the strange boy also kept telling me i looked tired

i finished my paper at 6 am, drove home, took a shower, and went to class. i was one of three or four people who had actually done the assigned reading (i think that's including the professor), so i answered as many of the questions as i could. i guess no one reads if a paper's due. i didn't know that rule. so close to graduating, too. i presented my book review. only, i forgot to bring the book to class with me so i had to go on memory to answer any questions. i think the professor had around 102 for me. then (finally) i turned in my blasted paper. it's actually not too shabby. a nice little history on the spread of christianity to the solomon islands. pretty interesting, actually.

yesterday i found out that i have another paper due tomorrow. not that big of a deal, the professor said. but he wants them well-written. looks like i may be in the library again.

and you know how i get when i'm tired. so silly i'm pretty sure if anyone was meeting me for the first time they'd refuse to ever talk to me again. i'm pretty annoying when i'm silly. i may have offended a couple of strangers already. one boy who i asked to quit singing in the computer lab at school, another who i asked to stop talking so loudly (well, he wasn't a stranger, but he asked me when i stopped loving him. so, i'm pretty sure from now on i'll treat him as though he is a stranger).

now i'm avoiding going to work because they have placed me in another woman's office who likes pink, inspirational sayings, and clutter. yesterday i sat in the chair with my books on my lap. i tried not to touch anything or look at anything for an extended period of time. after about an hour and a half, someone told me there was going to be a fire drill. so, i left. i wonder how long i'll last today?

i guess i should go to the pepto-bismol dungeon of encouragement.

for your listening pleasure

i have got to finish my paper - i'm on page three now. three of 12-15. but in addition to my fun cd, i've also been listening to clips of feist. you should listen to them on kut and on all songs considered.here's another song from that site. that's all for today.

why everyone should love mix cds

do you ever get tired of having to apologize? i'm not talking about the sorry-i-bumped-into-you apology. i'm not even thinking of the sorry-i-bumped-into-you-and-made-you-spill-hot-coffee-all-over-yourself apology. i mean the apologies you have to make for something that upon reflection was not at all accidental.

i feel like i've been working on it for most of my life now, but my impatience still always gets the better of me. it hurts people's feelings, it puts people off, and it is completely due to my feeling that my time is way more important than anyone else's. i hate when i have to apologize for being impatient. it makes me feel like all my work to remedy it has been done in vain.

i will never, though, tire of the graciousness of my friends who say things like what scott said last night after the apology - "oh. i understand. thanks for saying something about it." kindness like that cannot be forgotten.

so i have another week from gehenna! yeah! wednesday a book review and 12-15 page paper. thursday some essays to turn in as my contribution to the class final. friday another paper of 10 things i've learned in class and their significance (that i was supposed to be working on all semester long). this in addition to class reading (let's be honest, this is only going to be perused ten minutes before class). at least i'm ahead in my reading for dr. wood's class. i started my paper yesterday (1 page) and finished the book review last night.

you know what else i did last night? i made a mix cd of fun songs with happy memories to get me through the week and into finals. alright. quite begging. i'll tell you what's on it.

