lyrical joy

i was telling my friends the other day that i have been listening continuously to colplay's x&y album. i started listening to it when i got back from india because i hadn't heard it for so long. i began realizing that every song seemed to have something to say to my current situation. i think chris martin must have just graduated from seminary and been looking for his next place when he wrote these lyrics. to me the whole album is about taking the next step, risking failure for the sake of the move, all the while finding comfort in a great love. there are some lines i sing along to loudly, they confess my greatest fears and hopes. other lines are so sobering and comforting, i just sit and listen. here are some of my favorite lines from the songs on that album.

square one
the future’s for discovering
the space in which we're travelling

under the surface trying to break through
deciphering the codes in you
i need a compass, draw me a map...

what if
every step that you take
could be your biggest mistake
it could bend or it could break
but that's the risk that you take

that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
that’s right
how can you know it when you don’t even try
that’s right
let’s take a breath, jump over the side
that’s right
you know the darkness always turns into light

white shadows
maybe you'll get what you wanted
maybe you'll stumble upon it
everything you ever wanted
in a permanent state

maybe you'll know when you've seen it
maybe if you say it you’ll mean it
and when you find it you'll keep it
in a permanent state
a permanent state

swim out on a sea of faces
the tide of the human races
oh, an answer now is what i need
see it in the new sun rise and
see it breaking on your horizon

talk
oh, brother, i can’t believe it’s true
i’m so scared about the future
and i want to talk to you
oh, i want to talk to you

so you don’t know where you’re going
and you want to talk
and you feel like you’re going where you’ve been before
you'll tell anyone who’ll listen but you feel ignored
and nothing’s really making any sense at all
let’s talk, let’s talk

speed of sound
how long before i get in
before it starts, before i begin
how long before you decide
before i know what it feels like
where to, where do i go
if you never try then you’ll never know
how long do i have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine

a message
my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don’t have to be alone

your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it’s so hard to see clearly
you don’t have to be on your own
you don’t have to be on your own

low
all you ever wanted was love
but you never looked hard enough
it’s never gonna give itself up
all you ever wanted to be
living in perfect symmetry
nothing is as down or as up
don’t you want to see it come soon
floating in a big white balloon
or given on your own silver spoon
don’t you want to see it come down
there for throwing your arms around
and say "you're not a moment too soon"

the hardest part
and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part
it was the hardest part
and the strangest thing was waiting for that bell to ring
it was the strangest start

twisted logic
you’ll go backwards
but then you’ll go forwards again

'til kingdom come
still my heart and hold my tongue
i feel my time, my time has come
let me in, unlock the door
i never felt this way before

hold my head inside your hands
i need someone who understands
i need someone, someone who hears
for you i’ve waited all these years

for you i’d wait til kingdom come
until my day, my day is done
and say you’ll come and set me free
just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

that's almost every song on the album. i wish i was listening to it right now.

another thing that's brought me some comfort (lyrically) is the work of george herbert. i've posted some of his poems before. i've been reading them devotionally, over and over again throughout the day, trying to grasp exactly what he's saying. one of my favorites these days is this one:

The Answer

My comforts drop and melt like snow:
I shake my head, and all the thoughts and ends,
Which my fierce youth did bandy, fall and flow
Like leaves about me, or like summer-friends
Flies of estates and sun-shine. But to all,
Who think me eager, hot, and undertaking,
But in my prosecutions slack and small;
As a young exhalation, newly waking,
Scorns his first bed of dirt, and means the sky;
But cooling by the way, grows pursy and slow,
And settling to a cloud, doth live and die
In that dark state of tears: to all, that so
Show me, and set me, I have one reply,
Which they that know the rest, know more than I.

i don't want to write a whole lot because i've probably already lost most of my readers, but some favorite things about the poem
- the wisdom of an aged poet who is looking back on time, remembering the passion he had as a youth who wanted to reach the sky. his seeming disappointment with the way his aging has settled him to complacency and his lost vigor.
- the imagery created in the first four lines of a head with hair the color of snow falling when shaken. remembering the seasons backwards, looking back on time. of the thoughts falling slowly now, escaping without any fierce action on his part, not being thrown as they were when he was young.
- having desired as a youth to reach the sky, away from the dirt, he finds himself at the end of the poem settled in a cloud. only the cloud is like a rain cloud, dark and full of tears.
- there is no real answer, except that rest is what is desired. if "the rest" means death, it returns the reader's mind to thoughts of the earth and dirt. so what should be desired? was the fierceness of his youth a good thing? or did his desire for success only lead him away from his natural, intended surroundings? does rest mean contentment where one finds himself instead of always looking up?
- the poem has a completely different tone at the end than what the beginning seemed to be implying. maybe herbert isn't necessarily disappointed with growing pursy and slow. it seems that he is wishing he had learned earlier in life the value of rest and contentment; yet, he is still learning. he has not yet known "the rest." is that to come on the final day?

