ding-dong the wedding bells have rung

the wedding this weekend was a huge racket. i guess for the most part i heard the enjoyable chimes of the wedding bells. i was extremely happy for my two friends, admirous of their commitment to one another, encouraged by their willingness to begin a life together... and then there were times when an awareness of all the other emotions in the crowd kept me very confused. sometimes people seemed sad, definitely tired, depressed, anxious, busy. there were a lot of times during the weekend that i had no idea what to do, so i found a seat and stayed seated until someone called me to do something. weddings are a little annoying, to be honest. i've spent so much money on friends who have married. i've spent countless hours helping prepare things, buying gifts and dresses, traveling - whatever. the novelty is definitely wearing. in fact, when the moment came to catch the flowers, i, sin verguenza, refused. i sat down and was adamant in my refusal. i think it's been almost ten years of being forced to stand with the crowd to make it look like there's an adequate representation of single girls. this time i wasn't going to let it happen. i don't have to go in to how degrading the whole act is. you all know.

it was exhausting, but there were moments of sweetness. being able to be with friends was the best part of it all. after the wedding, those of us who found ourselves left as singles walked to a great restaurant and enjoyed a fine meal together. we stayed up late that night as scottie switched the channels between the first world series game and the baylor football game. marriages are sweet, but i am so utterly content with my single life that i almost loathe those moments when i feel as though i'd be happier married.

i have decided, though, that most of how i feel is due to the fact that i have great friends in waco. i'm starting to believe that the true beauty in marriage lies in the instant, permanent companionship that comes with it - not necessarily the passion and romance (though that is a part of it all). i do wonder what will happen if i find myself suddenly without my friends. will i wish i had married someone to be a constant companion?

i've been listening to "on the road" by jack kerouac on cd. it's the best thing to listen to while i'm driving, with the descriptions of the scenery and talk about traveling. i had taken a break from it a couple of weeks ago, but after the wedding i decided i should listen to it again. i put on the next cd this morning and in the first chapter on the cd, i hear matt dillon read: "I want to marry a girl," I told them, "so I can rest my soul with her till we both get old. This can't go on all the time—all this franticness and jumping around. We've got to go some place, find something."

great.