1. float on - modest mouse. i still have that small clip of us singing along to this song at the concert. then we booed them off the stage for stopping early. we are never satisfied.
2. underground - ben folds five. one of the first times i heard ben folds was hearing this song, and it's hilarious.
3. the late greats - wilco. it's fun, easy to sing and dance to. i'll never forget when we heard them play this song in concert - myles turned to me and said something like, "holy junk. i hate this song." and then sang along to every word like he loved it. by the way, every quote of myles that i have in my head contains the phrase "holy junk."
4. road to joy - bright eyes.
5. mr. excitement - they might be giants. "let it be known - they might be giants...dirty..."
6. haiti - arcade fire. i cannot hear this song without seeing her brilliant dance with the red gloves and high silver boots. i do try to imitate the dance.
7. why bother? - weezer. because if it's fun cd, it has to have a weezer song and almost every other song has been put on my other mix cds. besides, the song is fairly fitting for my circumstances.
8. house of bamboo - earl grant. this song is crazy silly.
9. someday - the strokes. "see alone we stand, together we fall apart..." "when we was young oh man did we have fun. always. always."
10. michael - franz ferdinand. who we watched on tv during thanksgiving and adriana laughed everytime he sang "this is what i am, i am a man so come and dance with me michael."
11. all you need in love - the beatles. "all together now..."
12. window - guster. i saw this song played live as my friend joann joined the boys on stage and played the violin part and i yelled stuff like "that's my friend!" from the audience. it was ridiculously fun.
13. gather in - john rueben. "i just wanna make the party people dance. i'll make no disclaimer about that."
14. they never got you - spoon.
15. ain't nothing like the real thing - marvin gaye. there's nothing like singing a duet by yourself.
16. to be young... - ryan adams. the first song he played when we saw him, and he was incredibly high.
17. oye como va - santana. reminds me of being awakened on saturday mornings as dad cleaned house with santana blaring. it's not a bad way to wake up, actually.
18. digging to hell - superfurry animals. i did say this week is from hell. this is a fun way to sing about it.
19. scientist - dandy warhols. it's funny because i used to say this to myself when i first started seminary and thought i was in over my head with all the theology and philosophy stuff, "i am a scientist." i think if i ever teach chemistry again it'll be a song i play for my students.
20. i am over it - dandy warhols. because it finishes the phrase that ends the song above, "let's see if we can do this is one toke...i mean, take," which i laugh at every time. anyway it seems a good song to end the cd.

it was therapeutic. i don't care if making it made me stay up longer finishing my book review. it was worth it.

all i can see is orange and white and white and red and play it to green

( you gotta love the play on the wilco lyrics - no matter how much i overuse them)

two turkey-less meals, two free movies, one read book...thanksgiving is over. my family's home is proof.

today the scarecrow men went back into hiding. well, not quite yet, but they're waiting to be taken back into the attic. my dad's too intrigued by a show on the history channel about the presidency to take them. the fall decorations have graciously given up their spots to make room for the wreaths, poinsettias, snowmen, sleighs...



no. actually, there will never be enough room in the house for all the red, green, and gold my mom has acquired over the years. this morning she paid another visit to hobby lobby to buy more. our house is christmas madness tastefully done - for the most part. i did knock something off a wreath earlier and had difficulty putting it back. i didn't really know where it went since every spot on the greenery seemed to be taken. all the decoration were up in a matter of minutes.

i took pictures of the christmas decorations to post, but my parents' computer is wanting to test my patience, and i'm proving lacking in that discipline. so you won't get to see pictures of the nativity scene, the spread on the mantle, or the pretty ornament i made for the tree. but i would be denying you all great pleasure if i didn't take the time to post the most beautiful picture i took.


his name's chorizo, and i'm very sorry if you haven't been able to meet him. all my friends love him so much it makes me wonder if they come over to see me or him.

one of these days i'll have to tell the truth about chorizo, but not today. he's always stressed out and tired when we visit. i'll be kind to him.

maybe when i do that i'll also post a blog that's not full of nonsense.

tomorrow i'll be on the road listening to (and hopefully finishing) the jack kerouc novel on cd. maybe i'll have enough time to listen to my sister's bob schneider cd that i'm stealing. yeah, i know you won't miss it and would probably let me take it if i asked, but this way's more fun. so take that for doing you know what to me. you don't play fair at all.

just for the sake of posting

there was a minimal amount of school work done this weekend. i wanted to read half of the book for the book review due after thanksgiving - i got halfway through chapter one. to be fair, there was a preface, and an introduction. i got some reading done for my first class after thanksgiving. i only have ten more pages of that left to read. the thing that's looming over my head is that damn research paper. i want it to be interesting and good, but i can not motivate myself to get it written.

i cleaned the house some and did laundry this weekend. it was very needed.

still in my rental car. the chevy aveo. check it out:

excecpt mine's black and there's no backdrop that beautiful in waco. ah, waco.

