonsense professors; yet, i was willing to call him up and ask him if he would consider allowing the class to turn in the paper next tuesday instead of thursday. the thing that made me start thinking about asking was that in class, he made the mistake of saying that our tests were due on tuesday (two class periods from then). then, at the end of class, we discovered that he had the days mistaken and that he really wanted our essays on thursday (next class). i decided to call his grad asst. to ask him what he thought about my asking for an extension. instead, the professor answered. i clumsily asked about his policy for giving extensions. "not good, celina. not good." is what he said. "ok. that's what i needed to know. thank you." i said.

the next day i had spent a considerable amount of time on the paper, after taking my midterm, and decided to go home and take a shower. the idea was that i could take a shower now and spend the night in the library working. when i came out of the shower i saw that i had missed three calls from a friend in our class. when i returned the call, he asked me if i had read the email. our professor had given us an extension! i was so glad; i wanted to call everyone and let them know.

don't worry. i voiced a prayer of gratitude and prayed that my friends (who are just as swamped as i am) would receive the same type of kindness and grace from their professors.

now, i have more to do this weekend, but it will definitely be worth it.

i also started my job at waco high this week. i have a computer in my office with internet. that should explain why i'm posting...

2005-10-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

two midterms this coming week- dr. ngan's scriptures 1 on wednesday and dr. wood's gospel and the imagination due on thurs. it's a paper. i slept in until almost 9 today and am now at the library wasting time and calling it studying.

yesterday i made vegetable soup. i didn't mean to, but i ended up making a lot of vegetable soup. i invited many people to come eat, but we only managed to eat one of the two pots. i will be having soup for another week. if any would like some...

when i was taking out the trash yesterday, i saw a man outside the hospital in those dark green/almost turqouise scrubs talking on the phone. no doubt the sucky signal you get in the hospital had sent him out to make the call. "she has a full head of red hair!" he said with a huge grin on his face that i could see from our driveway. i know i've mentioned before how much i enjoy living by the hospital. i will miss these kinds of moments if we ever really do move.

did you watch u2 on conan the other night? they were funny. on oct. 13th, my morning jacket is going to be on. they're on tour and are going to be in texas in november. oh! guess who else is going to be in texas? ben folds! i really want to see him. on november 20th he'll be in austin at the bass concert hall. tickets went on sale yesterday but they're hard to get. it's through the student events center at austin and i can't find how to order them online. it's the weekend before thanksgiving holiday. it may be easier to see them in dallas at the nokia stadium. those tickets you can buy online. anyway, we can't forget to watch the new austin city limits on pbs. ben folds is on oct. 29th.

acl - day three

2005-10-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

i think i've lost my gusto for writing about acl. i think i've lost my gusto. i'm not even sure if that's really the word i'm looking for (gusto), but it's almost one in the morning, i've just finished my outline for class tomorrow, and i have about ten chapters of the bible left to read.

let me just say that on day three it was stinking hot. it was worse than any day i could remember last year. jen and i made it to the very front of the crowd - there was no way of getting any closer lawfully. i saw eisley, a cute young band that could stand to get a few more practices in before the next performance. then, i heard doves for the first time. they were really great. they definitely set the tone for the next concerts i would see - arcade fire, wilco, tortoise - they were all phenomenal and worth missing coldplay to hear.

jen and i made friends with the people around us and were repeatedly asked if we were from austin. i took the question as a great compliment. i don't think jen was as honored. i also saw an ex-student. this is really crazy - i see him almost every time i'm in austin. he was one of my first students in the first spanish class i ever taught. he is now a spanish major at ut austin. what am i doing squandering my life at the library? i should be out inspiring more young minds to embrace the world of languages...

