the first hesitation

on friday i went into town to interview for a job. as i got ready for the interview, i realized that it was the first time i had spent time thinking about what i should wear, how i should fix my hair, whether or not i should wear makeup. as i got into my car (a ticket on the window, ouch), i realized that i had not driven since i arrived. the feelings were warnings to what i was about to experience.

the barnes and noble cafe i interviewed at is in a huge shopping mall. i walked in and was overwhelmed by the crowds of people shopping, talking on cell phones, walking fast...it had only been a week, but i had been removed enough from the city for it to be significant. i sat down to wait for the manager. she came and spoke to me about the store: the people who shop here are some of the wealthiest, they are very demanding, they are used to nice things, we give them what they want, blah, blah, blah. i nodded my head. could i handle that?

i drove back home feeling odd. i didn't like the fact that i had felt so awkward outside of reba where everyone is calm, no one cares about how you look, there's no need to shop, really, no need drive. sometimes i leave my house barefoot to run errands, with no purse, no cell phone, no keys. i thought the job might be good for me. maybe it would help me reconcile the two worlds, if i can call them two separate worlds. i don't know. so i took the job at the cafe. i'll also be working in the music dept.

and after two days of working the cafe, i realize i hate it. i really do despise being there. it feels compromising and hypocritical and false.

on monday night, the apprentices as i are part of a seminar with northpark students. we are reading the beloved community by charles marsh (we have one copy for the five of us so we've decided to read it together aloud). we meet with the other students for a big potluck dinner, then we break up into small groups to hear from one another and to pray for each other, then we hear a speaker who lectures over the chapter we have read. this week it was ch.1 on martin luther king, jr. it was a thought-provoking seminar that left with me with several concerns and questions.

when we got back to the house, i asked my friend if he would like to take a walk. i had the intention from the very beginning of probing his brain with my concerns. we talked about the copromises that we make (must make) in order to live. i talked about my job. we compared the leadership of bush and that of king. i don't know if that's a fair comparision? we discussed true christian leadership and compromised leadership. we discussed all the things we know are unjust and corrupt and choose to participate in anyway.

i walked the last block in silence. listening to my friend occasionally try to fill the void. i arrived home discouraged. why are you so silent now? he asked. it's too frustrating to follow Jesus. i said. maybe i should quit now.

he smiled and offered sincere, not shallow, words of encouragement and suggested that i read some scripture before i went to bed. i did. i brushed my teeth and went to bed singing, "i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. no turning back." and i sang sincerely. as difficult as it is to believe in principles that are so difficult to live out in this world, it's a decision i have made with a lot of thought. i could not turn back now. i'd be more miserable knowing there was hope and chosing not to embrace it.