i started reading the sonnet yesterday and have yet to have it completely figured out. that is why i love the poems of george herbert. i wish you all could love them as much as i do. what do you think about this poem? do you think i'm completely off?

i write a lot in my journal

i've never copied an entry from my written journal to this blog, but i've decided that i wanted to share what i wrote after my first night at reba place. so, if the language is annoyingly emotive, i apologize. but i think you will understand - that's what journals are for...

7/19 at Reba Place. it is completely lovely. not because it is perfect, but because in the midst of the imperfections that come with being human the people here have made a commitment to love and to be loved, and because i, in my imperfections, am learning more about how to use my natural giftings to interact with people i don't know well.

there's a trust here at reba place. i don't want to say that it's an easy trust, but i find it quite natural to share my story with these people and to confess my true feelings. i don't think that makes it easy, though. the trust that one finds here comes from years of living with other believers and from years of following Christ - of learning what it means to love; of practicing discernment; of enacting hospitality. here, behind the ease of trusting there are years of struggle, of being wounded and restored. to call it easy would not do it justice.

an air of age and timelessness surrounds the buildings of reba place. i find myself comforted not only by the love and hospitality i am shown, but by the wisdom of generations past and knowing that so many have passed through this place voicing the same concerns as i have, embracing the same hopes as i do: that the church could be more than she is; that the community of saints could rise up to be those whose lives reflect something different from this world; that love of God and neighbor could be the first passion in the lives of believers; that reconciliation and resurrection could be the desire of every encountered relationship; that imagination would be fostered by our experiences in the church; and that we could learn to look past the way things appear to be in order to discover the reality of how life is lived in the kingdom. where we are content and satisfied intstead of always wanting to buy more. where we appreciate our bodies when we are healthy instead of degrading it based on others' standards; where we see the beauty and sacredness of God's creation instead of believeing it is is for us to dominate, abuse, neglect, and exploit. these are my passions, and i am seeking for a safe place to nurture and explore them.
____________________
stayed with grete, aaron, and barbara for most of today. there was to be a potluck dinner @6:30, so barb and i made waxbean casserole, veg. kabobs, and rice. there was a feast awaiting us when we arrived - soup with potatoes, squash, tomatoes, onions, and noodles; a casserole with chard, dill, tomatoes, and eggs; homemade bread, and delicious chocolate pies. all vegetarian!

after dinner tatiana told me they would have evening prayer at 9pm. i went to aaron, barb, & grete's and picked up my stuff to come to the guest apt. a lovely simple room has been assigned to me. twin bed with sheets striped in lt. blue, pink, and white with flowers trimming the edges. a chair. a bedstand with a lamp. a closet with hangers. what more do i need?

walked to the apartment for evening prayer. as i tried to remember how to get there, i heard the voices of people singing. resounding from an open window, pouring beauty out into the streets. then i knew where i was going. as i walked, it was a moment when i felt at peace, in union, with creation. the air around me blew my hair at just the right time to cool my neck at just the right place. dusk settled in with enough light to guide my steps. the solitude and attitude of the summer night expressed the joy of my heart. then i went to pray.

safe in the arms of strangers

i arrived in chicago midway airport last night anxious and nervious. i read most of the way (anne lamott's blue shoe) and chatted some with the girl next to me who dropped her cup of water right between her legs. apparantly i wasn't the only one who was nervious. at least i hide it better. i mean, come on. get a grip. (if you could see my eyes you'd know that's a joke). so i arrived wondering if i'd be able to work chicago's transportation system. if i'd find my way through the airport alright. i was a little sad that i had to travel by myself. i despise the fact that everytime i have to do something challenging on my own i start reconsidering the whole single thing. my thoughts naturally go there. and then reading anne lamott whose character is sad about being divorced and wanting to date any man, even a married one...