acl - day two

2005-09-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

jen and i woke up early to meet my cousin dawn at trudy's - a good austinian place for brunch, she said. after my breakfast taco of egg and potato, i was ready to see some shows. i decided to forgo the stage jumping of the day before and camped out at the cingular stage for jet and oasis. jen and i positioned ourselves on the second or third row

kathleen edwards was up first. the announcer came and said that because of traveling conditions due to the hurricane, kathleen edwards was not coming. instead, we heard deadboy & the elephantman. they weren't bad. they held my attention for the most part, but i don't know that i would have set out to see them if i had heard them before. after them, i was able to hear a band i have wanted to see for a long time. built to spill did not disappoint me. they only played a couple of songs i knew, but i really enjoyed the concert. if you haven't heard them, you should definitely listen to some of their music. i realized after i had to endure death cab for cutie that what i appreciate most about built to spill is their courage to be bold and unique in their music. death cab was so BORING! and their fans were even more annoying. to my left was a drunk 18 yr. old yelling to a cute girl across the way that he wanted "to be on" her and quoting napoleon dynamite lines, behind me was a girl really wanting to get past me. "i'm so sorry. i feel so bad," she said with a smile on her face, "i'm just so short. everyone's been letting me get in front of them." i looked at her and told her she was just about the same size as me, so she should be fine behind me. the smile disappeared from her face. later she tricked some guys into letting her get in front of them by saying she was just going to take a picture, but she never moved back. i told her it was rude to lie like that. she looked at me scared - her eyes got really big. i was happy, though, that i didn't have to listen to her sing loudly and off-key behind me. the members of death cab are talented musicians, they're just doing the same thing. it was nothing new, and they just stood there and played. no energy, no interaction, no passion. their lack of enjoyment made me wish i was anywhere else, but i had to wait out for jet and oasis.

after the death cab show, people started pushing in like their lives depended on being as close to the stage as possible. i found myself wedged between lots of people yelling, "hey! wait! don't push! we still have an hour before the next concert!" but they're weren't hearing any of it. i used my best skills to endure. i stuck out my elbows, pushed back, yelled, but nothing helped. it was the hottest and most uncomfortable i have ever been. i told myself that i could leave or stay, but either way i wasn't going to see oasis because if i stayed i was going to die. as soon as i announced i was leaving, people backed up off me, eager for my spot. by this point jen had already left, so i called her and found her at the capital metro stage. by the time i reached her, i had chastised myself for not being able to hang with the other concert goers and had spilled water on the ground, splashing the newly formed mud all over my feet and pants. jen was sitting pretty under some shade on bleachers. the capital metro stage had a covering and places for people to sit. the dirty dozen brass band was playing, there was a lot of room, people were dancing and having a good time. i was in a different world - away from the disgruntled, angry at the world fans who were too cool to show that they actually enjoyed the music. i cleaned my feet, hands, and face and voiced how grateful i was to be gone from the other stage. after the brass band we explored the merchant booths. we bought a gift for our roommate (who was watching our dogs)and i purchased a necklace (which i'm wearing today!).

we went back to the capital metro stage to watch zap mama and eat our avocado wraps. zap mama was amazing. sounds from all over the world seemed to emerge from her band and were supported by her energetic voice and performance. everyone was dancing and enjoying themselves. they actually tried to get her to come back out after she ended (i've never seen a crowd try that at acl), but the stage crew came out and started tearing down the sound equipment.

jen wanted to try and buy a zap mama cd so we went to the waterloo store to see how much it was. during that time, i watched a little of oasis on the big screen from far away. they sounded good, and i was a little sad that i was missing it from my original second row viewing area, but i went home content.

we met zach and amy at their house were they had hot, vegetarian pizza awaiting us. they were such gracious hosts. we sat around and talked and shared stories of the day. it was a good way to end what could've been a bad day.

acl - day one

2005-09-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

austin was hot. hurricane rita didn't bring us any breezes or rain. by saturday evening i was wishing it would rain just enough to pack down the dust. i kept thinking my glasses were dirty, but really it was a cloud of dust that followed us everywhere we went. dust was all over my body, sticking to the sweat, forming mud. it was great.