this morning i was cursing waco when i drove to pick up my friend pete to take him to school. at a four-way stop sign, the car that stopped after me didn't even pause to let me pass. it kept going, getting as close to me as possible and speeding up as soon as i cleared the path. waiting at the door for my friend (he apparantly woke up when i knocked on the door), i could smell marijuana coming from behind the stairs. i saw a man walk by. it wasn't even 8AM yet. i guess that kind of stuff happens in every town, i was just upset that it was happening behind my friend's apartment.

i don't know if i've told you about my latest obsession. i want to learn to airbrush. my friend fernando has been teaching me some about it. in fact, if you spoke with me about airbrushes: bottle feed, siphon feed, gravity feed, dual-action, needles, air compressors, etc., i'd be able to contribute some knowledge to the conversation. just don't ask me to paint anything yet. i'm supposed to experiment some with his airbrush, but i haven't had time. another drawback: it's a very expensive hobby. i should probably just stick to my canvasses and acrylics. but maybe one day, i'll be looking very cool, holding one of these in my hands at a flea market:

morning drive musings

this is what i did on my way to school this morning - ok, maybe only during the last 2-3 minutes of the drive, but still...

if i had to chose a cd that reminded me of each season:

winter - rufus wainwright, want one
spring - wilco, yankee hotel fotrot
summer - belle&sebastian, boy with the arab strap
fall - (i've said this before)sun kil moon, ghosts of the great highway

what are your seasonal cds?

the second post today!

i felt the need to say - george herbert is (was) a genius. it's difficult to believe that something as horrid as sin can be written about in a beautiful, redemptive way. read, reflect, repent...

Sin's Round

SORRY I am, my God, sorry I am,
That my offences course it in a ring.
My thoughts are working like a busy flame,
Until their cockatrice they hatch and bring:
And when they once have perfected their draughts,
My words take fire from my inflamed thoughts.

My words take fire fro m my inflamed thoughts,
Which spit it forth like the Sicilian hill.
They vent their wares, and pass them with their faults,
And by their breathing ventilate the ill.
But words suffice not, where are lewd intentions:
My hands do join to finish the inventions.

My hands do join to finish the inventions:
And so my sins ascend three stories high,
As Babel grew, before there were dissentions.
Let ill deeds loiter not: for they supply
New thoughts of sinning:
wherefore, to my shame,
Sorry I am, my God, sorry I am.

questions for yoder with some thoughts about my future

i've been reading yoder - the politics of Jesus. i usually avoid talking about theological issues on my blog because i get so much of it at school, in my reading, in my writing. since i've started seminary, there is a rarely an issue that doesn't get analyzed in my head in a theological kind of way. it's not the purpose of my blog to find one more avenue for that. i think i would go mad if it were. having said that...i've been reading yoder.

today after our class discussion, i wasn't completely satisfied with how are discussion had ended. i asked my professor if i could ask a question. we sat down to talk, and my questions/frustrations/confusion led to a thirty minute discussion. i value yoder and his contribution to helping me understand the value of the church for action (subordinate action?) to contrast the injustices of our society. i have no issue with understanding the necessity of allowing myself to peacefully accept the role society has placed on me - within the community of the church, in mutual subjection. it's not easy to do, of course, but i have no problem with acknowledging that in light of Christ's life - in his emptying of himself and subjecting himself to the powers of the world to the point of death - it is the only way i can live. i have no problem saying it for myself. but what do i tell my hispanic friend who allows herself to be beaten by her boyfriend because her traditional, mexican upbringing has tended to place that type of subjective role within genders? what do i tell my friends who are children living with parents who ignore their valid emotions and concerns? yoder's words are great for the church community - where we can speak to both parties and demand mutual subordination. what do we do with christians who experience a role of subjugation enforced upon them by one who is outside the church? how in the world can i express my belief that we, as followers of Christ, should allow ourselves to peacefully accept that role? yet, if i say it for myself, i must believe it to be true for others. my position is not one that allows me to live a christian life in a different way from others. we are all mutually valuable. we are one in that aspect, even though we are called to live out different roles within society.

after speaking with me for some time on the issue, i came away knowing there was not an easy answer. i came away convinced that the only way i could find some clarity to my questions was in living within my church community - among those who are different from me, among the poor, among the undocumented, single woman who has no means of representing herself. the only way i can know how they should live out their lives as followers of Christ is by struggling with them and being with them as they ask the same question. it is not for me to have an answer. it is for us - as we live in church community - to begin figuring out.

