upon rereading, this post makes me sound depressed

i think i've hit a cement block with my writing. i can't do it. everyday i open this blog page and click on "create a new post." i stare at the screen, check email, do work...anything but write. i have a reflection paper to write over my time in india. it's due pretty soon, but i haven't been motivated to do it. i have a journal overflowing with things i wrote while in india, but now my mind feels dry. maybe every thought sweated off in india. do you ever feel like you have absolutely nothing interesting to say?

the latest news about my life is that i'm trying to figure out my next move quickly without rushing into anything. that's the tension. last night i said to a friend, "i don't want to be in waco for the sake of staying in waco, but i don't want to leave just for the sake of leaving." he looked like he understood what i was saying, but as the words left my mouth, i thought, "WHAT?" what does that even mean? i feel like my time in waco now is just filling a void. a place to be because there's nowhere else to be. a job to work (these days i really hate the cafe) because there's no place else to work. i need some direction. i need some inspiration. i need to feel like i'm here for a reason. i need to know that there's something i'm working towards here. i want to see that there's a life and place for me after truett seminary graduation.

on july 17th i will be traveling to chicago for a conference. it's a gathering put on by the ekklesia project - a forum whose commitments i greatly resonate with. i spent time fretting about the money for the flight/accomodations/food, but things have worked out in my favor and i am very excited about being able to attend. my hopes are that i will meet people with whom i can have some valuable converstations with about church, community, and creative ways i can live out the things i feel i am being called to. click here for more info about the gathering.

after the conference, i'm visiting a community that i am interested in. i'm staying wednesday night through sunday afternoon at reba place with the hopes that i can learn more about the community and speak with them seriously about their internship program. in my heart, i feel like this trip could be just as meaningful for me as my trip to india, but i need to mix in some practicality with those idealistic feelings, right?

and when i return, i'll be trying to find a way to make a trip to this place, another interest. until then, i'm still researching different communities, trying to find motivation to fill out the mennonite central committee application, and finding inspiration to ask the question, "would you like that in a venti?"