on friday, jen and i left around 12:30 and went straight to downtown austin to catch the shuttle to zilker park. we got there around 3:30 - in time to watch mates of state. we had a pretty decent viewing area. there were not a lot of people there, and it made me really excited. if the rest of the week was like this, i thought, we can hop from stage to stage and see everyone we want close up. jen and i tested the theory by leaving the stage to see lucinda williams. we left her a little early to treck back to the amd stage to hear spoon. i have always wanted to see them, and i was not disappointed. they put on a good show. most of the songs were from their new album, gimme fiction. they played the song i wanted to hear the most (the way we get by), so i was very excited. we decided to listen to blues traveler after spoon. they were amazing. high energy, good music, lots of fun. the sounds john popper can make with a harmonica are unbelievable. for a couple of songs, they had a brass trio play along. i promise his harmonica sounded like a trumpet. he also makes interesting sounds by getting close to the amp as he plays. their music was more busy than i remember from radio play, but i figured it was probably because it was live. they played their hits along with new songs. it was without a doubt my favorite concert that night. after them, we decided to see if we could hear lyle lovett. there was a huge crowd, though, and i wasn't excited enough to try and make my way to the front. the stage was by the festival and waterloo store, so we decided to look around as we heard lyle play and watched him on the big screen. i bought some stickers - one for me, two for my sisters. we tried to buy koozies for two of our friends, but they were sold out.

by that point, we were really tired and hungry, so we left. i think it took us like twelve minutes that night to get downtown by shuttle. the lines were so short on friday. we decided to eat at the original kirby lane on kirby lane. we got directions from a man in front of us as we walked to catch the shuttle. as soon as we got to the restaurant, i waited in line for the bathroom, cleaned by hands, feet, and face and was ready to eat. the queso at kirby lane is some of the best i've ever tasted. jen had been craving it since the moment we had decided to go there. so, while she was in the bathroom, i ordered some. i ordered migas and jen had some spinach quiche stuff with potatoes.

we stayed the night with some of our friends who had just recently moved into a new apartment. they had no furniture, but the place was clean and cool and they were happy for us to stay with them. it's so nice to be able to stay somewhere where you don't feel like an inconvenience. zach and amy were kind and hospitable. even though all they had in their place was a mattress on a floor, some food and drinks, and bathing necessities, they were willing to share and give of whatever they had. when we arrived, they were both asleep, but amy got up, let us in, and talked with us for a while before we both went to bed. i slept so well that night, even though i was on the floor. i set my alarm for 7:30 because we had decided to have breakfast with a cousin of mine the next morning at 9:00. i don't even remember when i fell asleep. it must've been right when my head met the pillow.

i'm off to eat lunch now and get some reading done that i didn't do this weekend. i'll finish off the week later.

you should be jealous: i spend all my nights at the library

2005-09-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

as if you weren't jealous enough of my brilliance and beauty (just in case anyone is reading who doesn't really know me - that's an obvious joke)...check out the names of bands i have the possibility to see this weekend at the austin city limits fesitval.