the conversation ended with my professor saying things too kind and too embarrassing to repeat here. he wanted to know what i wanted to do after seminary and suggested some very challenging things i should look into. one leading to eventually becoming a senior pastor somewhere. he seemed so convinced that i would be able to do all of the many things he spoke of, and in my mind i wondered why he should be so impressed with me. i tell this part of my conversation with him only to say that i am so confused as to what i should do after i graduate. i have considered several non-profit organizations and schools, but i feel now, with some hesitation (it's hard to explain why), that my work must be done within a church community.

i felt like posting pictures

ah. memories from happier days. actually, it was hot, dusty, physically draining. but back in september the papers and projects i have due next week didn't even seem to exist.

it's actually not too bad at all. i had a great weekend. you would think that the paper/project outlines still don't exist. though i did spend a lot of time this weekend in the library i also took some time to have some fun.

see, here's proof. it's courtney, christy, and me at a friend's birthday party. we were very silly. i'm afraid we may have scared some people.

and now to do some reading...

one more thing to waste time

apparantly my future husband has aligned himself with the make trade fair organization. of course he has. no wonder i haven't heard from him. i guess he's too busy to propose.

click on the "join the big noise" link to the left and add your name to the petition while you're at the site.

stayed up way too late last night

i have had the same four cds rotating in my car. this is not normal for me. i like to change things up. i try to avoid admitting that i can easily fall into routine and habit (apart from the spiritual disciplines). yesterday, i changed out cds and realized that out of all my cds, i reached for one i had just listened to the other day. i guess i get into my fall mood and listen to music that reminds me of fall. so, if you need some good, fall-driving music, listen to ryan adam's heartbreaker, ghosts of the great highway by sun kil moon, it still moves by my morning jacket, or the kgsr broadcasts compiliation 2005(?), vol. 2. even on the indian summer days, they make me think of fall.

a couple of my friends did this on their blog. i thought it was funny. the idea is to go to google and type in your name followed by the word "needs" and list the first ten results. 1. celina needs a man falling for her
2. celina needs a body guard
3. celina needs a home
4. celina needs some physical regime
5. celina needs the jobs and taxes and low-priced goods
6. celina needs major help
7. celina needs one team for ten-team pool tournament
8. celina needs a solo hit
9. celina needs a little more still to prove herself
10. celina needs a raise

you can't make that kind of stuff up. so, thanks to myles for helping me waste some time before i finish reading a book, catch up on reading for another class, write a paper, and write thank you letters for scholarships.

count the number of times i used the word "wrinkles"

i'm sitting at my new study spot for the semester, beatnix - a locally owned coffee shop away from the baylor scene - with my new friend courtney - a marvelous new seminary student who helps lead the life group i attend. it's a nice way to end a day that has been consumed by me thinking about life, growing old, and death. i mean, it's nice to be reminded that in the midst of aging (and i realize i am far from old) there are still new things to be discovered.

to be honest, my thoughts on growing old started a while back when my roommate jen remarked that she was getting crow's feet. i made her explain to me what those were - the wrinkles on the side of your eyes from laughing/smiling/squinting. of course that started others talking about their recent discoveries of wrinkles until i asked that the conversation stop. what bothered me (and i voiced my opinion, of course)was that they were not speaking of aging in the "sure i have wrinkles but it's all worth it" kind of way. they were lamenting growing old, and i couldn't handle it.

with all the happenings of the week - there was a lot. i found myself grateful for the things i've learned with time. not that there are things we can always be prepared for, but it helps to have perspective. i know it brings wrinkles, tired bones after a night of too much dancing, nights spent wondering where the time has gone - i'll admit it brings some things worthy of lament. but, there are good things that i would not give up, even if it meant foregoing the wrinkles. [to clarify, i really don't have wrinkles.]

and with my strawberry cremosa and half a cinnamon scone i shared with courtney, i'm grateful for the things that keep life fresh.