becoming poor

to give the context - when i went on the poverty simulation, i had just finished reading theology of liberation by gustavo gutierrez and had started reading politics of jesus by yoder for the second time. the experience helped me to think about what i had read as i lay awake, cold, hungry, uncomfortable. i kept wondering if this is what it meant to be in solidarity with the poor. did it mean that i should give up all i have and be homeless?

as i looked around at the 30 other people experiencing the simulation with me, i couldn't help but think that the answer wouldn't necessarily be the same for all of us - but should it be? should we all make a sincere commitment to make do with less, to make friends with those in need, to fight the struggle against the injustices of our system? or is it ok that others enjoy wealth and give out of their wealth to those in need? the thing is - it wasn't only the cold and hunger that kept me awake at night during those couple of days, it was also the static in my head. the noise of thousands of black ants racing on the screen, making no sense.

friday night was the worst. the longest night of my life. i had no watch to see how much time was passing in between my dozing and waking. no real way to keep completely warm - i'm claustrophobic and couldn't stand to have the sleeping bag completely covering my head. everytime i thought i had surely slept for a couple of hours and it must be daylight, i peeked out to a completely dark sky. i played mind tricks, reminding myself that there were times when i had been colder and still survived. i thought about what would happen the next day, or sunday, or monday. i imagined myself somewhere else, having a pleasant conversation with someone. i prayed. i thought about how easy it would be to just take a hit of something to forget about where i was or how horribly uncomfortable i was. every once in awhile i'd hear someone cough, or the person next to me snoring, or someone moving in their sleeping bag, and i found myself grateful for others who were enduring the same thing. gutierrez's notion of solidarity made more sense to me that night.

the truth is, i didn't really learn a lot of new information. i had heard most of it before; seen a lot of it before. but this weekend helped me to remember the commitment i had made to serving the needs of those who find themselves without, all the while remembering that at any moment it could be me, it should be me. after this weekend, i wondered why i shouldn't work with the knowledge that it is me. unfortunately, i have made decisions in my lifestyle that have displaced me, moved me far from that type of a lifestyle. i used to pray all the time that God would use me however he chose, that he would send me wherever, that he would put me in whatever situation. i don't know if my faith was stronger then, or more naive, but i do know that when i prayed those prayers i felt that nothing was too much for me to overcome with the help of God. and on friday night when i almost had a panic attack because i felt i was so cold i couldn't breathe, i wondered if i had ever really considered what i was praying for when i was younger.

i want to say that i didn't leave the weekend thinking i would never pray that prayer again. i left wanting to continue asking for the same thing, desiring a complete, humble obedient life-style. only now i know that when i pray, it won't be flippant, and it won't be easy. during these past couple of days and nights, i've been trying to get the prayer out. most of the time it's with a knot in my throat, a butterfly feeling in my stomach. it's slow, like i'm trying way too hard. but just so you know, i'm trying.

weekend plans

i'm off to have what i hope will be one of those experiences that changes my whole perspective on life. today at 8pm i start the poverty simulation that mission waco sponsors. so, i'll be homeless for two nights. if you think of me this weekend, please pray for me to have endurance. i'm not going to lie, i'm a little nervious.

spring break '06

ah. it's back to the routine, and i am glad for it. i don't think i could have passed my spring break in a more enjoyable way. i worked the cafe a lot, but even that was good because it means more money for the trip to india.

my family came in for the first part of the week. they left on monday and my sisters stayed until tues. what i love most about my family is that i can experience immense joy just by looking at them and seeing them interact. i thought about that one day when i was working. they had come in to waste some time, look at books, and have some drinks. everytime i looked up and saw them, i found myself very grateful for them. isn't it interesting that you can be reminded of the great love someone has for you and the love you have in return with a simple glance?

wednesday was my day to rest. so, i went to the library. i printed out some articles for a sermon due in april. this was the only day i really thought about school.

thurs. worked at the cafe and was allowed to leave early for my trip to austin! i was so excited about being able to leave town. austin was austin maxed out. tons of people for sxsw, decked out in their coolest, not-the-fad clothing, men wearing more make up than i was. it was fantastic. when i got there thurs. night i was so tired from work. i met up with a friend, told him he would have to make all the decisions for the night (my mind wasn't working), and started walking. we did a lot of walking in austin - up and down 6th street, listening for someone, something interesting that we would want to hear. we heard a couple of bands that night and ended the night in a dueling piano bar, where two men faced each other on pianos and sang requests from the crowd. things like rocket man by elton john. i think my friend thought it was lame, but i thought it was hilarious and wanted to stay - "let's stay until we hear a song neither one of us can name" - was my suggestion. so we left during this odd song about a redneck that was distasteful anyway.