Coldplay
Widespread Panic
Oasis
The Black Crowes
The Allman Brothers Band
Wilco
Roky Erickson & The Explosives
Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Lyle Lovett & his Large Band
John Prine
Lucinda Williams
Buddy Guy
Jet
Dierks Bentley
Thievery Corporation
Arcade Fire
Death Cab for Cutie
Bob Mould Band
Built to Spill
Bloc Party
Steve Earle & The Dukes
Blues Traveler
Franz Ferdinand
Gov't Mule
Drive-By Truckers
Kasabian
Zap Mama
Robert Earl Keen
Keane
Tortoise
Doves
The Black Keys
Kaiser Chiefs
Leo Kottke & Mike Gordon
The Walkmen
Jason Mraz
Rilo Kiley
Spoon
The Decemberists
The Bravery
Eisley
Blue October
Grupo Fantasma
Kermit Ruffins
The Dirty Dozen Brass Band
Bettye La Vette
Rev. Dan Willis & The All Nations Choir
Morgan Heritage
Ricardo Lemvo & Makina Loca
Ruthie Foster
deSol
The Frames
Mates of State
Mindy Smith
Martin Sexton
The Fiery Furnaces
Aterciopelados
Kathleen Edwards
Asleep at the Wheel
M83
Tegan and Sara Mike Doughty's Band
Split Lip Rayfield
Rachael Yamagata
Bobby Bare Jr.
Mofro
The Ditty Bops
The New Amsterdams
Ambulance Ltd
Slightly Stoopid
dios (malos)
Brave Combo
Aqualung
Dave Alvin & The Guilty Men
John Butler Trio
Bruce Robison
Missy Higgins
Nine Black Alps
Kevin Fowler
Jack Ingram
Cory Morrow
Grady
The Weary Boys
Wayne “The Train” Hancock
Monte Warden
Zykos
Soundteam
Asylum Street Spankers
Pong
Oliver Future
The Real Heroes
Bukka Allen
Hairy Apes BMX
Nic Armstrong & The Thieves
The Lost Trailers
The Gospel Stars
Donna The Buffalo
The Shields of Faith
Star Kids Yoga
The Jones Family Singers
South Austin Jug Band
The Lighthouse Singers
Kacy Crowley
Casey McPherson
Tristan Prettyman
The Massacoustics
Joe McDermott
Sara Hickman
Anthropos
The Palm Elementary School Choir
Lucas Miller
Imagination Movers
Free Sõl
Jeff Black
KJAE
Austin Hartley-Leonard
Maneja Beto
Austin Collins Band
The Biscuit Brothers
Naturally Seven
Patrick Davis
Kelley Hunt
Kate York
The Experiment Experience

and now i'm off to try and outline a chapter for tomorrow in time to hang out a little bit with friends. we'll see if it actually happens.

i'm older than i've ever been and now i'm even older

2005-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

i remember loving to be outside in the rain when i was younger. once mom bought us all umbrellas that were clear with a pink stripe along the edge and a picture of a popular cartoon dog. i can't remember the name of the dog. we would take our umbrellas outside and enjoy sitting in the rain. when i was in high school and it rained, it was a bit of a drag. our school had the crappiest drainage system and small ponds would form everywhere. still, i liked it. in college rain didn't keep us away from football games. once my friends and i had traveled to see a game and were not expecting the rain, so we went to a store and bought trash bags to wear. we stayed the whole time at the game, and it rained practically the whole time.

so. why is it that now, as a 28 yr. old, i dread having to go out in the rain? when was the switch turned? last saturday one of my friends had free tickets to the baylor game. a little bit before i left the house to meet up with everyone, it started raining. i really didn't want to go. i don't know why. i just could not get myself excited about standing in the rain or getting wet. walking through the wet grass and mud annoyed me. i think i even made some comment about how my body wasn't made to live through those kind of conditions. i don't know if the word for what i've become is prissy, or just...old.

the following monday i went to a benefit show for the katrina victims at the hippodrome. one of the bands that played was pretty loud and very rockin'. the older people in the audience immediately, as if by instinct, put their fingers to their ears and only took them off between songs. it made me wonder - did they ever like loud music? did they go to concerts when they were younger and hate it now that they're older? will i do that when i'm their age? so, i asked one of them. a professor from school was there with his wife, and they, following suit, kept their fingers to their ears the whole time. i asked them the questions i had been wondering and they told me that they never like loud music. not only that, they weren't used to hearing loud music, so it was a shock and discomfort. the professor told me that as he's aged background noises become louder, so he had become more sensitive to the feedback and background noise of music. neither one of them appreciated the fact that they could not hear one another over the noise.

it was good information. it was what i wanted to hear. so maybe, i asked, when i'm older i'll still like loud music because i like it now? the answer was supplied by my roommate jen - sure. you'll like it. it won't be loud to you. you won't be able to hear. we'll be deaf from all the loud concerts we've been to.

nice. must remember to take earplugs to acl next weekend. the fact that i care about losing my hearing at the concerts - does that make me responsible, or just...old?

