you might not believe this

but it's true.

yesterday was my last day to work at the b&n cafe here in chicago, and we were extremely busy. i was working the cash register as fast as i could. ringing up orders, serving coffee, toasting sandwiches, etc. i rarely looked up to see how long the line was. when i did i noticed someone who looked a lot like, no. wait. it definitely was...jeff tweedy, frontman for my favorite band of all time - wilco.

my heart raced like i had just sprinted up five flights of stairs, my stomach dropped, my mind raced with what i would say when he ordered, and my whole body was paralyzed. i told myself to hurry and get to him, but i couldn't move. i stuttered. i spilled some coffee. i was a complete idiot. i helped the next person...only three more to go until i talked to jeff tweedy. i turned around to pour the coffee and when i turned around again, tweedy had disappeared.

"can i take my break right now?" i asked my manager, after explaining how i had just missed the chance of a lifetime. it was going to be my story to tell for the rest of my life. she said yes, so i hurried down the steps and frantically walked around the store. i saw more of the store than i had seen since i started working. i looked everywhere, but jeff tweedy was no where to be found.

sad day. torrents and storms outside reflected my mood.

you say you want a revolution

it's been more frustration...wondering why i'm here. wondering if i'm making a difference. what am i doing to help hunger, poverty, war, injustice? i'm living with a group of people, investing my life into theirs, finding real times for prayer, living peaceably, simply, finding ways out of "the empire" and into the kingdom. is it revolutionary?

i'm currently reading the beloved community by charles marsh (well, i'm reading a lot of books these days. also - making room: recovering hospitality as a christian tradition by christine pohl, city of joy by dominique lapierre, and slouching towards kalamazoo by peter de vries). i finished reading the second chapter last week on clarence jordan and his work toward reconcilation. it was a movement that differed from king in its method. jordan didn't worry about effectiveness; he didn't set out to be in the face of the officials and politicians who were making laws; he simply lived rightly. he refused to live a life of segregation and didn't need the law to change in order to live differently. he wasn't necessarily revolutionary, but he was subversive and his actions made revolutionary statements years before the boycotts and protests.

life is slow here. decisions and actions take time, and no one seems to be in a hurry. we are on God's time, they tell me, and he has eternity. it is not our job to change the world. we give our lives to obedience - to live on Kingdom principles - even if it means we fail, because the Kingdom goes on past our own lives.

so i confess (i feel odd doing so on this blog) that am i struggling. i think that if i had not seriously and deliberately studied the life of Christ i would want to be a revolutionary. i'd find a way to be in the face of those making the laws, i'd yell and demand the rights they are denying. i'd fight and kill for those who can not and dare anyone to stop me from giving them the justice and dignity they deserve.

but i can't.

i would feel it to be so far from the life i long to live and feel called to live- one that reflects the life of Christ. one who was subjected to the powers and laws of his time and simply lived rightly. and i wish i was doing more, but i'm learning to be patient. i am learning that the Lord is not slow as i understand slowness, but he is patient. and i think he is teaching me that Kingdom values can not be learned overnight. i'm so attached to this world that i have even believed its methods of success, effectiveness, and efficiency to be the best way. i can't explain how difficult it is to feel those beliefs being ripped away from me. to find that ways that i have acted in the past have been such a truncated understanding of how am i to live out my faith.

and so it is with one relationship at a time that i move.

i had the day off today. my friend told me about a lady who has been evicted from her apt. she had no one to help her move and a house full of trash, dirty dishes, and broken furniture. i spent some time helping her find some peace in the overwhelmed feelings of stress, helplessness, and hopelessness that paralyzed her from doing anything. for the first ten minutes, all she did was walk in circles telling my friend and i that there was no point in our being there, that nothing could be done, there was too much junk. calmly we reassured her that it would get done and we began taking loads of things to the dumpster, taping up boxes, and packing up the things she wanted.