fri. morning we got up and left round rock around 10. we went to la zona rosa for an mtv2 concert line up. the first show we watched was not good, so we left. we walked to waterloo. waterloo! within 20 minutes i had the new belle and sebastian, arctic monkeys, minus 5, kt tunstall cds, along with the kinks - village green, and radar bros - radar bros. i walked around the store searching for my friend, hoping he'd be a voice of reason to help me narrow down my selections. in the end, i purchased only one cd. do you want to guess which one it was? i can't remember if i told ya'll or not. after waterloo, we visited book people and whole foods, where we ate lunch and bought a bottle of wine to thank my cousin for letting us crash at her place.

after luch we went back to the mtv2 party to hear jack's mannequin, a pop-rock piano driven band. i didn't particularly care for them, though my friend assured me they sounded better on cd, which i think is sad. anyway, it wasn't the sound i didn't care for, it was more the lyrics. i can only take so much of what i've decided to call the "you and me baby, uh-huh, we're good/you and me baby, uh-oh, we're sad" kind of lyrics. i felt like all their songs could fall into one of those categories. i wondered if he had anything else going on his life besides trying to maintain his relationships with women.

but on fri. i did get to see kt tunstall, which was very good. i've wanted to see her ever since i watched her perform on conan. the show was short, but good. another friend joined us at the kt tunstall show and from then on there was more walking, hanging out, and getting to know one another. and i've decided one of the reasons it's semi-difficult to make new friends is because i have to rehash my whole life every time i want to sincerely befriend someone. i mean, i have to remember what i was like in college or high school. i'm forced to remember and claim my annoyances that all my old friends already know about and put up with. it is a bit tiring, but in the end it's completely worth it if the person sticks around.

on sat. i spent time with my cousins. we had brunch and they told me all about traveling in india and what i would need to make my trip more comfortable. i barely ate because i was trying to write down everything they said. they took me to a cool travel shop, whole earth provision, and i spent the rest of my money buying things for the trip. then we headed over to perfection tattoo, my cousin's fiances tattoo studio. we stayed there for a while just talking and looking at all the art around the studio. these tattoos are serious. i saw some beautiful drawings that made me wish i had a tattoo. i think it's safe to say i probably will never get one, but it's still fun to think about and really interesting to hear about. my cousin informed me on the art of tattooing, and i was intrigued for hours. i told her about flannery o'connors short story, parker's back, and thought it was funny how something i read in a seminary class could relate to a conversation about tattooing.

with my cousins and their very cool, classic austin, friends, i discovered that they didn't think i was lame for going to seminary. in fact, they thought it was good that i was interested in spiritual things, and spent a good amount of time asking me questions about my thoughts on christianity, other world religions, and the church in america. our conversations were enjoyable, but not superficial, and i found myself wishing i could stay longer.

on sat. night, when i was driving back to waco, my friend scott called me to come over and play a game. i arrived to find the board for sesame-street monopoly, set up, ready to go. i lost, of course. but it was a sweet way for me to come back home, back to the pace of things, where my friends are silly and don't care that i am, too. where i am force to make time to read things that cause me to think and deliberate about what i believe.

apparently i like to do whatever it seems

four words/phrases i'd like to use more in conversation:
- hustle & flow (meaning "study/read" as in "i'm going to hustle & flow at beatnix")
- oh schnaap!
- quite right (maybe with an "ol' chap" at the end)
- mulligrubs

four words/phrases i need to stop saying:
- like
- apparently
- whatever
- it seems

four things i learned today:
- it might be too hard for me to call for pacifistic action from someone who experiences very real and life-threatening opression from a regime. i wonder if that makes me a weak pacifist, and i wonder if it's a choice i've made with enough thought. reading gutiérrez makes me glad i'm a pacifist and confirms my belief that a call for peace is necessary. i'm not as certain that i could condemn his call for peace through conflict in the midst of his situation. i'm in conflict over the issue, but not enough to stop calling myself a pacifist.
- in hinduism goddesses are the embodiment of shakti, or power. while male deities can exercise power, it is usually not thought of as being apart from their consort, but goddesses are able to stand alone. the sexual energy of women is recognized as a characteristic of the goddesses as a destructive, but also supremely creative power because of th epower of fertility. Sometimes, worship is centered around the menstrual cycle and celebration of women. it's interesting to find this in a religion of a culture that i have a tendency to quickly condemn for the oppression of women.
- i have a "damn the man" (as my friends call it) attitude to things even when i'm not aware of it. today this professor at starbucks told my friend and i that we would have to move at 10 because they were having a meeting. obviously i would not be moving. i was there first. but then i saw in my kind friends face that she was not completely comfortable with that choice. she said she would stick it to the man with me, and i realized that the attitude was in my thought process without my knowing.
- i'm not ready for spring break.

four things i want to do after work:
- thrift store shop (don't worry. i've given myself a $ limit)
- watch a movie
- meet friends at ninfa's
- stay out late doing nothing important/pressing/stressful

four things i should do after work:
- laundry
- clean bathroom
- pay bills
- go to bed early