i shouldn't have bothered

2005-09-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

yesterday i finally got back the paper i had worked so long on. this is how class began - the professor mentions that he saw an ex-student in the hallway who stopped and asked him if he was on his way to inflict more pain. that was the professors segway into the discussion of our papers. i won't go into all the details, but he's offering us a rewrite. looks like i'll get to spend some more days working on it.

today is a crazy day. i didn't get much sleep last night. i had a presentation in class this morning and some reading to get done for another. tonight's the first public amnesty international meeting here in waco, so i've been getting things ready for that. after that there's a service for events related to the ONE campaign. in between these things i'll be reading a short story by flannery o'connor for class tomorrow.

i'm not bitter by the minus 5:

when someone wants me to listen, i can't
if i'm supposed to do something, i won't
it's hard to tell if i can get along
but i'm not bitter
i'm not bitter
not at all
just a lot

i walk around the block to avoid you
and that's when I'm in a social mood
it's just my head that hurts me right now
but i'm not bitter
i'm not bitter
not at all
just a lot

it doesn't make much sense to blame you
for the wreck my life's become

bitterness is reserved for stupid people
not for someone intelligent like me
i don't have time to feel that way
i do things backwards when i say
that i'm not bitter
i'm not bitter
i'm not bitter
i'm not bitter
not at all
just a lot

tv night was lonely

2005-09-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

i have a confession to make. do you like it when my blog starts out that way or does it make you wonder if you want to read any further? don't worry, it's not anything major. it is, however, embarrassing: i've gotten into the ugly habit of watching sex and the city. i'm like carrie and her smoking. my roommate sonja is the older high schooler who tempted me under the tree. i am the greg brady who gave in. do you remember that episode of brady brunch? isn't it greg who smokes and peter sees him? anyway, that's me.

i don't necessarily like the abundance of sex talk in the show, but the story lines get me. i don't know if you've seen this show(and i'm pretty sure i'm really late in joining the conversation about it), but the women on the show are crazy about sex. my roommates and i sit around and constantly wonder if women really do have sex as frequently as they do. i wonder if i could ever be friends with women like them. if i were a little less stable i'd say i've already become friends with the women on the show, but it hasn't gotten to that level of obsession yet. the funny thing is that they constantly stress that you should not/can not judge them because of the amount of sex they're having, but they're always making fun of the one character who is supposed to be the more inhibited one. whatever. they'd laugh me out of the cafe and refuse to drink a cosmopolitan with me if they knew my story.

sonja actually limits the shows we watch, which is good. today after the second episode she cut me off with the promise of more later. those session things on dvd are going to be my downfall. remember this summer with freaks and geeks? if i ever decide to live like a hermit it won't be because of some deep spiritual silence of st. thomas thing. it'll be because someone has supplied me with unlimited sessions of different shows on dvd.

i'm sure you care a lot about my tv show obsessions. i don't know why i feel compelled to share them.

i am missing home a lot lately. i'm looking forward to thanksgiving. ac or not, i'm driving home. please have the tofu turkey ready.

again - i'm ending the entry with a song. it'll be my new thing. to draw in the readers, you know? except this one may repel more than attract because it's by dashboard confessional. the pixies-lover-nose-in-book-bullring-in-nose girl would despise me right now. it's so fitting, though. you already know what it's going to be, i know. ladies, i give you road rules apply. i mean, shirts and gloves - i was corrected, see comments - but only the lyrics that are applicaple. i cheat like that:

well i'm back from the road,
and you're out on it,
and i'm tired of this distance...
i'm waiting

and this phone tag game is endless,
the novelty is wearing,
i'm hoping time will pass,
without any assistance or convincing

road rules apply,
there's so much action
you're getting busy,
so i'll call you're cellular phone,
to tell you tv night was,
lonely without you,
and so am I,
so am I

it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

so many high points on this last leg,
i can't wait to recount them,
it seems like nothing's happened until i've shared them with you,

and road rules apply
there's so much action
i'm getting busy,
so make sure that I'm up to date on tv night,
i hate to miss out,
i think I miss you most,i
on wednesdays and saturdays,
seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

i'm back on my grind

2005-09-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

tonight i want to relax. i want to sit at the clay pot with a couple of bottles of wine, some close friends, and exert the minimal amount of energy needed to eat, laugh, speak, and hear great stories. then i want to go home, lay in bed, and find myself grateful for the life i have. not stressed. not overwhelmed. not too busy. not too tired. not with too much to do tomorrow. not spent. only grateful.