but i've decided that almost anyone with any sense could work the transportation system here. it's pretty easy. it's true that my friends (who were at first only friends of my friends, but now definitely my friends as well) have helped me through it, telling me which line to take where, but i was still scared that i wouldn't find the line or that i'd miss my stop or not have put enough money on my card. i was really scared that i wouldn't even be able to find the trainstation from the airport. there's signs everywhere (with directions) and for those who don't want to read or notice, there are voices overhead telling you what to do. "this is the red line to howard," "this is argyle. the doors open on the left at argyle. you can connect to the purple and brown line here," "the next stop is loyola..." and so on. i think if i moved here i could definitely make do without a car, and i can't tell you how much that excites me.

i left the house at 7:30 this morning and took the red line to fullerton and then walked about a block and a half to the depaul student service center. i registered for the conference and found some people from waco! yay! not alone. see? single's alright. there were so many great sessions today - on agrarian farming and it's relation to urban life, on the catholic worker's movement. i heard three different takes on the use of imagery in worship and christian formation - one from an orthodox perspective, one from a catholic perspective, and one from a mennonite perspective. it was very interesting. i also went to a seminar entitled, "beyond sunday school: christian formation and subversive worship." also very good.

i walked by loads of great books that i stopped myself from buying, but i'm going to pray about it tonight and may end up buying one or two of them. i don't know yet. there's a 40% off discount conference price, so i feel like it's a good deal. i just don't know which ones would be most beneficial.

i've met lots of cool people. today i met several from reba place and even went by there tonight with one of the ladies i met. i met up with her at the train station, and she offered to show me how to get to reba place and then drive me back to where i was staying. but i only knew one way back to this place and that was from the train station. she thought she knew how to get here, but we ended up getting lost. i had forgotten my cell phone.

reba place is not what i imagined it to be. i thought it would be some gated community where they grew vegetables and had a church building at the center of the place. i was pleasantly surprised. it turns out that the fellowship is made up of a bunch of different apartment buildings and houses on one street where people live. there are several households - that is, around 5 or 6 people live together in the house or apt. complex on different floors. the church is within walking distance on the corner of a street. there is a garden where they grow their vegetables, but i haven't seen it yet. i think i may get to work in the garden on thurs.

i have also met a lot of neat people who are leading the conversations about things like how to live faithfully in a world marked by consumerism and materialism. and by leading i mean they're the ones writing books and articles on these type of issues and having them published. today at dinner i met a delightful lady and had wonderful conversations with her. then as we were getting ready to leave she says, "i have to skip out and make a call. i saw the cover of my book today, and i was surprised...i didn't really like it." she said it all as though it was her fault that she didn't like and as if she felt she should like it no matter what. then she and the others at the table talked about whether or not she had any say in the matter and if so, how she should go about saying something. i just smiled - i have nothing. i've never had a book published.

now i'm off to the futon. tomorrow is conference in the morning and reba place in the afternoon. night.

on my way

i leave today at 3PM for my flight to chicago. last night, i finished my application. it took a long time as i was made to reflect upon great questions like, "what do you hope to change about yourself during your time with us?" and "why are you interested in reba place?" it also took me a good bit of time to think about all my strengths and weaknesses.

here's what i came up with:

strengths - organizing, plannin, communicating,listening, nurturing, serving, hospitality, writing, teaching, being open to new ideas, learning languages, taking criticism from those who love me, initiating friendships, implementing ideas, following directions, asking questions, cooking, being creative, reading people's responses, humor, giving gifts...

weaknesses - impatience, taking too long to make decisions, responding poorly to criticism from strangers, asking too many questions, being insecure in new environments, worrying, budgeting, being overly frank with others, reliance on comforts, using silly behavior and jokes to make people like me, insecurities about physical looks, fashion - clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry...

hopefully these are the strengths and weaknesses of someone they would want to be in community with.

when i was younger and thought of myself i never dreamed i'd become like this

guess what mistake i made this time? turns out my flight doesn't leave at 7 on mon. morning like i thought it did. it leaves at 7 P.M. P.M. that means night. all this time, i thought i had booked the flight for the morning, so i never looked closely at my itinerary. and now it's too late to change without eating a ridiculous fee.