i visited a friend i have made who is confined to a bed at a nursing home. sometimes she looks at the ceiling and gets so scared that it is caving in on her that the fear is evident in her whole body, and i see her struggling to make her hand grasp the railing on her bed so that she can feel safe. sometimes she feels that she is falling out of her bed and that scares her, too. she used to be a stripper, she tells me, after she left home at sixteen, and there are autographed photos from men that adored her above her bed, "to boom-boom, the greatest star to ever hit chicago," they say. but in her early thirties she was severly beaten by a boyfriend. she spent some time in a wheelchair, but after a fall was told that she had to stay in bed for her own safety. now her only time out of bed is for a couple of hours in the morning on a geri chair. today was her birthday, and when i saw her i asked if anyone had sang the song to her. she told me that the nurse had told her happy birthday in the morning. i sang loudly, proudly and held the hand of a sixty-six year old woman, too young to be in a nursing home. i sat with her for an hour and we talked about life, about our fears, about the things we loved...

so is this revolutionary? i shared my struggles with david, the director of the apprenticeship program and told him about my beautiful day - about how much joy i felt being with these women. he told me that i spent the day with two women who were probably considered "losers" by others in society, but who are greatly valued and loved in the Kingdom.

i find myself grateful for the opportunities to live simply in order to work less and to live with eleven others in order to spend less. it gives me time to seek out people who i long to love and be with. i don't really think that it is revolutionary, but it's the right thing to do and it satisfies my soul, heart, being in such a way that makes me wonder if i could ever truly express it.

the first hesitation

on friday i went into town to interview for a job. as i got ready for the interview, i realized that it was the first time i had spent time thinking about what i should wear, how i should fix my hair, whether or not i should wear makeup. as i got into my car (a ticket on the window, ouch), i realized that i had not driven since i arrived. the feelings were warnings to what i was about to experience.

the barnes and noble cafe i interviewed at is in a huge shopping mall. i walked in and was overwhelmed by the crowds of people shopping, talking on cell phones, walking fast...it had only been a week, but i had been removed enough from the city for it to be significant. i sat down to wait for the manager. she came and spoke to me about the store: the people who shop here are some of the wealthiest, they are very demanding, they are used to nice things, we give them what they want, blah, blah, blah. i nodded my head. could i handle that?

i drove back home feeling odd. i didn't like the fact that i had felt so awkward outside of reba where everyone is calm, no one cares about how you look, there's no need to shop, really, no need drive. sometimes i leave my house barefoot to run errands, with no purse, no cell phone, no keys. i thought the job might be good for me. maybe it would help me reconcile the two worlds, if i can call them two separate worlds. i don't know. so i took the job at the cafe. i'll also be working in the music dept.

and after two days of working the cafe, i realize i hate it. i really do despise being there. it feels compromising and hypocritical and false.

on monday night, the apprentices as i are part of a seminar with northpark students. we are reading the beloved community by charles marsh (we have one copy for the five of us so we've decided to read it together aloud). we meet with the other students for a big potluck dinner, then we break up into small groups to hear from one another and to pray for each other, then we hear a speaker who lectures over the chapter we have read. this week it was ch.1 on martin luther king, jr. it was a thought-provoking seminar that left with me with several concerns and questions.

when we got back to the house, i asked my friend if he would like to take a walk. i had the intention from the very beginning of probing his brain with my concerns. we talked about the copromises that we make (must make) in order to live. i talked about my job. we compared the leadership of bush and that of king. i don't know if that's a fair comparision? we discussed true christian leadership and compromised leadership. we discussed all the things we know are unjust and corrupt and choose to participate in anyway.

i walked the last block in silence. listening to my friend occasionally try to fill the void. i arrived home discouraged. why are you so silent now? he asked. it's too frustrating to follow Jesus. i said. maybe i should quit now.

he smiled and offered sincere, not shallow, words of encouragement and suggested that i read some scripture before i went to bed. i did. i brushed my teeth and went to bed singing, "i have decided to follow Jesus. no turning back. no turning back." and i sang sincerely. as difficult as it is to believe in principles that are so difficult to live out in this world, it's a decision i have made with a lot of thought. i could not turn back now. i'd be more miserable knowing there was hope and chosing not to embrace it.

last weekend when we were at camp lake sitting on the dock looking out into the lake to watch the sun set, david sighed and said, "this is how a city man keeps his sanity."