the reality of my course work demands that i spend every free minute with my nose in a book. my interests pull me away to work in other issues that i'm passionate about. everyone is just as busy. but if i spend my time thinking about it all, wondering all the time how/when it will get done, i'll go mad.

so, for my sister adriana who loves kanye west and is one of the few (only?) who read my blog, i'll close out with the chorus from his song "this way." i think you'll easily see why it summarizes my thoughts:

this time i made up my mind
this time i'm back on my grind
i know there's things in my life
that i'ma let go startin tonight
(i can't live my, i, i can't live my)
(i can't live my, i, i can't live my)
i can't live my, i, i can't live my
i can't live my this way (can't live my, i, i can't live my)
this way (i can't live my, i, i can't live my)
this way, i can't live my, i, i can't live my
i can't live my life this way

single and satisfied?

2005-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

i should be reading, but starting a new blog has given me something fun to do. does the page look more homey now? not as in gangsta' homey, but, you know.

i still have not received my paper from my class, but today we were told we would have them by tuesday. i had to exegete a poem today. i think it went well.

i've been spending a lot of time in the library, which - don't get me started. don't even get me started - has become my hell away from home. it's not that i despise my classwork, i really enjoy it. in fact, reading and studying the reprisal by george herbert was very enjoyable. it made me wish i had more opportunity to pursue literary studies, but it's so time consuming. it's a task that is never ending. i do wish i could stay at home and read. yesterday i attempted to and ended up sitting on the couch watching a movie with my roommate. i finally made myself leave, mid movie, to go to the library.

at the library, there are always friends and that makes the time spent much more enjoyable. yesterday, my friend christy and i were speaking when we were interrupted by another friend (a male) who asked something like, "isn't that right, christy?" assuming that we had been listening to his conversation with our other friend, he interrupted our own in an effort to be supported in his claim that it is possible to be "single and satisfied." once the question was clarified, "aren't you single and satisfied?", my friend responded with a "yeah" that was lacking in credibility. he was surprised, so i clarified - sometimes it's enough, even great, but single life has its moments. we're satisfied, it just depends on when you ask.

christy and i then went on to make our jokes about the whole matter, which will not be repeated here (or anywhere else - right, christy?). i drove home wondering if i was really satisfied or if i just always lied when i said i was. my conclusion brought me to a moment of extreme gratitude for my faith in God.

the truth is that i do sometimes find myself lonely. i am not always satisfied when i grocery shop alone, watch a movie alone, drive with the windows down listening to a great song alone, laugh at the surprisingly funny things i see while walking around campus alone. there are times when i wish i had someone beside me, perhaps holding my hand, who would say, "did you see that?" then i'd simply say, "yeah." and we'd laugh until we stopped at our expected destination. it seems like such a simple request. why is it so difficult to have?

at the height of my frustration, i was reminded of the great community i have with my family, friends at school, work, and church, and, of course, with God. i wasn't alone at all. i hope that i will arrive at this conclusion as quickly the next time i encounter a moment of weakness, but who knows? last night i was grateful in that moment. with windows down, i cranked up the song playing: "if you fall will you get up? stuck in a dream will you wake up? if you find love will you hold on to it?" and drove my satisfied self home.

one of three

2005-09-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

i made a vow. i told myself that the next time i had trouble viewing my blog at blogpod, i would leave it for good. yesterday i couldn't post, so here i am starting my third online blog. the other two have been abandoned for good reason.

there's not much time to make a decent posting now, but this is good for starts. i hope it's not too much trouble for you to make the switch to read.