so. that means i will miss the first day of the conference - no stanley hauerwas. no psalters concert. it also means i will miss registeration, so not i'm waiting for a response to see if i'll still be able to even attend. surely so, but you never know. i never would have thought i'd make a mistake differentiating between a.m. and p.m.

i let that one little mistake set my thoughts off today: nothing's going to go right. my job ends in july. i'm going to have no money to live. and so on.

then i'm left to consider how ridiculous i am when i allow worry to get the better of me.

so now it's an hour until lunch and things are better. i've had my small/HUGE dilemma for the day and can now have my fun.

ah. living.

i'm talking jibberish. tip of the tongue can't make sense of it

today i'm listening to the show of paste's 100 best living song writers on all songs considered. jeff tweedy is no. 24. aw yeah. myles will be happy to find that bruce springsteen is no.3. check it out. let me know what you think about the list.

back to working on my paper.

teaser

i have started writing my reflection paper. intro is almost finished. it's a work of art. a masterpiece of struggle and redemption.

can you tell i'm fighting to not let this paper be one huge cliche?

here's a little of what i have so far:

Before I could be shown the person I am in relation to the person I am called to be, I was first forced to consider and remember the person I used to be. I had no idea that this phenomenon was to take place as I sat on the airplane in Dallas traveling to L.A. It had not yet begun its acceleration down the runway for flight, but my heart was already soaring in anticipation of the journey I was beginning. The excitement produced bubbles of thoughts – airy, weightless, floating thoughts - that threatened to disobey the lit seat belt sign. They were foolish enough to believe that they had some weight to fight off the deeper questions and concerns that were lurking in the back of my mind. For a moment, I let myself be carried off by them, only to finally arrive in India with the loud thud of a questionable landing and a hot bus ride to claim my luggage.
By the time our team arrived in Hyderabad, I found myself in a country so unlike my own, I began daydreaming about time-travel. My fellow travelers and I were secretly transported to the past. We were being studied as we experienced for the first time an example of the airports of old, before the days of air-conditioned vehicles, fancy computer graphics, and contemporary design. Then, we walked out into the city, and I was reminded of the volume and madness produced by modernity. Riding as a passenger through the streets of India is like being inside a video game. With no control, I hear the repeated music of horns honking, see the constant movement of people on every empty spot, and watch the driver as he attempts to get to the final destination as quickly as possible, with as little damage as possible.

first draft. remember that. suggestions are invited.

upon rereading, this post makes me sound depressed

i think i've hit a cement block with my writing. i can't do it. everyday i open this blog page and click on "create a new post." i stare at the screen, check email, do work...anything but write. i have a reflection paper to write over my time in india. it's due pretty soon, but i haven't been motivated to do it. i have a journal overflowing with things i wrote while in india, but now my mind feels dry. maybe every thought sweated off in india. do you ever feel like you have absolutely nothing interesting to say?

the latest news about my life is that i'm trying to figure out my next move quickly without rushing into anything. that's the tension. last night i said to a friend, "i don't want to be in waco for the sake of staying in waco, but i don't want to leave just for the sake of leaving." he looked like he understood what i was saying, but as the words left my mouth, i thought, "WHAT?" what does that even mean? i feel like my time in waco now is just filling a void. a place to be because there's nowhere else to be. a job to work (these days i really hate the cafe) because there's no place else to work. i need some direction. i need some inspiration. i need to feel like i'm here for a reason. i need to know that there's something i'm working towards here. i want to see that there's a life and place for me after truett seminary graduation.

on july 17th i will be traveling to chicago for a conference. it's a gathering put on by the ekklesia project - a forum whose commitments i greatly resonate with. i spent time fretting about the money for the flight/accomodations/food, but things have worked out in my favor and i am very excited about being able to attend. my hopes are that i will meet people with whom i can have some valuable converstations with about church, community, and creative ways i can live out the things i feel i am being called to. click here for more info about the gathering.

after the conference, i'm visiting a community that i am interested in. i'm staying wednesday night through sunday afternoon at reba place with the hopes that i can learn more about the community and speak with them seriously about their internship program. in my heart, i feel like this trip could be just as meaningful for me as my trip to india, but i need to mix in some practicality with those idealistic feelings, right?

and when i return, i'll be trying to find a way to make a trip to this place, another interest. until then, i'm still researching different communities, trying to find motivation to fill out the mennonite central committee application, and finding inspiration to ask the question, "would you like that in a venti?"