becoming poor

to give the context - when i went on the poverty simulation, i had just finished reading theology of liberation by gustavo gutierrez and had started reading politics of jesus by yoder for the second time. the experience helped me to think about what i had read as i lay awake, cold, hungry, uncomfortable. i kept wondering if this is what it meant to be in solidarity with the poor. did it mean that i should give up all i have and be homeless?

as i looked around at the 30 other people experiencing the simulation with me, i couldn't help but think that the answer wouldn't necessarily be the same for all of us - but should it be? should we all make a sincere commitment to make do with less, to make friends with those in need, to fight the struggle against the injustices of our system? or is it ok that others enjoy wealth and give out of their wealth to those in need? the thing is - it wasn't only the cold and hunger that kept me awake at night during those couple of days, it was also the static in my head. the noise of thousands of black ants racing on the screen, making no sense.

friday night was the worst. the longest night of my life. i had no watch to see how much time was passing in between my dozing and waking. no real way to keep completely warm - i'm claustrophobic and couldn't stand to have the sleeping bag completely covering my head. everytime i thought i had surely slept for a couple of hours and it must be daylight, i peeked out to a completely dark sky. i played mind tricks, reminding myself that there were times when i had been colder and still survived. i thought about what would happen the next day, or sunday, or monday. i imagined myself somewhere else, having a pleasant conversation with someone. i prayed. i thought about how easy it would be to just take a hit of something to forget about where i was or how horribly uncomfortable i was. every once in awhile i'd hear someone cough, or the person next to me snoring, or someone moving in their sleeping bag, and i found myself grateful for others who were enduring the same thing. gutierrez's notion of solidarity made more sense to me that night.

the truth is, i didn't really learn a lot of new information. i had heard most of it before; seen a lot of it before. but this weekend helped me to remember the commitment i had made to serving the needs of those who find themselves without, all the while remembering that at any moment it could be me, it should be me. after this weekend, i wondered why i shouldn't work with the knowledge that it is me. unfortunately, i have made decisions in my lifestyle that have displaced me, moved me far from that type of a lifestyle. i used to pray all the time that God would use me however he chose, that he would send me wherever, that he would put me in whatever situation. i don't know if my faith was stronger then, or more naive, but i do know that when i prayed those prayers i felt that nothing was too much for me to overcome with the help of God. and on friday night when i almost had a panic attack because i felt i was so cold i couldn't breathe, i wondered if i had ever really considered what i was praying for when i was younger.

i want to say that i didn't leave the weekend thinking i would never pray that prayer again. i left wanting to continue asking for the same thing, desiring a complete, humble obedient life-style. only now i know that when i pray, it won't be flippant, and it won't be easy. during these past couple of days and nights, i've been trying to get the prayer out. most of the time it's with a knot in my throat, a butterfly feeling in my stomach. it's slow, like i'm trying way too hard. but just so you know, i'm trying.