"not on the interstate in the middle of heavy traffic?" the person sitting next to me asked.

"oh, i suppose we can discover the peace of Christ in any situation, but being here does something for me soul," david responded.

last night after about a two hour discussion about life, death, heaven, hell, faith, doubt, religion, knowledge, truth...with one of the apprentices who is not a Christian but grew up in a Christian home, i walked to my room, sat, and remembered david's comment. i think i understood what he meant because at that moment i longed to be back on the dock watching evening come like the herring on the water.

pictures of my new home

snickers is the household dog. she's been misbehaving lately, but i think she's under control now. i'm trying to make her my friend and am finding that it's much easier than befriending denver combs. she's a nice dog.



the clearing, side & front view. i live here on the third floor.










reading by the window in my room. there's not a whole lot to do right now except walk the neighborhood exploring and looking for a job. i'm enjoying the time and taking up as much reading as i can. i'm reading the silence of st. thomas by josef pieper for a second time and started reading city of joy.





























my room and evidence of my not so good camera. i apologize for the blurriness of the picture. here's a view of my bed and the window i've enjoyed reading beside.

the wall opposite my bed has been decorated by a cork board and photos. here's a fuller picture of the room showing the table with the computer.
























jen worked very hard knitting the blanket that is now on my bed. a great gift and surprise! i did take more pictures of my room, but there not worth posting because they're not the greatest pictures. maybe later i'll find a better camera, but for now these will have to do.

i haven't given much thought to what i'm going to write

jen and i arrived later than anticipated fri. night in evanston, il. the whole trip was fairly easy - no problems with weather, traffic, or directions. the only time i was a little frightened was in chicago. the traffic was very fast, and i was not aggressive enough for it. i am grateful for public transportation.

i settled into my room that night, determined to open and empty every box before i went to sleep. i took some pictures of my room but forgot my camera, so maybe i'll show pictures of my awesome decorating skills later. the room is on the third floor, and the women of reba had it nicely prepared for me with a bed, two drawers, a table, and two chairs. i tweaked it a little - like taking down the blue, flowery, frilly curtains in exchange for a simple sage green curtain panel i had brought with me - to make it look more like me. more like home. whatever that is.

we went to church on sunday and had communion, which was really great. it was a calm, slow moment to see the faces of those in my community. we were given the bread and then passed the wine to those behind us. yeah. real wine. i'm not in a baptist church anymore.

after lunch all the apprentices left for a retreat house that reba owns on camp lake in wisconsin. it's beautiful there. we spent the evening hearing one another's life stories in between making and eating dinner, taking the canoe and row boat out on the lake, a short hike, building a fire, making smores...it was a delightful evening, and i could not imagine a better way to get to know those with whom i will be spending a great amount of time. all the other apprentices are younger than me (of course) and are good, honest, vulnerable, thoughtful people. they are already significant figures in my faith formation. i don't quite understand how that could happen so quickly, but it's true. that night i fell asleep (and woke up) to the sound of rain gently falling on the roof and the leaves outside the window.

the next morning, after a breakfast of french toast, fruit, coffee and apple juice, we had a bible study followed by a time of prayer for one another. then, others from reba place drove up to meet us for lunch. i was so happy to see jen's face among them. i ate, played, sat around a talked, walked the trails again...

today i woke up at 6:15 because i was in charge of breakfast. tonight i am in charge of dinner. i'm going to make enchiladas, rice, and beans. hopefully that will be good for everyone. oh! i should also make salsa! just thought about it. also taking jen to the airport today. that will be sad, but i won't think about it now.